Made it through today at work with not seeing one preganat woman....woooo hooooo!! I am getting a little excited about trying ivf again, although don't know why, maybe a fresh start. Although the fresh start was suppose to be with our little girl and a new home.

Poor Nath is as sick as with the Flu at the moment, the poor thing has to go away for work tomorrow and I so don't want him too, he should be in bed. He doesn't get sick very often but when he does he gets it big time.
I'm going to be doing a couple of late nights this week to try and catch up at work, plus we have a new range coming in for normal women, women with hips and waists. We are the first big retailer to do this in Australia, proper sizes for real women. Thought while Naths away its probably a good time to do it.

Mothers Day

I've been thinking how close Mothers Day is, this is supose to be my first one. So how do I deal with it, how do I act happy for my mum's day! How will I be able to feel like a mum for my beautiful girl that had no choice on whether she stayed or not. There should be a day for Angel mum's and dad's.

I can not believe this shit, I have just read that one of the girls in the Teddyloveclub (miscarriage group) and she's just lost her ~Angel Mitchell~ at 19w due to to incomp cervix. This is her third ~Angel~ in her 2nd trimester, and its bullshit that they have to go through this again and again. Why is it that couples who want a child so badly have to go through all this crap and then there's those women who sneeze and have 6 children to 6 different men, are on the pension, go out and drink and leave the kids at home, sleep all day, screw and get pissed all night.

Then I think of my Best IVF Bud and knowing that she had to go through losing her precious twins for the 2nd time and listen to the heartache that her and her Dear Hubby had to go through. Sweetheart you are such an inspiration to me, you worry about everyone else after all you have been though because thats your nature, but I want you to know that I will always be here for you day or night what ever hour for when that time may come that you need to explode!!

Sometimes I feel like some of my friends are drifting away, I understand everyone has things happening in their own lives but I am noticing it a little more. There are people that use to talk to me all the time but now its stopped. Sorry but if they can't deal with whats happened by now then I can't be bothered.
Friends are there forever no matter what is happening!!

My visit with my IVF Dr

I had my visit with my IVF Dr today, who I really think couldn't believe all this had happened and asked how we are doing. I have to say I walked out of there feeling a little down and had tears in my eyes.

He didn't beat around the bush and told us that once it happens you have an increased risk of it happening again, but like my Obs said unfortunately it can happen to anyone and there is nothing you can do to stop it. He explained that it had nothing at all to do with my cervix and even if the stitch went in my waters can still break and the stitch will do nothing. He also explained that it was not my cervix opening that caused the waters to break, it just happens and if it had of been my cervix then I would of gone into labor on my own.

He has sent me off for some more blood tests and even another chromosome (sp) one for Nath much to Naths disgrace lol of having to have a blood test...........big girl!!! The ones I remember are ladien(sp), protein c, chromosome etc and even one the nurse hadn't heard of lol. So now the wait for a couple of weeks with the chromosome taking 3 weeks to come back, if all is ok well the roller coaster begins with a my first natural frozen cycle as all my others have been artificial (medicate ones). He said it may not work because of the ovulation track record but none of the artificial ones have either with af arriving on day 10 of 2 and day 12 on the other and for those that don't know, when you do a artificial FET you should get af until you come of the pill. He said now at least we know that you can get pregnant (first person to say that to us lol) and after these tests there is no others that they can do. I asked him about the long hours I did when it happened and he said that you can't put it down to it but when your preg you need to drop your hours and get rid of the stress and to me in his voice the the 15hrs I did that day wouldn't of helped.

On the way out we ran into my Obs who was talking to some other Dr's and told us to stop. He came over and said he was going to ring us on Monday and had said another one of my tests had come back and it showed something. It showed some sort of blood clotting and he now knows that I will defanatly be going onto heparin if I fall pg again, he said at least something has shown up although as he said no cold comfort. He then asked us what we were doing here and told him we had been to see our RE, which was one of his old teachers when he was training. My obs asked what was happening so we told him and he asked to look at the tests he had ordered, then commented that a couple were the test he ordered a couple of weeks ago but would be interested to see how the clotting one comes back this time, he then gave me a Hugh hug and said he was going to say hi to my RE.

I have to say how dam scared I am of this whole thing, I know its out of my control but its my child I may lose again and I told my Dr that if I lose it again I will be certified for life......he totaly understood. My heart strings are so being pulled and my tummy is cherning, I long for my child so badly that I can't even put it into words.

Just couldn't sleep last night, so I got up at 4.30 and went to work have no idea what was going through my head. Hubby was away last night so I slept with Chloe's blanket next me, maybe sounds a little silly but having it near me at night I feel close to her.

I have my IVF Dr's appointment tomorrow and not really sure how I feel about the whole thing, guess its taking the next step. The thought of all that we have been through just comes rushing back, appointment after appointment. So tomorrow I have to ask him about having a stitch put in but I know what he is going to say, but can't hurt to ask I guess.
The next big step is hoping that my frosties will survive the thaw, we have 3 frozen and always have 2 transfered. I don't have the best thaw rate but have been surprised before, just couldn't handle a cancelled cycle!!

I got a phone call from my Obs on Monday, he told me all my blood tests and swabs had come back normal and that it all come down to bad luck that my waters had broke. I feel like shit honestly, thats not what I want to hear, I wanted something we could see or deal with then at least we know where we stand.
The thought of me falling pregnant is so scaring me, not the fact of getting pregnant but the thought of losing it again is heartbreaking. I loved being pregnant, I loved the tummy, the night sickness, the thought of life growing inside of me, the sore boobs, the tierdness........I want it all back.
We are going back to IVF soon, but not sure how soon.

I've been having some good days lately and I'm scared of that, it makes me feel like I'm forgetting Chloe. Then today one of my staff wanted to speak to me, she didn't know how to tell me, but she was 2 months pregnant and was scared to tell me. I was waiting for this, whether it be her or someone else but I knew it would come.

I have my appointment with my IVF Dr on Friday to see where to from here and to start that shitty IVF roller coaster again. The thought of it all makes me so tierd, I mean it took me 2 yrs of ivf to fall pregnant this time I don't think I could wait that long again. The blood tests, the tablets, the failed cycles and my poor body not to mention my broken heart everytime we have a failed cycle. Honestly I can understand why women just keep going with this shit, you keep fighting and fighting for something you just want so badly, something to hold and to have as your own.

My Infertility History

Well I've had a few ask what actualy is my Infertility problem ..... well where do I start lol.
My Husband and I started to try in 2001 to have our first child and after 6 months of trying still nothing, in the mean time I had been doing some reading and fell across this thing called PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome which showed alot of symptoms I was showing. I made an appointment to see my GP to see why I wasn't pregnant and mentioned it to him, first he told me come back and see me in another 6months if you are not pregnant and there is no way you could have pcos.
Another 6 months past and I bought up the issue of pcos again to my GP and he said he would do a test for me, but would wait until the bloods come back before he addressed the pregnancy thing or should I say lack of lol. The blood test came back a week later and it confirmed what I had thought I had pcos and I was booked in for an ultrasound and that too confirmed it, so my GP booked me in to see a Gyno.
I went to see my gyno and he put us on clomid, every month we beded on time, doing a ovulation test just to make sure then came the blood tests on day 21. We ended up doing 8 cycles of clomid more than what you should, I ovulated 5 times and didn't 3 times. He desided to do a Laparoscopy and have a look inside, the last hting I remember before going in was a Dr telling me that there is a risk my bowl could be knicked but its normally a one in 5000 chance for it to happen, well there were 4999 happy women out there because guess what, it happened to me. My poor husband was starting to worry why a 45 min proceedure was still going 3 hrs later and no one had told him what was going on. My hubby went out to the car to ring my parents to tell them there was something going on and they better come down. On the way back a nurse met him and asked him to go into the chapel and the Dr would be out to see him. He told Nath what had happened and the we wouldn't have kids naturally and I was being sent to a bigger hospital incase there were complications.
When I woke up in the morning I was told what had happened. It was explained the due to mis-diagnosed burst appendix when I was 16 (Dr told my mum it was just women problems and to take panadol) that the scar tissue had grown around my tubes and crushed them closed ..... it was a mess and I would never conceive naturally and to tell you honestly I don't know if it actually sank in. I was in Hospital for 6 days.
When we went to the gyno after I got out of Hospital, he was so sorry for what had happened and honestly after I saw the photo's its not his fault for what had happened, he was trying to clean up some of the scarring when my bowel was knicked. Now it was explained to us that IVF was our only way to concieve, so we made an appointment with our IVF specialist at Melbourne IVF.
My first appointment with my ivf Dr was overwhelming, just so much info. We were told that with my pcos my miscarriage rate rises, also because of my age it was discussed that we will put back 2 embrio's each time. We were also told that we really shouldn't have a problem getting pregnant.

Cycle one: Fresh cycle, 150mg stim, 19 eggs, 3 survived to transfer, 2 transfered, one frozen embrio, period arrived day 12. (04)

Cycle two: Fresh cycle, 225mg stim, 29 eggs, 11 survived to transfer, 2 transfered, 9 frozen (total 10), blood test came back at 15, was told it was a slight implantation and we would lose it. Blood tests went on for 6 weeks and numbers going up but not enough, scan at 6 weeks, empty sac, lost it the next day. Had a d&c day after our first wedding anniversary. (04)

Frozen cycle one: artificial FET, 2 embrio's died, 2 transfered, period showed up day 10. Was suppose to be no period until I came of meds, no explanation. (04)

Frozen cycle two: artificial FET, 2 embrio's died, 2 transfered, period showed up again on day 10. (05)

Frozen cycle three: artificial FET, 2 embrio's transfered, period showed up day 12 even with extra progesterone support. (05)

Fresh cycle three: fresh cycle, 187.5mg stim, 14 eggs, 5 survived to transfer, 2 transfered one was blast on day 2, 3 frozen, blood test came back at 55, a few days later the next blood test came back over 200..... we are pregnant after 4 long yrs.

On the 27th Jan 06 our world fell apart when my waters broke for no reason at 14w 5d. I delivered Chloe at 16w 2d...... My Beautiful Angel.
Where to from here???? We have an appointment with our fertility specialist on the 28th April to discuss our future.

April 16th 2006

Hope you all had a Happy Easter. Couldn't stop thinking about Chloe today, guess its just one more holiday to get over with the next one being Mothers Day which I am so dreading, but I know the next one is her due date which is the 23rd July.
Chloe, Mummy & Daddy want to wish you a Happy Easter and your egg is on my bedside table!! We love you lots.

April 9th 2006

Happy Angel Day Sweety, you would be 25weeks today. Mummy and Daddy love you lots and think about you every single day.

April 5th 2006

Well I had my appointment today with my gyno/obs to do some swabs to check if there are any nasties, h e was testing for one in particular but I can't remember the name. We had a good talk about things including the stitch and as I thought he doesn't want me to have it cause he said there is nothing wrong with my cervix, he said that if there was I would of gone into labor soon after my waters broke.... At least a couple of days but I had to be induced 2 weeks later. He said when he did the ultra sound 3 days later my cervix was shut tight, he made it clear he was not against them as he does them but he said honestly if I thought you needed it I would do it and he's also scared it may cause an abortion or infection. He mentioned that when I see my RE at the end of the month to mention it and see what he says about it...... Also found out today that my RE actually trained my gyno/obs (small world). He has sent me off for more blood tests as he has just had a woman who mc for no reason and when he sent her off for these tests he found something in the bloods, he said he'd never really tested for it before but is now sending all mc women to have one. I also spoke to him about anti-depressants and he said he would prefer me not to, he said they make you gain weight (which I don't need for ivf) and also he doesn't like giving them to women who are ttcing, he said its only been 2 months since we lost Chloe and our grieving is not even half way there yet. He said just go with all your feelings when you need to, don't be scared to have good days, enjoy each others company, have great sex and have a drink every once and a while lol. I actually felt a little better coming out from our chat and he said ring him anytime I want a chat.

April 3rd 2006

It was Nathan's first day at his new job today and of course he had to be away from home overnight, I should be use to it as it was the same for his past job but I just miss him. He sounded happy and it sounds like everything went smoothly, thank goodness. The owners of the place seem like a very family orientated company and its still hard to believe he is a National Business Mgr of Australia..... Proud of you baby!!!
Just couldn't get motivated today at work, felt a little low as hubby was upset again on Sunday and said he had a dream of Chloe but we both just had a cry together and thats all we can do. Only 23 days till we see our IVF Dr, getting a little scared and I see my gyno/obs on Wed for some more tests.

March 31st 2006

I want my little girl back, I want to be able to talk about my pregnancy like all the other pregnant women, compare my tummy, my pains, my baby moving and knowing July is coming around so fast its starting to hurt more. I just feel like I have a big void in my life at the moment that really needs filling and I really do hope it will happen one day but please don't tell me it will because unless you can see into the future I don't want to hear it.
Wish someone could give me my heart back in one peace!

Take the Hurt Away

Hubby had a breakdown yesterday afternoon, he had been drinking with his brother and when he got home (a little pi$$ed), he admited to me that he got up early that morning because he couldn't stop thinking about our little girl that we lost at 16w on the 7th Feb. He said that he wishes someone would ask him how he was doing for once instead of me all the time. He was telling me how much he misses her and wonders what she would look like if we had of had her. I honestly didn't realise how much he was keeping this inside of him and everytime I ask him he says he's dealing with it in his own way so i just left him alone. We just cried together and I told him its his child and he's allowed to cry too, he said it was seeing her little bed in the bedroom that set him off today....the one the hospital presented her to us in. We would be 25 weeks today. He also said that he knows God took her for a reason and has that he plans but I'm sorry while we were going through this cycle I prayed everyday to him but now I just can't do it or hear about it.
The pain is just undescribable and I never want anyone to go through this. I know I'm not the only person to lose a child but it hurts like hell. How dare she be taken away from us, our first and could be our only child. I have to admit that I have had the thought that I don't want the pain anymore but I soon snap myself out of it. I guess when we start ivf again it may keep me occupied but I will always be scared and worried. I just want this year to be over so badly, Mothers Day is in May, July is her due date 3 days before our wedding anniversary, then comes Christmas and then her anniversary of Chloe's Birth. I have been absent from my chatroom because there is just to much pg talk now, I am so happy for them but some just go on and on and on and I normally end up feeling worse after being in there or just teary.
He saw my uncle down the street yesterday and no one had told him that we were pregnant and that we had lost her, he just burst into tears and couldn't move, saying that we want kids so badly and it wan't fair.
I can't wait to move to the country, we built this house 3 yrs ago and have had nothing but bad luck since being in it. Its not because I can give up work either, but I just so want to be a house wife to Nath, to look after him like he so deserves. With both of us working 60hrs a week and me every second weekend and nights we just don't do things that we should even things such as cooking, and I know my stress levels will dive too. If we are lucky enough to have a child then its the best place to bring them up but hopefully it won't take another 2yrs.

I don't want to be an adult anymore, take me back to my childhood.

Well you can shove 2006 where the sun don't shine!!! Today my husband was made redundant from his job along (he was a state Manager with a pet supply accessory company) with all the other State Managers plus a few other staff. There was no sign this was coming at all and they flew state to state firing the staff. After the loss of our little girl, this was the last thing we needed not to mention we bought our block of land yesterday!!
What the hell have we done so wrong in life to keep going through all this shit time after time, honestly I don't know how much more I can take. Nath's trying so hard to put on a brave face for me as he loved this job so much and we're just starting to get our lives together and its like someone says ..... OH no smile on their faces, we can't have that!!!

ARRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

March 17th 2006

Tomorrow I turn 35, can't believe how quickly I'm aging lol, it is so scarey, especially with the baby part as you know your time is ticking especially with IVF. Hubby is taking me out to buy me a ring as I want a pink emerald....love it and then we're off to my parents for dinner. Honestly I didn't really want a birthday this year with the loss of our little girl, but my mum has other plans.

March 12th 2006

Its So Unfair

I got some bad news yesterday, one of my good friends who has been on the IVF road with myself and in one of the support groups lost her babies last night. They were 22w, her waters had started to leak a few weeks ago, I think with her cervix slightly open. They put an emergency stitch in with her in hospital until they were born but it was not to be. The most heart breaking thing is that this is the second time this has happened as they lost twins once before.
I just can't believe life can be so cruel not once but twice and it just brings back what we went through nearly 5 weeks ago, all that pain and loss.
I just want to let her know that I am thinking of her and hubby, sending all our love and strength.

March 9th 2006

I had my second day at work today and only sooked once, but that was because I cought up with a few that I didn't see on Tues. When I went to my desk there was an envelope with my name on it and when I opened it up it had a gift voucher for a night at a motel with a 3 course meal and breakfast provided. That gift was from one of the fantastic men I work with, it was something he had won at our work christmas party last yr and had told people that he has no one to share it with and he though my husband and I deserved it.........I was shell shocked!!! Its amazing how kind people can actually be.
I took the biggest step in my career today, I stepped down from my Management position (I work for a hugh retailer with over 180 stores in Australia). It will not be effective straight away as they will need to find me a position somewhere else, but after 9 yrs of doing it and 19 yrs with the same company I had just had enough and it was time to start thinking of me for a change. So when it all takes effect I will hopefully be doing 35 hrs instead of 60 a week. I felt so relieved after I spoke to her, like a weight that had been lifted off and now I can looked forward to having more time with my husband.

March 8th 2006

Well yesterday was my first day back at work and I wont half admit I was so scared!! I cried before I left home, but when I arrived I just walked straight in. Most of the staff were good, especially the guys, they all seem to just walk up asked how I was, some gave me a hug and said if I need a shoulder. I think more of the women struggled, with most saying hi and chatting but some others that just said hi and kept walking.
I'm only working 2 days this week as emotionally thats all I think I could handle, but I tell ya I just felt so lost and out of place there yesteday and we have a new Store Manager who started on Monday so that did help me either, he just shows no emotions. Tomorrow I am going in to speak to the Regional Manager about standing down from my Management position and just work on the floor, instead of working 60 hrs a week I can work 35-40 and start getting my life and my health back into shape.
Emotionally I know the days are getting better, but for some reason this afternoon I have gone all emotional again and anything is setting me off and for those in Australia, epecially the Coles ad and it just seems like every advert has a baby or pregnancy in it at the moment.
I just hurt for the feeling of missing something, being empty, knowing that I should be half way there by now, will it take another 2 yrs for me to fall pregnant and will I kept it this time. But as I think I have said it before, next time I will be getting a stitch at about 13 weeks and even if I don't need it, its there anyway.
I just want my own child, one is all I ask for!!!

March 6th 2006

Well tomorrow is the first day back at work and I am crapping myself to say the least. I know it has to be done eventually but I still feel its too soon or maybe I'm just putting it off. I just know there will be tears and I'm still so tierd especially in the afternoons, but I'm just going to take each hour as it comes.
My tummy just feels sick, its in knots I can just say I am scared, becaue the last time they all saw me I was 14 weeks pregnant and a boldging tummy which they were just starting to rub. I was happy, loving every minute of being pregnant, for the first time is ages I felt like my life was full and nearly complete.
I'm gonna take it as it comes this week and I know I will have alot of support, but as a few good friends said to me "don't be brave for others" you have to look after yourself and you hubby and if you let it build up inside for the sake of a job and to keep others happy your putting your grieving process back weeks.
So I will let you know how I go tomorrow and I've been told that if I get there and can only handle a few hrs then thats fine and just tell them I'm going home and I will get no questions asked.
I've been reading a book on miscarriage after infertility, its a good read but its hard to relate to something that have never happend to us. What I mean is we had no bleeding etc we just had our waters break for no reason. I've been doing alot of research over the past couple of days regarding incompetent cervix, so I really think that having a stitch next time will be our option we choice to take and if our Obs wont do it then I have been given the name of a Specialist who does them, there in no way in hell I will go through this heart renching thing again.

March 4th 2006

I have developed a new Support Forum tonight called Miscarriage, Neonatal Loss, Stillborn or Loss of a Child Forum. It is only for Loss which is hard to find. It can be accessed at

http://shazld.proboards75.com/index.cgi

So if you interested in joining or know someone who might be interested, please do so.

March 2nd 2006

Well had a good day today, although slept like crap as hubby was snooring heaps, which he does when he's tierd. Kept myself busy with cleaning the house....how very exciting lol.
I struggled a little when I went into my normal chatroom and there were pg women everywhere but I know I just have to leave. Starting to get a bit worried about going back to work on Monday, but my Regional Mgr said I could go back Mon, Wed and Fri which will be a big help and if I can't handle Mon then just go home. I know its for the best to go back and I can't keep putting it off forever.
My mum rung me yesterday to check up on me, I love her so much she says she's always worrying about her little girl and I know this has effected her and dad heaps as this was there first grandchild, I think more dad than anything he was so excited everytime he saw me before it all happened. But I promise him one thing I don't give up and I will give him his grandchild.

My Mum, what can I say, you were there from the start, you helped me go through labor and held my hand. Although you left the room to do something just before we had Chloe and they wouldn't let you back in, which I know you wanted to be there, words can't describe how much it all mean't to me.

To my Darling Husband. You and I have been through so much in our 5 yrs together and I am sorry the road has not been an easy one, but as you keep reminding me we are soul mates and thats what we do. You deserve so much and although you do have 2 children of your own I know how much you really were looking forward to becoming a daddy again. The pain I saw in your eyes from the moment we found out she would not stay with us yet you looked after me the whole time and when I saw you hold her and the tears running down your face is something I will never forget, but again you still looked after me. You made a CD for us to remeber her by with all her pics, something we will always cherish. But I want you to know this long journey is not over yet!!

March 1st 2006

I'm not having a good day today, I'm so down and I am crying at the drop of a hat, its been 3 weeks since I lost my ~Chloe~ and my heart is just so crying out for her, today would of been our first anti natal app with the hosp too.
I just can't explain the hate, the loss, the hurt, I feel like someone has reached in and ripped out my insides and just stomped all over them.
I'm due to start back at work on Mon and honestly I don't think I'm ready for it yet, but I haven't got any leave left and we can't afford for me to go no pay. My mum thinks me going back to work will help me move on to the next step and I know she is right, but it just hurts to think about it.
I just feel like I want to lock myself away, I don't want to see a preg woman or a woman with a newborn. It's like I just want to hide from the world, from more hurt, more disappointment.
My husband has been my strength and my rock and I cannot thank him enough, although he tells me off for thanking him, he says he will always be here for me. I'm just hoping he doesn't get sick of me crying although he would never admit it. I love him so much and luck to have him.
I have made an appointment for the end of April to see my IVF Dr to start the roller coast again.....our 7th cycle and the main thing I can't get out of my head is that if my waters broke for no reason at all, no infection, no nothing then why was I one of the very low percentage rates that this has happened to and is it going to happen again cause if it does I swear I will have to be locked away. It took us nearly 2 yrs to conceive our angel, will it take another 2 yrs!!!

There is so much I want to say but I just don't know how to say it.

Feb 26th 2006

On Friday we received the necklace I ordered from Canada with Chloe's name and how long we had her for on one heart and on another are 2 little footprints with little coloured bead for Feb. Its beautiful and now she can be with me all the time.

I thought I was having a good day today, but as the afternoon went on my mood dropped and I shed a few tears. I'm trying to hide it from hubby but he knows when I'm doing it and he just comes over and hugs me. The days are getting slightly easier but I still feel like my heart has been ripped out never to be replaced again........Chloe would be 19 weeks today.
I just dont understand why this has all happened and I know we never will know and I pray that it will never happen again. I can't look at a pregnant woman without tearing or hiding and I feel like every Ad on tv at the moment has a pregnant woman or baby on it. I go back to work next week and am so scared, I know they will all be there for me but I just want to hide and to be honest would just prefer not to go back and start somewhere fresh, but I know I have to get back into life.

I'm going to go to bed and will post more tomorrow.

Some of the above posts are from another Blog that I have also writen.

What Makes A Mother I thought of you and closed my eyes And prayed to God today I asked "What makes a Mother?" And I know I heard him say A Mother has a baby This we know is true But, God, can you be a mother When your baby's not with you? Yes, you can he replied With confidence in his voice I give many women babies When they leave it is not their choice Some I send for a lifetime And others for the day And some I send to feel your womb But there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this God I want my baby here He took a breath and cleared his throat And then I saw a tear I wish I could show you What your child is doing today If you could see your child smile With other children and say "We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear My mommy loved me so much I got to come straight here I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me I learned my lessons very quickly My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much But I visit her each day When she goes to sleep On her pillows where I lay I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek And whisper in her ear Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I am here" So you see my dear sweet one Your children are okay Your babies are here in My home And this is where they'll stay They'll wait for you with Me Until your lessons are through And on the day you come home they'll be at the gates for you So now you see What makes a Mother It's the feeling in your heart It's the love you had so much of Right from the very start Though some on earth May not realize Until their time is done Remember all the love you have And know that you are A Special Mom.

Author © Unknown

A New Begining

Well as you can see I stopped writing in my Blog and the reason being is we have had some ups and downs since then:

On the 14th Nov 2005 we recieved the news we had been waiting for that we were finally pregnant through our 6th IVF Fresh cycle and it was the best day of our lives. My pregnancy had been going fine and my tummy was popping out more than expected. I had a slight bleed at 8 weeks but after a scan all was fine and it only lasted for the day. I suffered from night sickness and wasn't eating much at all but I didn't mind, it was so worth it. On the 27th Jan I woke up at 3am with major tummy pain to the point were I was lying on the floor and couldn't get up.
My husband called the Ambulance and I was taken to Hospital where it took them 4 and a half hours for someone to come and see me. The Dr poked around told me I had a urinary tract infection from a pee test and sent me home with some antibiotics and no scan. When I got home I rung my Obstetrician and he was very upset that a scan had not been done and booked me in for one that afternoon. On my way down there I felt a sharp pain in my lower tummy and then a pop and a gush of water, I knew what had happened and when I got out of the car my mum was there, I stood up and down it all came. They took me in for a scan and wouldn't show me her, the lady who did the scan took the pics out to a Dr, she came back and told me I do have a leak and wait for a call from my Dr.
On the way home my Obs rung me and told me there was a leak and it does sound like my waters had broken, I was to go home to bedrest for the weekend and come in and see him on Mon for another scan and we would take it from there.
One week had passed and I was still leaking, we had been having scans every couple of days and still no fluid. We waited after the weekend to have a scan on the Monday, over a weekend since this had all happened and came to a choice that it wan't fair to our baby to keep her hanging on and not being able to develop..... she was only 15w 1d. We were told that without the amniotic fluid her lungs and limbs wouldn't develop and we would probably lose her further down the track. So we were booked in to deliver her on the 7th Feb 06. As it was she had stopped growing at 14w.
We found out that there was a name for what happened, its called PPROM..... Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes.