March 1st 2006

I'm not having a good day today, I'm so down and I am crying at the drop of a hat, its been 3 weeks since I lost my ~Chloe~ and my heart is just so crying out for her, today would of been our first anti natal app with the hosp too.
I just can't explain the hate, the loss, the hurt, I feel like someone has reached in and ripped out my insides and just stomped all over them.
I'm due to start back at work on Mon and honestly I don't think I'm ready for it yet, but I haven't got any leave left and we can't afford for me to go no pay. My mum thinks me going back to work will help me move on to the next step and I know she is right, but it just hurts to think about it.
I just feel like I want to lock myself away, I don't want to see a preg woman or a woman with a newborn. It's like I just want to hide from the world, from more hurt, more disappointment.
My husband has been my strength and my rock and I cannot thank him enough, although he tells me off for thanking him, he says he will always be here for me. I'm just hoping he doesn't get sick of me crying although he would never admit it. I love him so much and luck to have him.
I have made an appointment for the end of April to see my IVF Dr to start the roller coast again.....our 7th cycle and the main thing I can't get out of my head is that if my waters broke for no reason at all, no infection, no nothing then why was I one of the very low percentage rates that this has happened to and is it going to happen again cause if it does I swear I will have to be locked away. It took us nearly 2 yrs to conceive our angel, will it take another 2 yrs!!!

There is so much I want to say but I just don't know how to say it.