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Arrrgggggggggggg

Well I can't believe this shit, yet again another friend who has fought through so much to become pregnant through IVF had her little boy taken away from her today at 21 weeks. Jess I am so sorry sweetheart, I really am and I wish you didnt have to go through all this and being through it myself I know everything your going to go through and my only advice is take it hour by hour and go with every emotion.
I just don't understand all this, I wish someone could explain to me why us parents who want children so so badly have to endure so much pain. It takes us forever to conceive and then whn we do we lose them, yet there are women out there with 5 different fathers to her 5 kids or 14yr old mothers, mothers swearing at there 5yr olds calling them useless or waste of space. How dare you do this to us, how dare you make us suffer so much!!

Woke up this morning and really didn't want to go to work, all day I just didn't want to be there and I know I am losing interest. I just can't stand the pressure anymore but I know there is nothing I can do about it till the new store opens up and then I can step down. I haven't felt like this about work for a very long time and I'm worried its going to affect my environment. I just didn't have a good day, my boss is ok but he's always on my arese about the same things....some of my staff and what do I do kick their arse's for not working hard enough??? Problem being most of them are the hardest working people I have ever worked with. I just want to be left alone to do what needs to be done.
I don't think any of this helps with my Babe being away either, I just hate it when he goes I have no one to tell me it will be alright, give me a hug and I feel better.

Because of all this I am thinking of my Baby Girl, I should be getting ready to go on maternity leave soon and it just makes me so mad and so upset at the same time, it should be my nesting time, my time to get ready to experience becoming a mum and having our Miracle.

Miss You Both

Was having a good day today until hubby started packing his bags as he's away for work for a week. I should be so use to it by now but I can't, how can I, I just love him so much and miss his company when he's not home. He's something that I look forward to when I come home at night, to whinge to and just to make me feel like nothing else matters.
I so don't want to go to work tomorrow I am really over the whole dam thing, hopefully it will only be 2 more months till I can stand down. I know money wise we are going to suffer big time and its going to be hard, but I can't do this much longer.
Thought about Chloe today, how I should be going on Maternity leave soon. I miss you little girl!!

I Love you Heaps Baby, have a safe trip.

My First Scrapbooking Page

Well this is the outcome of my first scrapbooking page. Man who ever thought that something like this can take so much thinking to do lol.

Why Does This Keep Happening

Today a good friend of mine through one of my IVF groups lost her little boy today at 32weeks. He fought hard to stay in this world but it was not to be. I just don't know what else we have to do to prove how much we want children, this was so not fair to let her come this far and have it all taken away. She is always a bubbly, friendly person who is always thinking of others and in for a good laugh. Some have been asking me how I feel about it, I'm sad but this time its not about me, its about her and her hubby and what they are going through.
I want her to know she is a very loved person and we are all so sorry for what has happened and know that ~Zak~ is with mine and M-A's Angels and there taking good care of him.

Happy Mothers Day

Today is Mothers Day and what a way to celebrate it!! I have toncillitise for the 2nd time this yr and also the flu and couldn't get down to see mum, but she totally understood. Happy Mothers Day Mum, I love you heaps.

I was a little upset this morning as not one wish of Happy Mothers Day came from anyone, I just wanted to be acknolodged as a Mother but it was not to be. I think Nath was tip toeing around it as wasn't sure what to do. I had ~Chloe's~ blanket with me all day just to feel close to her. Nath then said to me later that he was sorry and when I said what for he said "for not having her here with me" and I just said "she is".
My step daughter Elizabeth rung me today to wish me a happy mothers day, she said she has a pressie for me...........she's so cute.

I want to thank all the lovely and beautiful friends who sent me E-cards wishing me a Happy Mothers Day, this mean't so, so much to me.


On another note AF arrived today so now its the decision is whether we start IVF again.....I wonder what it will be?

M-A I am thinking of you today and know that your 4 beautiful ~Angels~ are watching down on you today.

Test Results Back

We my RE rung today and one of my results has come back with elevated protein (which is what my obs thought). Before he took it any further he said he was going to ring a Expert Dr on Bloods and see what he had to say, but more than likely I would have to go on Heparin. So he rung me back and said the Dr said it wasn't too high and I won't have to go on it, but I have decided that I am going to take it and my Obs agreed.My Obs said that he wanted to put my on it first time but my RE didn't agree as he didn't feel there was a reason for it.My Obs said that they can't say if it had anything to do with what happened but at least its one less thing to worry about next time and to let him know as soon as we fall pg again.

So its official, when were ready we can start ttcing again

Well I don't know what happened today but I lost it at work and there were tears everywhere lol. I went in in a bad mood and really didn't want to be there, my boss asked me if everything was ok and I just put my hand up and said I was fine and didn't want to talk about it. So we just started talking and he said are you sure I went yes and holding back the tears. Anyway it ended up with me in his office and me just spilling my guts about how it was 3 months since we had Chloe and I should be 30weeks and then I said and Mothers Day coming up, he then said I knew it, I was wondering how you were feeling about it. So I had a good chat with him and a good sook and he told me to stop bottling things up and if I want to yell or scream or just walk out then do it, he said I tend to take everything onto myself including everyone else's shit!!
So by the afternoon I felt releaved and tierd lol.

Mothers & Mothers Day

What Grieving Mothers Want for Mother's Day

1. Recognize that they are a mother: Offer a hug and a "Happy Mother's Day". Send a simple Mother's Day card to let them know you remember that they are a mother even though their child is not with them physically.
2. Acknowledge that they have had a loss: Express the message, "I know this might be a difficult day for you. I want you to know that I am thinking about you today." Removing the wall of silence gives a grieving mother permission to talk about her child.
3. Use their child's name in conversation: Saying the name of a child who has died is like music to a grieving mothers ears. One mother suggested, "Say his name and ask me my fondest memory of him from past Mother's Days".
4. Plant a living memorial: This is a wonderful day to plant a tree or flower bulbs in memory of the child. This is something that will live on as a beautiful reminder in the years to come.
5. Visit the gravesite: Many mothers felt that it was "extremely thoughtful" when others visited their child's gravesite and left flowers or a small pebble near the headstone.
6. Light a candle: Let the mother know you will light a candle in memory of their child on Mother's Day.
7. Share a memory or pictures of the child: Give the precious gift of a memory. One mother wrote that the "greatest gift you can give is a heart felt letter about my child and your most lovely moments with them".
8. Send a gift of remembrance: Many mothers suggested appropriate gifts of remembrance that would bring them comfort. These items included: an angel statue, a piece of jewelry, a memory box, a memorial candle, a picture frame, a library book donation, an ornament, anything personalized with the child's name or a date, books on grief, a garden stone or a toy donation in the child's name.
9. Don't try to minimize their loss: Avoid using any cliches that attempt to explain the death of a child. ( "God needed another angel.") Secondly, don't try to find anything positive about the loss ( "You still have two healthy children" or "She's in a better place").
10. Encourage Self-Care: Self-care is an important aspect of the "healing the mind and spirit effort" according to several mothers. Encourage a grieving mother to take care of herself. Give her a gift certificate to a day spa or any place where she can be pampered and take her mind off of her grief for an hour or two.

A Mother's Day Wish from Heaven - Jody Seilheimer

I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appearA rather strange idea, I see everything from here.I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a cardA card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagineExcept I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.She is still a mother too, no matter where I resideI had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.

I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to knowThat though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the nightShe plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwellsShe writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earthI must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worthShe needs to be honored, and remembered tooJust as the children of earth will do. Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you’ll do your bestI have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest.Find a way to tell her, how much she means to meUntil I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.

Pre Mothers Day

Mothers Day is only a week a way and I so don't want to deal with this, i want to be acknowledged as a mum but I know my family won't even think about it. Chloe I will always be your mummy and I love you lots.

My Day

Well my darling little girl, you would be 30 weeks tomorrow and want you to know that Mummy & Daddy are thinking of you even more right now because your Due Date is near. You will be part of us forever and I don't want you to ever forget that!! Please watch over us when we start trying for your brother or sister.

Today one of my IVF friends had her baby boy Riely Mathew (mini) Vann, Congratulations Lisa and Dan on the safe arrival of your IVF Miracle and long time comming.

I didn't do much today, both Nath and I needed a sleep in as we have both had a very busy week with work. So we woke up at midday, I desided to go food shopping as the cupboard and fridge was past bare lol it was down right empty. I thought I wouldn't have to get much because of me going on lite n easy but then there's all the toiletries, plus all the fat food you want to eat before you start the diets and you end up putting more on lol. Then I came home and did something scarey....... cleaned both bathrooms from top to bottom, then vacuumed.
Tomorrow Nath has to take his son to footy, so everyone will be leaving the house at lunchtime then I can finish cleaning, as much as I hate it it really has to be done.
Monday I scored of work......woo hooooooo, so with everything done I can have a nothing day!!! Might even try some scrapbooking, I have a friend who does it and she does such a great job (Lis) its inspiring me lol.

Personal DNA

Doing Something About it

Nath and I had a chat last night and I am going back onto lite n easy. I am so relieved , I started this weight loss before I got pregnant and I'm going to follow through with it........its a promise!! And if I can do anything to help me get pregnant again I'm going to do it.
Tonight I laybyed some new clothes for when I lose weight, I have 3 months to pay it off in and I will fit into them by then!

Fatty

Well I'm starting to pork up again, I am to scared to weigh myself but I know I am starting to feel uncomfy. I was doing lite n easy before I became pregnant and lost 4.5kg I am so sure that it contributed to us conceiving. I just can't do it by myself like alot can, I need to be told what to eat and thats why I found it easy plus I want all the help I can get for us to get pregnant again. I so want to go back on it but as usual everything comes down to money!!

Thinking of you Lis

One of my best buddies is going through a hard time at the moment. She is having some medical problems that is causing her grief and might have to have an operation. The whole thing is, is that she and hubby have been trying for another baby and now have to put it of until they find out what is going on. I know how desperatly she wants that baby, but I want to let her know that it will happen, it may not be soon but it will happen!!
I'm here for you if you need me !!