April 25, 2007

I had a Vent

I had a vent on a foum the other day that I thought I should put on my Blog, pls don’t take it personally. 

I am so over this shyte, I'm sick of getting my hopes up only to be shot down cycle after cycle after cycle. I hate the way I came so close only to be shot down and stomped on again. I hate the cost we have to encure every dam time, to have to save and save and go into more debt for something so precious that alot of people take for granted. My daughter should be 9 months old right now and I hate that she is not here.

I will be honest if we weren't blessed, infact not blessed because when you have your child taken away there is no such thing as blessed, but lucky enough to have the 17 embies on ice I think it would be over.
I hate the way people tell me it will happen and look at us cause we are proof because its my uterus letting us down not yours. I tell ya if there was stress leave for ivf most of us would be in line for it!!

Cycle number 9 in 3 months..........am I going to hate that too!!

April 07, 2007

The Future of her baby

I just wanted to share something that happened to me last night at work and has left me very flat today.  As a lot of you know I am a Manager with a big retailer here in
Australia its also a store in a very multi-cultural and poorer area.  Last night we caught a girl who swapped a old pair of shoe’s for a new pair, then decided she was going to leave the store without paying for them.  Anyway when we stopped her and took her to the security office she started crying and saying how sorry she was, that she had never done anything like this before etc, etc and then those words came out I’M PREGNANT and its like that was all that was going around in my head.  She kept trying to talk to me while the security guards where talking to her crying saying sorry and to let her pay for it.  We rung the police, they were flat out and wouldn’t be there for a couple of hours so I made the call to let her pay for the shoe’s……..yep you guessed it was $10 short, so had to ring who I guess was her partner who was waiting outside the store who I found out was escorted out of the store 30 mins before that for trying to wrap a car battery in 18th Birthday paper to give to his girlfriend without paying for it ………. Yep drug fucked to the eye balls.  He had $10 on him so before we took her to the front they got her address ……….’I’m homeless, well I live in a caravan’. 

We took her to the front, she showed me her pg tummy on the way out and one of my work mates said to her well take this as a fresh start.  We then found out later that they got into a un registered car and are known by the police and they want to talk to them. 

Today it just hit me, I just couldn’t stop thinking about the poor baby, that baby will never have a chance, it will never have a good chance with life with role models that it will have in it life.  All day I just have been thinking what I could have said to her on how lucky she was to have that beautiful thing growing in her and then I would have jumped the table and smacked the crap out of her.  I never thought anything would eat me up so much, its like my soul has been ripped out and it’s all hollow inside.  I just want to protect it before its even born and yet again I ask why……….. why am I not allowed to have children?? 

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant, at full term and about to be induced.  There was one lady ahead of me but she happened to be a girl I went to high school with and have not seen since then.  I have never had a pregnancy dream before let alone one being at full term, I actually found myself waking up with a smile on my face and at peace well that was until I started thinking about last night.