October 30, 2006

My Hearts been Ripped Again




Well as of 4am this morning it was over, went to the toilet and there is was laughing at me.  Number 8 a write off and it makes me wonder even more why the fuck am I doing this.  I am so hateful right now, I shouldn't even be going through this shit again I should be getting ready for my first child's Christmas.  I just keep asking what have I don't so wrong in life to get dealt these cards and I'm telling you I am losing all hope, faith and everything else right now.  I know all ART people go through this but after 8 tries and a loss of a baby doesn't someone upstairs think I have been through enough. I rung my nurse and blood test is now tomorrow, she asked what are we going to do now, we are thinking of giving it one more go and I tell ya the thought of that makes me sick to my gut and my head feels like its gonna go bang.  Its not 100% we will do it yet as we have a couple of days to think about it before the cycle will kick in. 

I'm sorry everyone but I just so hate this life right now and don't know how much more I can keep this tough act up.  But how do you stop something you want so badly!!!






























Now Should I worry!

Well now I am worried, I woke up this morning and when I wiped I noticed the crinone had a pink tinge in it.  Now I have been told that this is normal but still you just have this feeling, to the point were I don’t want to go to the toilet anymore and even more so now not wanting to go to bed so I don’t have to wake up and be hysterical.  

Please if I need thoughts, prayers or what ever….. its now pls!!

October 29, 2006

Scared

Yes I have been missing in action, I tend to do it once my second week has hit and I hate it the waiting, knowing and every twinge, pain and sqwishy thing you feel.Last night I lost it, all day I had lower back pain, tummy cramps and was tired which normally means it’s a bad period on her way.  I was at work and just wanted to get home, if anything happened I wanted to be in a safe place where I could just curl up and howl myself to sleep.  When I got home DH just grabbed my arm and we went and lied down on the bed and that’s were we stayed all night, he even went and bought pizza and a garlic one for me as I don’t eat processed meat when cycling and we just stayed in bed.  He kept holding me and telling me to stop crying as nothing had happened yet but nothing he said was going to stop me.  He fell asleep but I just so didn’t, I didn’t’ want to wake up in the morning to find that cow waiting for me to rub it in again!!Today is day 10, please let me get through another night I just mentally can’t deal with another failed cycle.  Knowing I only transferred one instead of two is really eating at me right now, I managed to steer clear of hyperstimulation which gets to me even more and I feel I should of taken the risk of a two embrio transfer.Please whoever is listening upstairs, just watch over us over the next few days…….. no matter what!

October 24, 2006

Another Day

             
 

 

First day back at work today, was still sore but managed to stay in my office for most of the day.  We got a letter from Melbourne IVF and all 17 embies made it to freeze, so we have our own little football team!! 

 I am scared, but in a way I feel numb almost like I don’t even feel like I have been through the injections, the retrieval and transfer. I have to stop myself and realise I have a little one blob inside me and its trying to make a home.  In the back of my mind I wonder how much longer we can keep going financially, I am scared that there’s going to be a point were I am told we can’t afford to do it anymore. But then there’s that selfish bit of me thinking that we now have 17 little ones in the freezer and no one is going to take them from me or tell me we can’t afford to use them …… is that so wrong??

October 21, 2006

Day 2

Well it’s been 2 days since my little one was transferred and I hope nemo is making it self at home.Last night was the worst night for me by far, the pain was unbearable .  I even went to bed early which is something I never do,  I just couldn’t get comfy at all and it almost felt like it was my left kidney that was sore.  So I got a hot water bottle and it seemed to ease it enough for me to fall asleep.  I tossed and turned a little during the night not to mention up and down peeing all night but if it works its all worth it in the end.I haven’t really begun to think about the 2 week wait yet probably because of all the pain and I guess my first week is always the easiest to deal with it’s the second that I live in the toilet lol.  

To my little one I hope your starting to get comfy, I would love you to stick around for another 8 months.

October 19, 2006

Transfer

I’m tired and sore but I did have transfer today and that I am grateful for!!  I have little Nemo on board and I am sorry little one for all the swelling and yukkiness in there.  For the next couple of weeks you will find me talking to you through this blog as its yours. Now I don’t want to sound ungrateful with some of the things I am going to say in here. We arrived today at 8.40 for transfer this morning, I was so uncomfortable with the drive upto Melbourne but I know a lot was anxiety too, DH kept talking to me but he knew I was nervous, what happened if they wouldn’t do transfer!!  My RE called me into the room and asked how I was, I think he could see my tummy was sticking out more lol but I told him, I was sore but that was about it.  He said to me do you want to transfer 2 and I asked him what he thought and honestly, so he told me ……… ONE and as much as I wanted two I knew I had to trust him.  He told me my risks of two including twins and my chance of getting very sick with them, I also know that since we lost Chloe at 16w due to my waters breaking twins is just not good for us.I laid there while we saw our little one on the screen, you were there all 4 cells of you and although deep down I wanted you bro or sis to keep you company whole you were in there I knew I couldn’t.  You were put inside me for me to keep you all warm and protect you. On the way home I put a fertility crystal on my tummy and just hoped and prayed to you Angel sister that she was watching over us right now.  I was on a downer on the way home, I really wanted two transferred as all the other fresh that I have fallen pregnant on have always had two transferred but I know what I had to do and I feel guilty for this cause I should be satisfied with the 18 embryo’s I got as I know women would kill for that.  My problem is that I don’t respond to FET’s and even my RE says I don’t, so with these frostie bubs sitting there I really feel that when we use them my RE needs to look at something different or I have to find someone different, I have had 4 with no luck and bleeding when I am on tablets not to bleed and on the same days too. So today I have been on the couch, rubbing you and wishing for you to hang on and grow!

October 18, 2006

Time to Move

Well Ladies your going to have to move over to my New Blog to see what happens. I'm over Blogger.


http://shazld.wordpress.com/

Transfer


First this is not my embie, its beautiful though!
I’m tierd and sore but I did have transfer today and that I am grateful for!! I have little Nemo on board and I am sorry little one for all the swelling and yukkiness in there. For the next couple of weeks you will find me talking to you through this blog as its yours.

Now I don’t want to sound ungrateful with some of the things I am going to say in here.
We arrived today at 8.40 for transfer this morning, I was so uncomfortable with the drive upto Melbourne but I know a lot was anxiety too, DH kept talking to me but he knew I was nervous, what happened if they wouldn’t do transfer!!
My RE called me into the room and asked how I was, I think he could see my tummy was sticking out more lol but I told him, I was sore but that was about it. He said to me do you want to transfer 2 and I asked him what he thought and honestly, so he told me ……… ONE and as much as I wanted two I knew I had to trust him. He told me my risks of two including twins and my chance of getting very sick with them, I also know that since we lost Chloe at 16w due to my waters breaking twins is just not good for us.
I laid there while we saw our little one on the screen, you were there all 4 cells of you and although deep down I wanted you bro or sis to keep you company whole you were in there I knew I couldn’t. You were put inside me for me to keep you all warm and protect you.

On the way home I put a fertility crystal on my tummy and just hoped and prayed to you Angel sister that she was watching over us right now.
I was on a downer on the way home, I really wanted two transferred as all the other fresh that I have fallen pregnant on have always had two transferred but I know what I had to do and I feel guilty for this cause I should be satisfied with the 18 embryo’s I got as I know women would kill for that. My problem is that I don’t respond to FET’s and even my RE says I don’t, so with these frostie bubs sitting there I really feel that when we use them my RE needs to look at something different or I have to find someone different, I have had 4 with no luck and bleeding when I am on tablets not to bleed and on the same days too.

So today I have been on the couch, rubbing you and wishing for you to hang on and grow!

17th Oct

Very uncomfortable night last night, was so sore but I found if I just kept swapping sides instead of lying on my back it would ease, not to mention the drugs lol.The nurse rung me today and I go in for transfer tomorrow at 8.40am and with any luck this time tomorrow I should have to little ones snuggling in.  Have been so worried and scared about hyper stimulating and the thought of not making it to transfer has terrified me to no end.  Today I had a dizzy spell so I went straight to bed and stayed there all day, then when Nath bought home chinese for dinner I got up and bang there was that dizziness again but I am tipping its probably because I only had toast at 10.30 in the morning and nothing else but water and Gatorade, plus lying down all day.   I want to thank everyone for all your support its been so over whelming and I luv’s ya all!!

October 17, 2006

Very uncomfortable night last night, was so sore but I found if I just kept swapping sides instead of lying on my back it would ease, not to mention the drugs lol.The nurse rung me today and I go in for transfer tomorrow at 8.40am and with any luck this time tomorrow I should have to little ones snuggling in.
Have been so worried and scared about hyper stimulating and the thought of not making it to transfer has terrified me to no end. Today I had a dizzy spell so I went straight to bed and stayed there all day, then when Nath bought home chinese for dinner I got up and bang there was that dizziness again but I am tipping its probably because I only had toast at 10.30 in the morning and nothing else but water and Gatorade, plus lying down all day.


I want to thank everyone for all your support its been so over whelming and I luv’s ya all!!

EPU Results

 We'll I'm back from EPU and I have to say I am a little more shocked than before lol.  I ended up with 35 eggs!!! As you can understand I am sore, oh but I loved the drugs lol!  My Dr ended up ordering 2 bags of fluid and my hubby said that when I went under he said omg where to start and I just can't work your wifes response to drugs out , of course I'm sure DH would of had a comment to that.  I woke up pretty quickly and felt ok except for the sore left side and when they were looking at the fluids they were mumbling whether I should have another and piped up and said yes pls lol, they just both started laughing at me. So they did the hyper tests on me and they are actually surprised on how well I was feeling, but as they said it can hit at anytime.  The plan if all goes ok will be transfer of 2 embies on Wed, I have to ring the Royal Womens tomorrow for transfer time and report on my hyper then go in on Wed and he will make the call on how well or not well I am doing.  He said he will not risk anything just for the sake of it. So that's me and I'm drugging up and off to bed!

October 16, 2006

EPU Results

We'll I'm back from EPU and I have to say I am a little more shocked than before lol. I ended up with 35 eggs!!!

As you can understand I am sore, oh but I loved the drugs lol! My Dr ended up ordering 2 bags of fluid and my hubby said that when I went under he said omg where to start and I just can't work your wifes response to drugs out , of course I'm sure DH would of had a comment to that. I woke up pretty quickly and felt ok except for the sore left side and when they were looking at the fluids they were mumbling whether I should have another and piped up and said yes pls lol, they just both started laughing at me.

So they did the hyper tests on me and they are actually surprised on how well I was feeling, but as they said it can hit at anytime. The plan if all goes ok will be transfer of 2 embies on Wed, I have to ring the Royal Womens tomorrow for transfer time and report on my hyper then go in on Wed and he will make the call on how well or not well I am doing. He said he will not risk anything just for the sake of it.

So that's me and I'm drugging up and off to bed!

Head working overtime

Well retrieval is tomorrow and I can’t wait to get these things out, today as my nurse promised would be the worse day before retrieval and then that’s a whole different type of pain lol. 

I am so scared about the next couple of days and over stimming, I really need to get to a fresh transfer, they are the only way I have been able to conceive and as my RE has said FET’s just don’t work on me you can understand why. 

So wish me luck girls……..7.30 am Tomorrow!!

October 15, 2006

Tierd and scared

Well retrieval is tomorrow and I can’t wait to get these things out, today as my nurse promised would be the worse day before retrieval and then that’s a whole different type of pain lol.

I am so scared about the next couple of days and over stimming, I really need to get to a fresh transfer, they are the only way I have been able to conceive and as my RE has said FET’s just don’t work on me you can understand why.


So wish me luck girls……..7.30 am Tomorrow!!

Trigger

I did my own trigger shot tonight and I was scared stiff lol to the point I felt sick lol, but I numbed the old tum with some ice and did it!!  Now I am worried that hyerstim is going to hit me and guess I will until the whole thing is over.  I go for egg retrieval on Monday at 7.30am and I can feel the pain of it already, although I have to admit the sleep is the best bit. 

I just don’t know how I will cope if I am told that its to dangerous to transfer knowing that a fresh transfer is the only thing that has ever worked for us.  My nurse told me not to be brave and do the right thing and I know I have to listen to her as it’s my health here and I don’t want to end up in hospital.  My RE gave me a drip last time when they collected 29 eggs so I will be tipping I will get it again. 

Why do we have to go through this, why can I just not have one simple easy cycle…..or isn’t there such a thing lol!!

October 14, 2006

Trigger


I did my own trigger shot tonight and I was scared stiff lol to the point I felt sick lol, but I numbed the old tum with some ice and did it!! Now I am worried that hyerstim is going to hit me and guess I will until the whole thing is over. I go for egg retrieval on Monday at 7.30am and I can feel the pain of it already, although I have to admit the sleep is the best bit.

I just don’t know how I will cope if I am told that its to dangerous to transfer knowing that a fresh transfer is the only thing that has ever worked for us. My nurse told me not to be brave and do the right thing and I know I have to listen to her as it’s my health here and I don’t want to end up in hospital. My RE gave me a drip last time when they collected 29 eggs so I will be tipping I will get it again.

Why do we have to go through this, why can I just not have one simple easy cycle…..or isn’t there such a thing lol!!

October 13, 2006

Follie scan.....WOW


Well I had my scan this morning and I am absolutely dumb founded as is the
nurses and my RE, the result .........54 follicles!!! WTF and where the
hell did they come from. When one of the Dr's were doing the scan when she
said 24 follies I thought "oh good one" but then read that was just my right
ovary!! I am only on 187.5 and even when on 225 I only got 30 and as the
nurse said to me we don't know how to find a happy medium with you, you only
had 16 collected from the last stim and that was the same dose, the one
before that was 225 with 29 collected and my first was 150 with not much as
all.

Well we sat down and talked about hyperstimulating and the dangers and then
was told that we probably wont go for transfer as its too risky, well Sharon
was not happy and either was DH as we do not respond to FET's I mean we have
don't 4 of them and not a dam thing but with fresh 1 pg, 1 partial
attachment. Then discussed canceling the cycle. My nurse said she would
see if my RE was out of surgery and have a talk, well when she left the room
I must of started stressing myself and nearly passed out, Nath grabbed me
and pulled me to the bed. When the nurse came back she was saying did I
worry you that much lol but I was fine a minute later.

If all is ok after EPU it looks like they will only transfer one instead of
two, I am to ring my nurse tomorrow and Melb IVF sat and sun then go for EPU
on Monday. Then inbetween if all is not well I am to go straight to hosp.
So I have stocked up on the Gatorade, been given today off work and have to
take it easy. So if anyone else has some advise to get me to Monday I
would much appriciate it!!

Sore, tierd and scared!!

October 12, 2006

Follie scan

Well I had my scan this morning and I am absolutely dumb founded as is the
nurses and my RE, the result .........54 follicles!!! WTF and where the
hell did they come from. When one of the Dr's were doing the scan when she
said 24 follies I thought "oh good one" but then read that was just my right
ovary!! I am only on 187.5 and even when on 225 I only got 30 and as the
nurse said to me we don't know how to find a happy medium with you, you only
had 16 collected from the last stim and that was the same dose, the one
before that was 225 with 29 collected and my first was 150 with not much as
all.

Well we sat down and talked about hyperstimulating and the dangers and then
was told that we probably wont go for transfer as its too risky, well Sharon
was not happy and either was DH as we do not respond to FET's I mean we have
don't 4 of them and not a dam thing but with fresh 1 pg, 1 partial
attachment. Then discussed canceling the cycle. My nurse said she would
see if my RE was out of surgery and have a talk, well when she left the room
I must of started stressing myself and nearly passed out, Nath grabbed me
and pulled me to the bed. When the nurse came back she was saying did I
worry you that much lol but I was fine a minute later.

If all is ok after EPU it looks like they will only transfer one instead of
two, I am to ring my nurse tomorrow and Melb IVF sat and sun then go for EPU
on Monday. Then inbetween if all is not well I am to go straight to hosp.
So I have stocked up on the Gatorade, been given today off work and have to
take it easy. So if anyone else has some advise to get me to Monday I
would much appriciate it!!

Sore, tierd and scared!!

October 11, 2006

OMG Finally & new blog

OMG after nearly 2 weeks this bloody thing has let me back in to post. I so miss you all , but letting you know I have moved blogs to http://shazld.wordpress.com/ so pls come back and visit me. I am in the middle of moving everyone over so I will get there.

Just a quicky, I am on day 8 of stimms and struggling with sore ovaries not to mention dehydration. I go for a scan tomorrow to check how my follies are going so I will post and let you know. So don't forget my new blog!!

Day 8 - 11th Oct 2006

Its day 8 of injections today and I have to say the most uncomfortablist, I ended up leaving work early today because my ovaries were just aching and I felt very dehydrated.  I go for a scan tomorrow morning to check how many follies I have and if they are ready to be retrived yet, am hoping it will be monday!!

Just in a weird frame of mind right now, not sure what place I am in but IVF tends to do that to you and even more so after you have been through so many cycles like we have.

One of my dearest friends is waiting on news that he embie has made it through the night, its all crossed M-A!!

October 08, 2006

2nd Oct 2006

October 02, 2006




AF arrived yesterday.....YAY!! I go for a scan on Wed to see if we start stimms that night if not thur night. Its just all going so fast right now which is probably a good thing so I don't have time to think about it.

Looks like DH will be going away next weekend and I will have to give myself injection which I have never done before and am scared of doing. I have been reasured by others that its not that bad but we'll see!!!

September 2006

September 28, 2006




Blabber





I finished the pill last night, so its getting closer. I have only suffered one headache from the syranal spray so far but I have to admit I have never felt so tierd in the afternoons since I was pregnant and its really effecting my emotions, but I guess thats what you expect when you get pumped full of hormones. I'm tipping the hormones are struggling to deal with it too, I can just picture them all running around with tissues on one hand wiping away their tears lol.


I have so many mixed feeling flying around right now, its like I want to get to transfer but I don't cause what happens if it fails and knowing I always respond better to fresh cycles better than frozen I just wanna by pass the FET's and stop wasting money. Oh here I go again wiping out the cycle before I get to it, guess it comes naturally after 7 transfers and a loss of my 16 week Angel.


Thought I might post this, so if your good with emailing and expressing your discust this might be a good one:


John James to ban IVFDanielle CroninThursday, 28 September 2006Fertility and other reproductive health treatments have been banned at theACT's largest private hospital by the new Catholic Church owners.John James Memorial Hospital is expected to announce today that the LittleCompany of Mary, which operates Calvary Hospital, will take over the runningof the Deakin facility. Both parties would not comment on the deal yesterdayJohn James management has told Canberra Fertility Centre and Sydney IVFCanberra the only clinics of their kind in the ACT that the hospital'soperating theatres will be off-limits to women undergoing a crucial part offertility treatment in a change that has been blasted by IVF and healthspecialists.They have been told procedures to retrieve women's eggs can no longer beperformed at the hospital from October 6. About 400 women every year undergothis procedure in the ACT every year.The Little Company of Mary is opposed to IVF, abortions and sterilisation ofmen and women because of its religious beliefs.John James Memorial's board has been considering bids to buy the businessafter it was publicly revealed in June that the hospital was in financialstrife.Little Company of Mary will own two of the three private hospitals orcontrol 75 per cent of the private hospital beds in the ACT if the sale goesahead.The Australian Competition and Consumer Commission has conducted an informalreview and concluded the sale "would be unlikely to result in a substantiallessening of competition". But it is understood that several doctors havesince complained to the consumer watchdog about the restrictions on servicesif Little Company of Mary takes over.Canberra Fertility Centre scientific director Chris Copeland said yesterdaythat the organisation had been at John James for 20 years but received twoweeks' notice of the "bizarre and absurd" change.The clinic's specialists performed about 230 egg retrieval procedures everyyear on about 170 women undergoing IVF.The change would affect women already on the fertility program, potentiallydrive up the cost of treatment and cause anxiety."I cannot for my life of me understand why the new owners of the hospitalcould not have turned around to us and said, 'Well look, this is ourattitude and we'll give you until the new year to find alternativearrangements'," Dr Copeland said. "I could have lived with that, that wouldhave been the way to do it. But this business of you're out in two weeks isjust crap, it really is crap."Dr Copeland said they had been "running around like headless chooks" to finda short-term solution.National Capital Private Hospital did not have theatre space but Caps Clinica plastic surgery centre in Deakin had made available a procedure room forboth Canberra Fertility Centre and Sydney IVF Canberra.


So sad what our world is coming too!!





September 22, 2006




Our Bodies & Drugs





Yesterday was day one of Syranal, gotta love the sniffing twice a day and yep got the headache that goes with it!! Day 2 and so far so good. Its amazing how we put our bodies through all this crap, pumping chemicals through and through and it just responds (well I guess I am one of the lucky ones that it does). I often wonder what our insides are saying when the first injection or first spray is done not to mention the fat gene's that seems to think party time and add a few more kilo's to the scales. Then we put ourselves through daily injections, our ovaries being force feed juice to make it work overtime being pushed to the limit and you can almost hear them breathe a sigh of relief when its all over, almost like smoke coming out of a over heated engine.

We haven't told our families yet that we are cycling again and not sure when or if we will. Its just so hard sometimes telling them as you don't really get alot of reaction out of them. My mum's is "oh ok" and is just like please don't get too excited about the whole thing. I know dad is happy for us but he sort of keeps things to himself and was hit hard when we lost Chloe.

I had 2 weeks holidays and was on the weight loss thingy, managed to lose 1.5kg but now I'm back at work I'm eating like a friggin pig again. I just don't know how to stop lol and I so wanted to lose weight before my next cycle but as usual I just can't follow through.

For those that don't know how to post on my Blog cause of the change you can do it through Other or Anon. I am trying to get this sorted out and move homes but am having a bit of trouble moving this blog to the new one.





September 18, 2006




Need a new home



I am think of changing Blogger homes so if anyone can recommend a place and give me the instructions on how to transfer it all across I would be very much greatful.
I love my Blogging and miss it so much, I can still post but I can't hear back from you all. They have really stuffed this up!!

Ok as fo me I am half way through my pill, very moody, teary and thats just me getting up for my first day at work after finishing 2 weeks holidays lol.





September 14, 2006




Blogger Problems


I don't know whats going on but a couple of you have contacted me regarding not being able to post or ead my blog. Well thanks to Blogger Beta version you too can have these problems and you know what you can't change back & there's no one to help you either!!
I miss you all!!





September 12, 2006




Things About Me


Things About Me

Place an X by all the things you've done or remove the X from the ones youhave not, and send it to all of your friends (including me). This is for your entire life:-

(x) Smoked a cigarette.

(x) Drank so much you threw up in a parking lot ... Mmmm does the drive way count?? hehehe

( ) Crashed a friend's car.

( ) Stolen a friend's car.

(x) Been in love.

(x) Been dumped.

( ) Been laid off/fired...

(x) Quit your job

(x) Been in a fist fight - With my sister

( ) Snuck out of your parent's house .. hell yes... who hasn't

(x) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back

( ) Been arrested?

( ) Gone on a blind date.

(x) Lied to a friend - Would be lying if you said no

(x) Skipped school

( ) Seen someone die

( ) Been to Canada.

( ) Been to Mexico.

(x) Been on a plane.

(x) Been lost.

( ) Been on the opposite side of the country and world(country - not the world)

( ) Gone to Washington, DC

(x) Swam in the ocean.

(x ) Felt like dying.

(x) Cried yourself to sleep.

( ) Played cops and robbers.

( )Recently colored with crayons

(x) Sang Karaoke.

( ) Paid for a meal with only coins....

( ) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't.

( ) Made prank phone calls.

(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose.

(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue.

(x) Danced in the rain.

(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus?

(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe.

(x) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about.

(x) Blown bubbles.

( ) Made a bonfire on the beach.

(x) Crashed a party.

(x) Gone roller skating

( ) Gone ice skating.

Any nicknames? Shazzy, Sweet checks, babe, Shazza, Shazby, chunky butt
What is your favourite drink? Schmirnoff mixers, wine, cocktails (if I'm not paying), most mixers.

Tattoos? 0

Body Piercings? Ears

How much do you love your job (1-10) 5

Favorite vacation spot?

Been to Africa? No

Ever steal any traffic signs? No

Ever been in a car accident? Yes

Salad dressing? French Dressing - plain but I love it

Favorite pie? Plain meat

Favorite number? 6

Favorite holiday? Vanuatu, Italy, France, Amsterdam

Favorite food? Thai, Seafood, Macadamia & Pecan nuts

Favorite day of the week? Friday Night, Saturday

Favorite brand of body soap?

Favorite TV Show? Greys anatomy, All Saints, Desperate House Wives

Favorite Smell? baking bread, incents, Baking muffins/biscults

Favorite Sound? Rain on a tin roof

What do you do to relax? Play on the computer, have a bath, be with my hubby.

Message to your friends reading this? I love you guys lots and honestly don't know how I would cope with things going on in my life without you. MMMWWWWAAAAAA

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? House wife, with a family of 2 dogs, a cat and hopefully a 9 yr old child.

What do you do when you get bored? I love board, cause I often don't get time for it.

Furthest place you will send this message ? USA

Who will respond the fastesest? MMMMMM

Least likely to respond? Again, MMMMMMMMMMM





September 11, 2006




Arrgggggggggggg Blogger


Well I don't know what the hell Blogger has done but if you change to the Beta version you now can only post on peoples Blogs who haven't changed over by using annon or other.........yay good one, did ya think of telling us first.





September 07, 2006




I Started Cycling



Well as of yesterday I officially started cycling!! Last night was my first pill and a very long 6 weeks to go lol. This will be our 4th Fresh cycle or our 8th transfer and if we are lucky enough to conceive and have a beautiful miracle then it will be our last cause I can't do this forever, I think I have aged 20 yrs in 4yrs.

I'm not really sure what else to post being at the begining of your cycle your sort of in no mans land, so the next 3 - 4 weeks will sort of be nothing but dribble. But then you never know lol I may find something exciting to talk about!!

Oh I started watching the old weight thing YES AGAIN!! I want to lose some kg before I go for transfer and so far 1.5kg in 4 days so I'm pretty happy with that.

I have an idea, may work or it may not lol, but if anyone has a question about anything just ask away. Can be about my childhood all those millions of yrs ago or infertility or just anything. (This could be dangerous lol)





September 04, 2006




Fathers Day


Yesterday was Fathers Day in Australia, so I bought my DH a card and pressie from his little Angel Chloe. It was beautiful to see him have a little cry and I know he misses her.

~~~~~~~HAPPY FATHERS DAY BABY!!~~~~~~~



We went to my parents place for lunch/dinner and both of us were full of cold, so off we went with a box of tissue's and a bottle of wine. Nath had a good day and he even braved grocery shopping at 7 o'clock at night (thankyou baby).

We'll AF arrived Saturday and I start the pill on Wed for a month and then start my injections........I'm on my way woo hooooooooo!!

Oh one more thing ... I'M ON 2 WEEKS HOLIDAYS!!!!!!

August 2006

August 31, 2006




Life


One of my dear friends lost another Angel this week can you pls stop by http://impatientpatient.wordpress.com/. Sweety I love you heaps and I am so sorry that yet again you have to go through more shit within your life and I am sending love to both of you. You know where I am if you need me.
xx




August 27, 2006




Thanks Girls


I just want to thank all my Blog friends and my new Blog friends for all your comments and support through my last mental breakdown lol. I'm trying to deal with things again and getting through this week as I go on 2 weeks holidays at the end of this week. I'm not going anywhere but spending 2 fantastic weeks just being a house wife and taking everyday as it comes.The person who I was refering to and I have had a good chat and we have sorted out a few things and have agreed for it to be over with. I still love her to death.

Well if I knew I could get pg naturally I would of done a pee test 10 times over by now lol. Still no sign of AF, I think she's gone on holidays without me to some tropical island somewhere just to rub it in more, I keep going to the post box expecting a postcard from her.For those who don't know, we are going back for a Fresh IVF transfer, infact our 8th transfer. I know hubby didn't want me to tell anyone but you guys are my Blog family so shhhhhhhhhhh lol. I tell ya I am tierd thinking about going on the pill for 3 weeks and sniffing the shiteral that gives me a headache or 5 and then the needles.....lets not go there lol.
So again thanks girls you made me feel so much better.
xxx




August 13, 2006




Over IT!



I'm over it, over everything, over people that say they are you friends and that they will always be there for you and just don't seem to be. If I had of written this about 30 mins ago I would of been totaly hysterical but hubby calmed me down, but he's not here he had to do it on the phone. I'm tierd of this struggle and it seems like a struggle for life sometimes, I'm over this struggle of infertility, the feeling of being left behind and you just feel so alone. If I didnt have my husband I dont know where I would be right now.

I had one friend that hurt me badly and I will never forget it but she doesnt even think about it and acts like everything is normal. When I found out I was pregnant she spoke to me often even on the phone although we had never met, she was also preg, as soon as I lost my little girl nothing, the occational message through messenger and now since having her child hardly anything and you know what....... I thought I meant more to her than this, maybe I was wrong.

My husband always said to me that I need to make more friends, but this is the reason I stopped making them!! I use to have alot of friends but have so learnt that if their not back stabbing you, their telling you their problems but when you really need a shoulder.........no where to be seen. I don't expect their worlds to stop because of me but just a HI would be nice.

I'm over it and I've had enough, stop the world I'm ready to get off!!




August 09, 2006




Thought I should get my act together and post. Nothing exciting is happening right now, I've had a few downer days lately just anxous to start IVF again. There have been so many babies born and pg's announced lately its just getting to me and knowing that we should have out little girl right now just hurts.

This cycle will be our 8th transfer or 4th stimulated cycle and I must say that never in my wildest dreams did I think that we would still be going. Your RE says 'I can't see a problem with you getting pg', so why is it taking so long.
I get so angry when I hear of what people have dont to there children, like a guy on the news today put a infant in a dryer cause he thought it would be fun......like what the fuck!!! Here there are women who would do anything to have a child then you hear of morons like this.......arrrrrggggggggggggggggg!!!







 



July 2006

June 2006

May 2006

April 2006





Made it through today at work with not seeing one preganat woman....woooo hooooo!! I am getting a little excited about trying ivf again, although don't know why, maybe a fresh start. Although the fresh start was suppose to be with our little girl and a new home.

Poor Nath is as sick as with the Flu at the moment, the poor thing has to go away for work tomorrow and I so don't want him too, he should be in bed. He doesn't get sick very often but when he does he gets it big time.
I'm going to be doing a couple of late nights this week to try and catch up at work, plus we have a new range coming in for normal women, women with hips and waists. We are the first big retailer to do this in Australia, proper sizes for real women. Thought while Naths away its probably a good time to do it.



April 29, 2006





Mothers Day



I've been thinking how close Mothers Day is, this is supose to be my first one. So how do I deal with it, how do I act happy for my mum's day! How will I be able to feel like a mum for my beautiful girl that had no choice on whether she stayed or not. There should be a day for Angel mum's and dad's.

I can not believe this shit, I have just read that one of the girls in the Teddyloveclub (miscarriage group) and she's just lost her ~Angel Mitchell~ at 19w due to to incomp cervix. This is her third ~Angel~ in her 2nd trimester, and its bullshit that they have to go through this again and again. Why is it that couples who want a child so badly have to go through all this crap and then there's those women who sneeze and have 6 children to 6 different men, are on the pension, go out and drink and leave the kids at home, sleep all day, screw and get pissed all night.

Then I think of my Best IVF Bud and knowing that she had to go through losing her precious twins for the 2nd time and listen to the heartache that her and her Dear Hubby had to go through. Sweetheart you are such an inspiration to me, you worry about everyone else after all you have been though because thats your nature, but I want you to know that I will always be here for you day or night what ever hour for when that time may come that you need to explode!!



April 28, 2006





Sometimes I feel like some of my friends are drifting away, I understand everyone has things happening in their own lives but I am noticing it a little more. There are people that use to talk to me all the time but now its stopped. Sorry but if they can't deal with whats happened by now then I can't be bothered.
Friends are there forever no matter what is happening!!





My visit with my IVF Dr




I had my visit with my IVF Dr today, who I really think couldn't believe all this had happened and asked how we are doing. I have to say I walked out of there feeling a little down and had tears in my eyes.He didn't beat around the bush and told us that once it happens you have an increased risk of it happening again, but like my Obs said unfortunately it can happen to anyone and there is nothing you can do to stop it. He explained that it had nothing at all to do with my cervix and even if the stitch went in my waters can still break and the stitch will do nothing. He also explained that it was not my cervix opening that caused the waters to break, it just happens and if it had of been my cervix then I would of gone into labor on my own.

He has sent me off for some more blood tests and even another chromosome (sp) one for Nath much to Naths disgrace lol of having to have a blood test...........big girl!!! The ones I remember are ladien(sp), protein c, chromosome etc and even one the nurse hadn't heard of lol. So now the wait for a couple of weeks with the chromosome taking 3 weeks to come back, if all is ok well the roller coaster begins with a my first natural frozen cycle as all my others have been artificial (medicate ones). He said it may not work because of the ovulation track record but none of the artificial ones have either with af arriving on day 10 of 2 and day 12 on the other and for those that don't know, when you do a artificial FET you should get af until you come of the pill. He said now at least we know that you can get pregnant (first person to say that to us lol) and after these tests there is no others that they can do. I asked him about the long hours I did when it happened and he said that you can't put it down to it but when your preg you need to drop your hours and get rid of the stress and to me in his voice the the 15hrs I did that day wouldn't of helped.

On the way out we ran into my Obs who was talking to some other Dr's and told us to stop. He came over and said he was going to ring us on Monday and had said another one of my tests had come back and it showed something. It showed some sort of blood clotting and he now knows that I will defanatly be going onto heparin if I fall pg again, he said at least something has shown up although as he said no cold comfort. He then asked us what we were doing here and told him we had been to see our RE, which was one of his old teachers when he was training. My obs asked what was happening so we told him and he asked to look at the tests he had ordered, then commented that a couple were the test he ordered a couple of weeks ago but would be interested to see how the clotting one comes back this time, he then gave me a Hugh hug and said he was going to say hi to my RE.

I have to say how dam scared I am of this whole thing, I know its out of my control but its my child I may lose again and I told my Dr that if I lose it again I will be certified for life......he totaly understood. My heart strings are so being pulled and my tummy is cherning, I long for my child so badly that I can't even put it into words.




April 27, 2006





Just couldn't sleep last night, so I got up at 4.30 and went to work have no idea what was going through my head. Hubby was away last night so I slept with Chloe's blanket next me, maybe sounds a little silly but having it near me at night I feel close to her.

I have my IVF Dr's appointment tomorrow and not really sure how I feel about the whole thing, guess its taking the next step. The thought of all that we have been through just comes rushing back, appointment after appointment. So tomorrow I have to ask him about having a stitch put in but I know what he is going to say, but can't hurt to ask I guess.
The next big step is hoping that my frosties will survive the thaw, we have 3 frozen and always have 2 transfered. I don't have the best thaw rate but have been surprised before, just couldn't handle a cancelled cycle!!



April 26, 2006





I got a phone call from my Obs on Monday, he told me all my blood tests and swabs had come back normal and that it all come down to bad luck that my waters had broke. I feel like shit honestly, thats not what I want to hear, I wanted something we could see or deal with then at least we know where we stand.
The thought of me falling pregnant is so scaring me, not the fact of getting pregnant but the thought of losing it again is heartbreaking. I loved being pregnant, I loved the tummy, the night sickness, the thought of life growing inside of me, the sore boobs, the tierdness........I want it all back.
We are going back to IVF soon, but not sure how soon.





I've been having some good days lately and I'm scared of that, it makes me feel like I'm forgetting Chloe. Then today one of my staff wanted to speak to me, she didn't know how to tell me, but she was 2 months pregnant and was scared to tell me. I was waiting for this, whether it be her or someone else but I knew it would come.

I have my appointment with my IVF Dr on Friday to see where to from here and to start that shitty IVF roller coaster again. The thought of it all makes me so tierd, I mean it took me 2 yrs of ivf to fall pregnant this time I don't think I could wait that long again. The blood tests, the tablets, the failed cycles and my poor body not to mention my broken heart everytime we have a failed cycle. Honestly I can understand why women just keep going with this shit, you keep fighting and fighting for something you just want so badly, something to hold and to have as your own.



April 25, 2006





My Infertility History



Well I've had a few ask what actualy is my Infertility problem ..... well where do I start lol.
My Husband and I started to try in 2001 to have our first child and after 6 months of trying still nothing, in the mean time I had been doing some reading and fell across this thing called PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome which showed alot of symptoms I was showing. I made an appointment to see my GP to see why I wasn't pregnant and mentioned it to him, first he told me come back and see me in another 6months if you are not pregnant and there is no way you could have pcos.
Another 6 months past and I bought up the issue of pcos again to my GP and he said he would do a test for me, but would wait until the bloods come back before he addressed the pregnancy thing or should I say lack of lol. The blood test came back a week later and it confirmed what I had thought I had pcos and I was booked in for an ultrasound and that too confirmed it, so my GP booked me in to see a Gyno.
I went to see my gyno and he put us on clomid, every month we beded on time, doing a ovulation test just to make sure then came the blood tests on day 21. We ended up doing 8 cycles of clomid more than what you should, I ovulated 5 times and didn't 3 times. He desided to do a Laparoscopy and have a look inside, the last hting I remember before going in was a Dr telling me that there is a risk my bowl could be knicked but its normally a one in 5000 chance for it to happen, well there were 4999 happy women out there because guess what, it happened to me. My poor husband was starting to worry why a 45 min proceedure was still going 3 hrs later and no one had told him what was going on. My hubby went out to the car to ring my parents to tell them there was something going on and they better come down. On the way back a nurse met him and asked him to go into the chapel and the Dr would be out to see him. He told Nath what had happened and the we wouldn't have kids naturally and I was being sent to a bigger hospital incase there were complications.
When I woke up in the morning I was told what had happened. It was explained the due to mis-diagnosed burst appendix when I was 16 (Dr told my mum it was just women problems and to take panadol) that the scar tissue had grown around my tubes and crushed them closed ..... it was a mess and I would never conceive naturally and to tell you honestly I don't know if it actually sank in. I was in Hospital for 6 days.
When we went to the gyno after I got out of Hospital, he was so sorry for what had happened and honestly after I saw the photo's its not his fault for what had happened, he was trying to clean up some of the scarring when my bowel was knicked. Now it was explained to us that IVF was our only way to concieve, so we made an appointment with our IVF specialist at Melbourne IVF.
My first appointment with my ivf Dr was overwhelming, just so much info. We were told that with my pcos my miscarriage rate rises, also because of my age it was discussed that we will put back 2 embrio's each time. We were also told that we really shouldn't have a problem getting pregnant.



Cycle one: Fresh cycle, 150mg stim, 19 eggs, 3 survived to transfer, 2 transfered, one frozen embrio, period arrived day 12. (04)


Cycle two: Fresh cycle, 225mg stim, 29 eggs, 11 survived to transfer, 2 transfered, 9 frozen (total 10), blood test came back at 15, was told it was a slight implantation and we would lose it. Blood tests went on for 6 weeks and numbers going up but not enough, scan at 6 weeks, empty sac, lost it the next day. Had a d&c day after our first wedding anniversary. (04)

Frozen cycle one: artificial FET, 2 embrio's died, 2 transfered, period showed up day 10. Was suppose to be no period until I came of meds, no explanation. (04)



Frozen cycle two: artificial FET, 2 embrio's died, 2 transfered, period showed up again on day 10. (05)

Frozen cycle three: artificial FET, 2 embrio's transfered, period showed up day 12 even with extra progesterone support. (05)

Fresh cycle three: fresh cycle, 187.5mg stim, 14 eggs, 5 survived to transfer, 2 transfered one was blast on day 2, 3 frozen, blood test came back at 55, a few days later the next blood test came back over 200..... we are pregnant after 4 long yrs.

On the 27th Jan 06 our world fell apart when my waters broke for no reason at 14w 5d. I delivered Chloe at 16w 2d...... My Beautiful Angel.
Where to from here???? We have an appointment with our fertility specialist on the 28th April to discuss our future.







April 16th 2006


Hope you all had a Happy Easter. Couldn't stop thinking about Chloe today, guess its just one more holiday to get over with the next one being Mothers Day which I am so dreading, but I know the next one is her due date which is the 23rd July.
Chloe, Mummy & Daddy want to wish you a Happy Easter and your egg is on my bedside table!! We love you lots.





April 9th 2006



Happy Angel Day Sweety, you would be 25weeks today. Mummy and Daddy love you lots and think about you every single day.





April 5th 2006



Well I had my appointment today with my gyno/obs to do some swabs to check if there are any nasties, h e was testing for one in particular but I can't remember the name. We had a good talk about things including the stitch and as I thought he doesn't want me to have it cause he said there is nothing wrong with my cervix, he said that if there was I would of gone into labor soon after my waters broke.... At least a couple of days but I had to be induced 2 weeks later. He said when he did the ultra sound 3 days later my cervix was shut tight, he made it clear he was not against them as he does them but he said honestly if I thought you needed it I would do it and he's also scared it may cause an abortion or infection. He mentioned that when I see my RE at the end of the month to mention it and see what he says about it...... Also found out today that my RE actually trained my gyno/obs (small world). He has sent me off for more blood tests as he has just had a woman who mc for no reason and when he sent her off for these tests he found something in the bloods, he said he'd never really tested for it before but is now sending all mc women to have one. I also spoke to him about anti-depressants and he said he would prefer me not to, he said they make you gain weight (which I don't need for ivf) and also he doesn't like giving them to women who are ttcing, he said its only been 2 months since we lost Chloe and our grieving is not even half way there yet. He said just go with all your feelings when you need to, don't be scared to have good days, enjoy each others company, have great sex and have a drink every once and a while lol. I actually felt a little better coming out from our chat and he said ring him anytime I want a chat.





April 3rd 2006


It was Nathan's first day at his new job today and of course he had to be away from home overnight, I should be use to it as it was the same for his past job but I just miss him. He sounded happy and it sounds like everything went smoothly, thank goodness. The owners of the place seem like a very family orientated company and its still hard to believe he is a National Business Mgr of Australia..... Proud of you baby!!!
Just couldn't get motivated today at work, felt a little low as hubby was upset again on Sunday and said he had a dream of Chloe but we both just had a cry together and thats all we can do. Only 23 days till we see our IVF Dr, getting a little scared and I see my gyno/obs on Wed for some more tests.





March 31st 2006



I want my little girl back, I want to be able to talk about my pregnancy like all the other pregnant women, compare my tummy, my pains, my baby moving and knowing July is coming around so fast its starting to hurt more. I just feel like I have a big void in my life at the moment that really needs filling and I really do hope it will happen one day but please don't tell me it will because unless you can see into the future I don't want to hear it.
Wish someone could give me my heart back in one peace!





Take the Hurt Away



Hubby had a breakdown yesterday afternoon, he had been drinking with his brother and when he got home (a little pi$$ed), he admited to me that he got up early that morning because he couldn't stop thinking about our little girl that we lost at 16w on the 7th Feb. He said that he wishes someone would ask him how he was doing for once instead of me all the time. He was telling me how much he misses her and wonders what she would look like if we had of had her. I honestly didn't realise how much he was keeping this inside of him and everytime I ask him he says he's dealing with it in his own way so i just left him alone. We just cried together and I told him its his child and he's allowed to cry too, he said it was seeing her little bed in the bedroom that set him off today....the one the hospital presented her to us in. We would be 25 weeks today. He also said that he knows God took her for a reason and has that he plans but I'm sorry while we were going through this cycle I prayed everyday to him but now I just can't do it or hear about it.
The pain is just undescribable and I never want anyone to go through this. I know I'm not the only person to lose a child but it hurts like hell. How dare she be taken away from us, our first and could be our only child. I have to admit that I have had the thought that I don't want the pain anymore but I soon snap myself out of it. I guess when we start ivf again it may keep me occupied but I will always be scared and worried. I just want this year to be over so badly, Mothers Day is in May, July is her due date 3 days before our wedding anniversary, then comes Christmas and then her anniversary of Chloe's Birth. I have been absent from my chatroom because there is just to much pg talk now, I am so happy for them but some just go on and on and on and I normally end up feeling worse after being in there or just teary.
He saw my uncle down the street yesterday and no one had told him that we were pregnant and that we had lost her, he just burst into tears and couldn't move, saying that we want kids so badly and it wan't fair.
I can't wait to move to the country, we built this house 3 yrs ago and have had nothing but bad luck since being in it. Its not because I can give up work either, but I just so want to be a house wife to Nath, to look after him like he so deserves. With both of us working 60hrs a week and me every second weekend and nights we just don't do things that we should even things such as cooking, and I know my stress levels will dive too. If we are lucky enough to have a child then its the best place to bring them up but hopefully it won't take another 2yrs.


I don't want to be an adult anymore, take me back to my childhood.





Well you can shove 2006 where the sun don't shine!!! Today my husband was made redundant from his job along (he was a state Manager with a pet supply accessory company) with all the other State Managers plus a few other staff. There was no sign this was coming at all and they flew state to state firing the staff. After the loss of our little girl, this was the last thing we needed not to mention we bought our block of land yesterday!!
What the hell have we done so wrong in life to keep going through all this shit time after time, honestly I don't know how much more I can take. Nath's trying so hard to put on a brave face for me as he loved this job so much and we're just starting to get our lives together and its like someone says ..... OH no smile on their faces, we can't have that!!!
ARRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.






March 17th 2006



Tomorrow I turn 35, can't believe how quickly I'm aging lol, it is so scarey, especially with the baby part as you know your time is ticking especially with IVF. Hubby is taking me out to buy me a ring as I want a pink emerald....love it and then we're off to my parents for dinner. Honestly I didn't really want a birthday this year with the loss of our little girl, but my mum has other plans.





March 12th 2006



Its So UnfairI got some bad news yesterday, one of my good friends who has been on the IVF road with myself and in one of the support groups lost her babies last night. They were 22w, her waters had started to leak a few weeks ago, I think with her cervix slightly open. They put an emergency stitch in with her in hospital until they were born but it was not to be. The most heart breaking thing is that this is the second time this has happened as they lost twins once before.
I just can't believe life can be so cruel not once but twice and it just brings back what we went through nearly 5 weeks ago, all that pain and loss.
I just want to let her know that I am thinking of her and hubby, sending all our love and strength.







March 9th 2006



I had my second day at work today and only sooked once, but that was because I cought up with a few that I didn't see on Tues. When I went to my desk there was an envelope with my name on it and when I opened it up it had a gift voucher for a night at a motel with a 3 course meal and breakfast provided. That gift was from one of the fantastic men I work with, it was something he had won at our work christmas party last yr and had told people that he has no one to share it with and he though my husband and I deserved it.........I was shell shocked!!! Its amazing how kind people can actually be.
I took the biggest step in my career today, I stepped down from my Management position (I work for a hugh retailer with over 180 stores in Australia). It will not be effective straight away as they will need to find me a position somewhere else, but after 9 yrs of doing it and 19 yrs with the same company I had just had enough and it was time to start thinking of me for a change. So when it all takes effect I will hopefully be doing 35 hrs instead of 60 a week. I felt so relieved after I spoke to her, like a weight that had been lifted off and now I can looked forward to having more time with my husband.





March 8th 2006


Well yesterday was my first day back at work and I wont half admit I was so scared!! I cried before I left home, but when I arrived I just walked straight in. Most of the staff were good, especially the guys, they all seem to just walk up asked how I was, some gave me a hug and said if I need a shoulder. I think more of the women struggled, with most saying hi and chatting but some others that just said hi and kept walking.
I'm only working 2 days this week as emotionally thats all I think I could handle, but I tell ya I just felt so lost and out of place there yesteday and we have a new Store Manager who started on Monday so that did help me either, he just shows no emotions. Tomorrow I am going in to speak to the Regional Manager about standing down from my Management position and just work on the floor, instead of working 60 hrs a week I can work 35-40 and start getting my life and my health back into shape.
Emotionally I know the days are getting better, but for some reason this afternoon I have gone all emotional again and anything is setting me off and for those in Australia, epecially the Coles ad and it just seems like every advert has a baby or pregnancy in it at the moment.
I just hurt for the feeling of missing something, being empty, knowing that I should be half way there by now, will it take another 2 yrs for me to fall pregnant and will I kept it this time. But as I think I have said it before, next time I will be getting a stitch at about 13 weeks and even if I don't need it, its there anyway.
I just want my own child, one is all I ask for!!!





March 6th 2006



Well tomorrow is the first day back at work and I am crapping myself to say the least. I know it has to be done eventually but I still feel its too soon or maybe I'm just putting it off. I just know there will be tears and I'm still so tierd especially in the afternoons, but I'm just going to take each hour as it comes.
My tummy just feels sick, its in knots I can just say I am scared, becaue the last time they all saw me I was 14 weeks pregnant and a boldging tummy which they were just starting to rub. I was happy, loving every minute of being pregnant, for the first time is ages I felt like my life was full and nearly complete.
I'm gonna take it as it comes this week and I know I will have alot of support, but as a few good friends said to me "don't be brave for others" you have to look after yourself and you hubby and if you let it build up inside for the sake of a job and to keep others happy your putting your grieving process back weeks.
So I will let you know how I go tomorrow and I've been told that if I get there and can only handle a few hrs then thats fine and just tell them I'm going home and I will get no questions asked.
I've been reading a book on miscarriage after infertility, its a good read but its hard to relate to something that have never happend to us. What I mean is we had no bleeding etc we just had our waters break for no reason. I've been doing alot of research over the past couple of days regarding incompetent cervix, so I really think that having a stitch next time will be our option we choice to take and if our Obs wont do it then I have been given the name of a Specialist who does them, there in no way in hell I will go through this heart renching thing again.





March 4th 2006


I have developed a new Support Forum tonight called Miscarriage, Neonatal Loss, Stillborn or Loss of a Child Forum. It is only for Loss which is hard to find. It can be accessed at


http://shazld.proboards75.com/index.cgi

So if you interested in joining or know someone who might be interested, please do so.




March 2nd 2006



Well had a good day today, although slept like crap as hubby was snooring heaps, which he does when he's tierd. Kept myself busy with cleaning the house....how very exciting lol.
I struggled a little when I went into my normal chatroom and there were pg women everywhere but I know I just have to leave. Starting to get a bit worried about going back to work on Monday, but my Regional Mgr said I could go back Mon, Wed and Fri which will be a big help and if I can't handle Mon then just go home. I know its for the best to go back and I can't keep putting it off forever.
My mum rung me yesterday to check up on me, I love her so much she says she's always worrying about her little girl and I know this has effected her and dad heaps as this was there first grandchild, I think more dad than anything he was so excited everytime he saw me before it all happened. But I promise him one thing I don't give up and I will give him his grandchild.


My Mum, what can I say, you were there from the start, you helped me go through labor and held my hand. Although you left the room to do something just before we had Chloe and they wouldn't let you back in, which I know you wanted to be there, words can't describe how much it all mean't to me.

To my Darling Husband. You and I have been through so much in our 5 yrs together and I am sorry the road has not been an easy one, but as you keep reminding me we are soul mates and thats what we do. You deserve so much and although you do have 2 children of your own I know how much you really were looking forward to becoming a daddy again. The pain I saw in your eyes from the moment we found out she would not stay with us yet you looked after me the whole time and when I saw you hold her and the tears running down your face is something I will never forget, but again you still looked after me. You made a CD for us to remeber her by with all her pics, something we will always cherish. But I want you to know this long journey is not over yet!!





March 1st 2006



I'm not having a good day today, I'm so down and I am crying at the drop of a hat, its been 3 weeks since I lost my ~Chloe~ and my heart is just so crying out for her, today would of been our first anti natal app with the hosp too.
I just can't explain the hate, the loss, the hurt, I feel like someone has reached in and ripped out my insides and just stomped all over them.
I'm due to start back at work on Mon and honestly I don't think I'm ready for it yet, but I haven't got any leave left and we can't afford for me to go no pay. My mum thinks me going back to work will help me move on to the next step and I know she is right, but it just hurts to think about it.
I just feel like I want to lock myself away, I don't want to see a preg woman or a woman with a newborn. It's like I just want to hide from the world, from more hurt, more disappointment.
My husband has been my strength and my rock and I cannot thank him enough, although he tells me off for thanking him, he says he will always be here for me. I'm just hoping he doesn't get sick of me crying although he would never admit it. I love him so much and luck to have him.
I have made an appointment for the end of April to see my IVF Dr to start the roller coast again.....our 7th cycle and the main thing I can't get out of my head is that if my waters broke for no reason at all, no infection, no nothing then why was I one of the very low percentage rates that this has happened to and is it going to happen again cause if it does I swear I will have to be locked away. It took us nearly 2 yrs to conceive our angel, will it take another 2 yrs!!!


There is so much I want to say but I just don't know how to say it.





Feb 26th 2006


On Friday we received the necklace I ordered from Canada with Chloe's name and how long we had her for on one heart and on another are 2 little footprints with little coloured bead for Feb. Its beautiful and now she can be with me all the time.


I thought I was having a good day today, but as the afternoon went on my mood dropped and I shed a few tears. I'm trying to hide it from hubby but he knows when I'm doing it and he just comes over and hugs me. The days are getting slightly easier but I still feel like my heart has been ripped out never to be replaced again........Chloe would be 19 weeks today.
I just dont understand why this has all happened and I know we never will know and I pray that it will never happen again. I can't look at a pregnant woman without tearing or hiding and I feel like every Ad on tv at the moment has a pregnant woman or baby on it. I go back to work next week and am so scared, I know they will all be there for me but I just want to hide and to be honest would just prefer not to go back and start somewhere fresh, but I know I have to get back into life.


I'm going to go to bed and will post more tomorrow.



Some of the above posts are from another Blog that I have also writen.






What Makes A Mother I thought of you and closed my eyes And prayed to God today I asked "What makes a Mother?" And I know I heard him say A Mother has a baby This we know is true But, God, can you be a mother When your baby's not with you? Yes, you can he replied With confidence in his voice I give many women babies When they leave it is not their choice Some I send for a lifetime And others for the day And some I send to feel your womb But there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this God I want my baby here He took a breath and cleared his throat And then I saw a tear I wish I could show you What your child is doing today If you could see your child smile With other children and say "We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear My mommy loved me so much I got to come straight here I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me I learned my lessons very quickly My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much But I visit her each day When she goes to sleep On her pillows where I lay I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek And whisper in her ear Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I am here" So you see my dear sweet one Your children are okay Your babies are here in My home And this is where they'll stay They'll wait for you with Me Until your lessons are through And on the day you come home they'll be at the gates for you So now you see What makes a Mother It's the feeling in your heart It's the love you had so much of Right from the very start Though some on earth May not realize Until their time is done Remember all the love you have And know that you are A Special Mom.

Author © Unknown



April 24, 2006





A New Begining



Well as you can see I stopped writing in my Blog and the reason being is we have had some ups and downs since then:

On the 14th Nov 2005 we recieved the news we had been waiting for that we were finally pregnant through our 6th IVF Fresh cycle and it was the best day of our lives. My pregnancy had been going fine and my tummy was popping out more than expected. I had a slight bleed at 8 weeks but after a scan all was fine and it only lasted for the day. I suffered from night sickness and wasn't eating much at all but I didn't mind, it was so worth it. On the 27th Jan I woke up at 3am with major tummy pain to the point were I was lying on the floor and couldn't get up.
My husband called the Ambulance and I was taken to Hospital where it took them 4 and a half hours for someone to come and see me. The Dr poked around told me I had a urinary tract infection from a pee test and sent me home with some antibiotics and no scan. When I got home I rung my Obstetrician and he was very upset that a scan had not been done and booked me in for one that afternoon. On my way down there I felt a sharp pain in my lower tummy and then a pop and a gush of water, I knew what had happened and when I got out of the car my mum was there, I stood up and down it all came. They took me in for a scan and wouldn't show me her, the lady who did the scan took the pics out to a Dr, she came back and told me I do have a leak and wait for a call from my Dr.
On the way home my Obs rung me and told me there was a leak and it does sound like my waters had broken, I was to go home to bedrest for the weekend and come in and see him on Mon for another scan and we would take it from there.
One week had passed and I was still leaking, we had been having scans every couple of days and still no fluid. We waited after the weekend to have a scan on the Monday, over a weekend since this had all happened and came to a choice that it wan't fair to our baby to keep her hanging on and not being able to develop..... she was only 15w 1d. We were told that without the amniotic fluid her lungs and limbs wouldn't develop and we would probably lose her further down the track. So we were booked in to deliver her on the 7th Feb 06. As it was she had stopped growing at 14w.
We found out that there was a name for what happened, its called PPROM..... Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes.