March 6th 2006

Well tomorrow is the first day back at work and I am crapping myself to say the least. I know it has to be done eventually but I still feel its too soon or maybe I'm just putting it off. I just know there will be tears and I'm still so tierd especially in the afternoons, but I'm just going to take each hour as it comes.
My tummy just feels sick, its in knots I can just say I am scared, becaue the last time they all saw me I was 14 weeks pregnant and a boldging tummy which they were just starting to rub. I was happy, loving every minute of being pregnant, for the first time is ages I felt like my life was full and nearly complete.
I'm gonna take it as it comes this week and I know I will have alot of support, but as a few good friends said to me "don't be brave for others" you have to look after yourself and you hubby and if you let it build up inside for the sake of a job and to keep others happy your putting your grieving process back weeks.
So I will let you know how I go tomorrow and I've been told that if I get there and can only handle a few hrs then thats fine and just tell them I'm going home and I will get no questions asked.
I've been reading a book on miscarriage after infertility, its a good read but its hard to relate to something that have never happend to us. What I mean is we had no bleeding etc we just had our waters break for no reason. I've been doing alot of research over the past couple of days regarding incompetent cervix, so I really think that having a stitch next time will be our option we choice to take and if our Obs wont do it then I have been given the name of a Specialist who does them, there in no way in hell I will go through this heart renching thing again.