First Post after giving birth at 25 weeks

I am sorry it's taken so long to post but as you could understand I spend nearly all my days at the NICU with our Beautiful Boy.  The post that will be going up are some entried from my journal and others are just posts to groups.  It has been 6 weeks since Maxx was born and I have to admit a very long 6 weeks.

I went for my 18 week checkup in July and mentioned a few things that had happened such as a bit of pain, some mucus loss etc.  My OBS had a bit of a look only to discover that my waters were buldging.  I was sent straight to hospital for a stitch only to be told there was no bed and I had to go sit in emergency, not lie down but sit.  We rung our OBS who rung the hospital and I was put in a bed in the emergency dept.  It took over 5 hours for the surgeon to come and see me only for him to shove the speculum so far into me that I thought it was going to cut me in half.  The Dr told me that I was leaking fluid and there was nothing he could do........... we were devestated and couldn't belive we were going to loose another child.  They put us into a private room to start grieving I guess.  DH just sat in a chair and looked out the window all night and I think I just fell asleep wiith pure exhustion. 

The next morning no one had come to see us and we had heard nothing so he rung my OBS, told him that they wouldn't do the stitch and what do we do now.  Our OBS told us to discharge ourselves and go to the Royal Womens Hospital to which we did.  The Royal Woman were fantastic and caring.  They put me under and put in a McDonalds stitch and I was left to rest for a week and a half where they would monitor infection.  At nearly 20 weeks I was told they were sending me back to the hospital that wouldn't do the stitch till I reached 24 weeks as my pregnancy was classified as "viable".  That is such a horrible term and I hate it, if I can feel my child moving how can it not be viable!!

I stayed at that hospital for over 3 weeks with daily blood tests to monitor infections, 2 scans a week, daily fluid loss, bleeds etc.  At 24 weeks I was sent to yet another hospital that had the facilities to deal with a premmie baby.

The above is only a very brief version of what happened as you could understand it would take me a very long time to type everything, every emotion, tear etc we went through.

I'm home after 7 1/2 weeks in hospital and it all feels a bit strange and first time online too. The house seems like a florist and gifts have started but seems strange cause he is not here for them.

First of all both Nathan & I want to thank everyone from the bottom of our hearts for all the love, well wishes, support, sms's, phone calls, prayers etc. It has been the hardest 7 weeks of our lives and there were times I was ready to give in but there was a little person that kept me going oh and the crosswords, games etc .

His name Maxx Cooper Garnet. He was born 10.07am Sunday 24th August through emergency C-section at 25 weeks due to a cord prolapse and he is the love of our lives. He was 845g, 32cm long and every day we get told how big he is for his gestation, infact for the first couple of days I was asked if my due dates were right and as he was IVF yes the dates were right. We had chosen Maxx as a boys name when we were having Chloe over 2 1/2yrs ago but his middle name was going to be Oscar but I loved Cooper and felt it was a strong name.

I had had alot of pain on saturday afternoon, went and had a shower and the bottom of my tummy felt heavy and hard, told Nathan when I got out, asked for pain relief and sooked most of the night. At about 1am woke with a stinging pain but I pushed through it with drugs. 3am called for a nurse, she felt for contractions but couldn't feel anything. They gave me a sleeping tablet as I hadn’t slept for 3 nights due to a mass snorer next to me (Monash don't give pre mummies single rooms you share with 3 others, guess I was spoilt at Frankston and Royal Womens). Woke up at 8 for breakie and all pain was gone which I thought was strange. A Dr came in to see me, he left, I got up to go to loo and felt something between my legs went into the loo and saw the cord hanging out. I went flying back into bed rung for a nurse and next thing I know a major code was going off, nurses and the Dr came running in, chucked me on all fours the Dr shoving his hand inside me pushing the cord back up, a blanket being chucked over me and the bed being flown straight into surgery, my head in the pillow and the Dr telling me it will be ok an he can still feel the pulse in the cord. I could see Dr's and nurse coming from everywhere as they had to have a team for me and the NICU Dr's for Maxx. I had to have both hands out as they were trying to get a drip in my hands and would use which ever went in first. I was flipped onto the bed and less than a minute I was out and Maxx was out in less than 3 minutes and took his own first breath. They have less than 10 minutes to get a baby out to survive when this happens and the Dr told me later that these are rare now and he has done 3 this yr which is more than he has done in a couple of yrs. Poor Nathan wasn't there and didn’t know that this was happening as he was on his way to visit me. Next thing I know I was waking up and Nathan said we have a son and I have to say the rest of the day was a blur. I had a T cut which means they had to cut me from my belly button to my pubic area inside due to the scar tissue plus from one side of my tummy to the other on the outside.He is on a ventilator but only needing 25% oxygen which can fluctuate from day to day but tares at your heart when it needs to be pushed up a little but I just have to remember he is less than a week old.
All the NICU Dr's and nurses are worth their weight in gold and comment nearly every day on how active he is and wriggles around so much. I got to change his nappy and do his temp yesterday for the first time. He is starting to take my colostrum and has 1ml every 2 hrs now. He is in what we call a chook bag which is a plastic bag that covers him to keep him warm and his skin soft and they are hoping to move him to a humidy crib very soon. He has big feet and hands but yet so small. He is off most of his medication such as high blood pressure, toxin meds etc, lets just say he was on 8 bags of meds and now down to 2 with one of them being antibiotics as I might have given him a bug through the stitch I had.

We are just so proud of the fight he has put in over the past 7 weeks to stay put and prove so many people wrong and mostly being the Dr's who at Frankston admitted that they didn't think we would make it past the 2w mark and to our surprise our EX obs who told Nathan the same. We only heard from him once through this whole thing which is why I say EX.

We have a long road to still travel and anything can still happen at anytime but for today he is having another good day and that we thank god. I am very emotional right now and miss him so much at night, I am scared to go to sleep sometimes as I worry something will happen when I am not there but we know he is in the best possible care and we can ring or go in at anytime of day/night. The main worry for a premmie is brain hemorrhage or lung problems at anytime.

I have to say my life has changed forever in so many ways and most of it has come from laying on my back for 7 weeks with only toilet privileges and only 2 major breakdowns. I didn't think I would have it in me but I guess when your fighting for a life you will do ANYTHING!
If I don't reply with sms's right now please understand that I am with our little man or just tired. I can't drive for 6 weeks and this first week not allowed home alone so its hard relying on others to get me to Monash which is over an hr away.

Nathan just rung me and he has been put into a humidy crib which means he has graduated. I am so proud of him.

Alot has happened

Well alot has happened over the past 9 weeks including the birth of our beautiful son Maxx Cooper at 25 weeks.

I will be back shortly to write our mini book of what has happened.

17 weeks

I managed to get hold of a computer and so sorry for no updates.

I am 17 weeks and we made it past another mile stone as it was the day I gave birth to our Angel, so you could say I have never been this far along before.  I am now in maternity clothes, the stretching has settled a bit and the best news ever........ . I think I felt bub move on Monday and it was the best!!  My FS also phoned me last Friday to check up on me and see how things were.I have all my appointments in 2 weeks, first my 18w OBS, then my 18w scan and then an appointment at the hospital.  I have to say I am hanging out for the scan.  I will post a pick today of my new bump that I love to let hang out, its the one time I don't have to hold my gut in lol.
 
I had a fainting spell this week. I went into my old store to visit the staff and it was so warm and yep i went giddy and had to lie on the floor, was so weird the way it came over.  Also I have been waking at 3am because i am hungry as, I think this baby is super sizing its food and I tell ya its bad enough having to pee all night let alone being woken up cause I am friggin hungry!!

 



 I have been getting some sharp pains down below and of course freak out everytime I feel a sharp one.  I just think its all going to happen all over again, I really think myself into the whole thing and then have to pull myself back and say no, no its not going to happen again but unfortunatly my brain wins over.  I am not even half way yet and every day scares me more and more, I just so want to enjoy this I desperatly do. 

I finish work in 4 weeks and I am so glad, I am just soooooooo tired and to be on my feet at work is killing me, yes easy sit down but its the mental thing of the job.  I just feel like I can't get enough sleep.  I read in a book that we wee told to get as much sleep before bubs is born but as she said its starts before that because you can't get comfortable in bed, your up peeing all night then it takes ages to get comfortable and fall a sleep again.  I think there should be a bed designed where you can pull a bit out of the mattress that your tummy can fit into........can't hurt!

Will update you as soon as can, hopefully will have a network card soon.

We're ok.

Yes I know bad girl but I do have an excuse.  We have been house sitting for my hubbies boss and he forgot to leave his network card before he headed overseas for 6 weeks so I am going through big withdrawls right now and we still have another 4weeks to go argggggggggg.

I had a breakdown early this week as I felt pains lower down in my tummy but my OBS reasured me it was ligament stretching and maybe ripping.  But after the loss last time and remembering the pain then I just freak at any pain now.  
We lost our Angel in in just under 2 weeks time last time and its starting to do my head in, I wish time would slow a little.  They still can't tell me why my waters broke last time and I just couldn't handle it again infact I think that would be it for trying again.  But I have to think of this as a different pg and treat it as such............ yeah right, unfortunatly the brain wins over everytime!
Our OBs appointment was fantastic, he was so excited to see us back, infact when he was examining my tummy he was looking at me and said I am so happy for you two and you both so deserve this so much and he started welling which in turn set me off lol. Him and his wife have also been going through IVF which is one of the reasons I chose him 2yrs ago when we were pg with Chloe so we know he understands. He wants me to go and have a cervix scan at 14w as well as a UTI test again, back to have a 18-20 w scan with his radiology partner and the thing I was over joyed at........... he kept me on the pessaries and proganova until nearly 15 weeks! I was so looking forward to getting off them and now another couple of sloppy weeks to go, but I know its all for a good thing. He has put me on the emergency scan list, so if for what ever reason something doesn't feel right I can ring them and I can go in anytime for a scan.

Well we are 13w tomorrow and I have to say it is getting quicker. I had my Pre-natal bloods done last thursday, my NT scan done on Monday and my first OBS appointment on Tues.
The scan was great, just to see our little one lying there not over exerting itself but managed to raise a hand and thats all lol. We got to see little fingers, placenta pumping away and little limbs and for the first time the heartbeat. Unfortunatly bubaloo wasn't moving for anyone no matter what, it was poked, proded and I even had to do a couple of sit ups but nope it was staying put but did mange to raise its hand to its face which we think could of been telling us to buzz off and let me sleep. The Dr said that it was all good and if bub stays like this it could mean we may have a sleeper on our hands when its born. I just think it was practicing holding the remote control.......... so we are tipping boy lol. It was so diferent from when we had our scan with our Angel Chloe as she wouldn't sit still, infact it took him 20 mins to try and measure her NT fold but not this one.

It has been a while

I am sorry I haven't been in blog land for a while and yes everything is ok.  I have decided that this Blog won't be password protected, what you see is what you get and after 6 yrs of trying for a Baby and the loss of one 2 yrs ago I want to continue sharing my journey.  If you don't feel up to it I totally understand.

We had another scan last week at 9w 1d and bub is perfect.  Bean measured 2cm, strong heartbeat and good size.  Me on the otherhand has had night sickness which kicks in about 3 everyday, can't eat chocolate of any kind is is devestated lol I mean I still have a fridge full of easter choocolate and I can't deal with it, my pleasure is gone lmao.  I am very tired in the afternoons and could sleep where I am standing which is not a good thing as I work in retail lol but we have decided I will start Maternity leave on the 25th July when I will be 20w.  Honestly it's only starting to kick in that this is real again well besides the constant stretching pains, tiredness and the neusea oh and not to mention the 3x400mg pessaries I have to insert everyday until 12w 2d.

One thing that is playing on my mind is the thought that in 4w 5d my waters broke with my Angel Chloe.  How do you get something like this out of your mind, how do you stop yourself from thinking its going to happen again??  I mean you have never been given a reason why it happened in the first place yet are told it may not happen again......... well what if it does, but what if it doesn't and I pray everyday that it doesn't.

 

Our First Scan

We have one perfect Bean on board with a heartbeat of just over 120 so I think Boy lol.  I have to stay on progesterone till 12w not 10 which is good. 

 

My FS has a bit of a concern about how we lost the baby last time as the only thing that shows is a UTI which means now I am on regular pee tests which is fine with me.  She also voiced her opinion that I should give up work, we sat and had a good chat about it and we totally understand what she is saying but we want to make it to 12w before we start thinking about that.  Man I would be ready to give up tomorrow lol, but the best thing is I think she has made DH really think about it and at this stage it probably be about July that I stop.  She just explained how important this PG is and as my waters broke for no reason at all last time that we could afford to risk anything.  She is willing to write anything in a letter to my employer about my duties, so she told us to go away and write one and she will type it up and sign it.

 

My FS is keeping me in her care up until I see my OBS with another scan booked for the 5th May and then she will sign me over and classify me as a possible high risk pg.

 

So now we take every day as it comes but for today we are absolutely beaming!

 

Thanks so much everyone again for your support and love.

 

6 Weeks

 

We’re 6 weeks today and only 5 more days till our scan.  Yes we have had another scare 2 days after our last one so off for more bloods and Beta came back at 11000.  So in 2 days it had gone from 4906 to 11000 and everyone was happy, well nearly everyone…….. to see brown stuff still coming out of you freaks me out everytime and we have been told as long as we are on the pessaries its probably going to keep happening.  Apparently I can come off the pessaries at 10 weeks but 12 weeks sounds better to me.  Its just doing my head in and I thought the 2ww was bad enough.

 

I have been getting heaps of stretching pains at night and am still a little scared to go to the loo, but I guess I am going to have to get to a point where I have to try and trust in my body.  In saying that though I know until we get past our 2^nd trimester I won’t be able to relax, I mean how can I knowing what happened last time, 14w 5d and my waters went pop.  My FS seems to think that part of it maybe could have been cause by a UTI so I already have myself on Cranberry juice and will try and manage one glass a day as bitter as it is and when I see my FS on Friday I am going to ask her if there is anything else I can take to prevent it.

 

So our little one I know you have snuggled deep because I have had the pains and blood tests to prove it.  This has been a different pregnancy to you Angel sister Chloe, less peeing, more stretching and more gunk coming out of me.  Your dad thinks there are 2 of you but mummy thinks its just one strong one who we are hoping we get to see in 7 ½ months time.

 

Thankyou so much for all your messages and support over the past couple of weeks and all the lurkers welcome.

Scare and 3rd Beta

Sorry I haven’t updated but I have been working all weekend and then yesterday I woke up to find when I wiped that there was red blood.  As you could imagine I was stunned for a few minutes and then phoned my nurse.  She got me to have another pessary and then come straight in.  I rung hubby and he met me there. 

 

All the way there I just kept thinking why give this to me if your going to take it away from me,  its almost like I am stoping myself from getting excited in case I lose it.

So we arrived and my nurse said it could be my body is just trying to have AF, called me a difficult child and then took my blood.  She said she would call me about 1.30 and by 3 I was nearly hyperventilating!!!

 

So after my nurse had to have a fight with the path lab, the bloods came back at 4906 at 5w 1d and might I just say OH WOW!  This is a strong little one and I am so happy its snuggled in.  I am having another BT on Thursday just for peace of mind for myself and that if I hadn’t had the bleed she would of told me not to come back.

 

Well woke up this morning and yep there was that red colour again and to be honest the only thing I can put it down to is that the progesterone pessaries are irritating me and making me bleed.  Luckily my FS rung this morning and she told me that is very common for early pg bleeds and not to stress to much.  I mentioned the pessaries and the irritation and she said it could be the reason as we increased them both nights before the bleed but I have to stay on them.

 

Will update you on Thursdays results.

Some More News

I had my second Beta today and it came back at………… 986 so it’s more than tripled and we are rapped!  Got to speak to my FS today as she said they are very happy with the numbers but just wants to keep an eye on my progesterone so I will have a BT once a week until my scan on the 18^th April. 

Our Bub is due the 7^th December one day after my Dad’s 60^th! 

Honestly I still can’t believe it but its slowly hitting home cause I am feeling every niggling pain that I get, then I’m off to the loo to check.  I know I know its only just begun. 

Thankyou to everyone that commented on my Blog it’s absolutely flattering, I didn’t realise I had so many lurkers.

Some News!!

I am Pregnant!!!  Beta came back at 260.  Early days still but after 11 transfers we are

sooooooooooooooooo happy.

Cargo on Board

We made it!!  We have 2 Blasts on board as from today, which means 2 out of our 6 embies made it to day 5.  The sad thing is knowing we lost 4 of our bubs but as our FS said they would of never survived anyway.  If this cycle doesn’t work then she will pull out our last remaining 8 and grow them to day 5.

  I just want to get so excited but I know better but I think its because it’s a different way of trying things.

  I have just been transferred to a new work place and was explaining it all to a couple of the girls there and they were amazed on what us IVFers go through.  Two of them told me I am an incredibly strong person and its not the first time I have heard this, but you know what I don’t know if I am a strong person but I have to act that way to get through everyday life.  Yes we have now been through 11 transfers, a loss of a baby and continual failed cycles, but if I don’t put this very thick wall up then I would been in a padded cell a long time ago with never to be released on the door! 

  So Beta is the 31^st March.

#11

AF arrived today....... YAY!!  Today makes it day one of our 11th IVF Transfer and I tell ya I am feeling like the Nanna of IVF'ers lol.   Monday I start Proganova 2 tablets a day and then we are booked in for my scan on the 13th March to check hopefully my juicey lining.  We pray that one out of the 6 embies that are being taken to blast survive but if we get more then that is a total blessing.  One of the good things that has come out of this cycle is that we have beaten the price rise that happens the 30th March.

I want to get a slight bit excited about this due to having a new FS and a new proticole, but you know after all this time you just don't do it because that big IVF toad is waiting to slap you right out of it.   You know what, we just want a break and after 6 yrs of TTCing #1, 4 yrs of IVF and a loss of our angel I think we deserve it pretty soon.

 Wish us luck guys.

FS Appointment

Had my appointment with my FS today, all went well. My glucose, thyroid
tests came back fine although spewing about the thyroid then I could blame
it on my weight lol. Also my testosterone was elevated slightly but I only
have PCO not PCOS and can stop taking metformin which I have been on for 5
yrs now.

So now the deal is we wait for AF to arrive, I will go on proganova twice a
day and the reason for not doing another natural is due to us doing our
first blast cycle. My FS wants to monitor my first cycle with her plus my O
ing was out this month by 11 days than normal which depressed me as it took
so long to get it to day 15 from day 35. She will do all my scans so she
can see what's happening as my last Dr got my nurse to do it or the clinic.
They will take 6 embies to blast if none survive then she said we may skip
the rest of the 8 embies left and go for a fresh with PGD.

That's it for now, hopefully af will be here end of next week and we'll get
started.

Shazz.

Happy 2nd Birthday Our Angel

     

To a very Special Daughter 

We wish you weren’t

So far away

Then we could help

Celebrate your Birthday 

 Although we can’t be with you

On your special day

You’re in our hearts our Angel

In a very special way 

Happy 2^nd Birthday Chloe

All our Love

Mummy & Daddy.

xx

Appointment with new FS

 Had my appointment with my new Fertility spec. today.  First of all we were shown our embies gradings on her screen and we have 5 grade ones (best ones) 4 grade 2, 3 grade 3 and 2 other ones. She was a little dumb founded by no change in proticole 19 embies down the track and she also said how sad she was that we were still going 6yrs later and with the loss of a pg at 16w.  DH said she had a bit of a tear in the eye when he told her about the pg and that was going to be our only child and we were never going back for a second child.

  She has taken me off metformin for now as she feels that because my PCOS was never investigated properly such as the glucose test etc only BT & ultrasound also I had been on it for 5 yrs that I may not even need it.  She actually thinks I may only have PCO not the PCOS.  I am to have the glucose test on either the 14th or 15th Feb...... go on tell me its not a nice test, what could be if it goes for 2 hrs lol.

  My old FS hadn't released my records yet so she was flying a bit blind with the whole think but asked so many questions.  First of all about genetic testing of both DH & I which honestly I couldn't remember if we did or not. 

  So she has decided to take our embies to blast (grow to day 5) instead of day 2 and explained Melb IVF doesn't really do it only on extreme occasions like us as they find couples lose to many embies and there is still no proof one out ways the other.  They will pull out 6 and take it from there but this won't be done until after my appointment on the 18th Feb so she has time to read my notes.  Now if all the embies die during the defrosting for blast then we will do a fresh cycle and probably go to PGD (genetic testing of the embies)She also said if anything comes up in my notes in the mean time she will give me a ring, which I nearly fell off the chair as my last one never contacted patients, she will also do my scans. 

  We were then asked about both my PG's and more so the last one and what tests were done on the baby more so genetic tests.  She has a slight suspicion that my waters broke due to the urinary tract infection or it might of contributed but if I do fall pg she said its more than likely she will monitor me through it all.  She then went into our feelings of losing the baby and the ttcing for 6 yrs etc  But she does seem to think we can fall pg again and more so with one of the frozen 14 we have sitting there because to how good they are.

  I have to say I left feeling more informed and alittle more hopeful than I ever did with my last Dr which is scary considering this is my 4th yr of IVF and 10 transfers later.  We also spoke to her about when enough is enough which she admitted it one of the hardest things any Dr has to tell their patients but totally understands where we are coming from and agreed to it.

Another Anniversary

Another sad anniversary has arrived.  It was 2 yrs today that my waters broke and our world came crashing down.     After 12 weeks you tend to think thank goodness I made it, but you know what….. never let your guard down and unfortunately once you have had a loss how the hell can you ever enjoy your pregnancy again. 

I will never forget the day I felt my waters pop and being 14w 5d your not suppose to feel them.  We are so lucky we got to spend nearly 2 weeks with her before I was induced, but I didn’t want to let her go knowing right up until I had her she was still alive.Still to this day I sleep with her little bed she was presented to us in next to my bed, it also has her little hat on the bed.  I can’t let go of her and you know what I never will, how can I she is my daughter and my first born.  We tried 3 ½ yrs to have her and the money for IVF doesn’t even come into it because how can you put a price on a life.  But 6 yrs now and we are still hoping and praying for our miracle.Its amazing how you can miss something you never really got to know, how you can miss a pregnancy, miss being called something you never got to hear….mummy.  But most of all I just miss my daughter Chloe Jade.   

On Tuesday we have our first appointment with our new IVF Dr and I so can’t wait, its almost making me feel those feelings that I felt when we were having our very first appointment 4 yrs ago.  Holy crap 4 friggin years ago, boy doesn’t time fly when your not having fun.  Four years of pills, injections, inserting things, things being inserted, blood tests, timing, crying, screaming, yelling and to a certain point……. Being over it.  So heres hoping she changes a lot of things and gives us just that little glimmer of hope that both DH & I need.  I mean how can we fall pg and it be cruel enough that it never happens again. 

I got away with it!!

Oh it has been a while hasn’t it.

 Last night will go down in history as the first time I have got away with a lie and my husband not being able to tell!!  I am such a bad liar and he knows it, he can tell just by my face when I am fibbing lol. 

Back in October I had planned to throw him a 40^th Birthday on the 26^th January 2008 (His Birthday 24^th).  I organised the invites etc then only for him to tell me he no longer wanted it!!  So I didn’t think anything about it until he started mentioning things about his 40^th and were we just going to have a BBQ or something, so again I started to think and yet again he changed his mind and this went on right up until a week ago.  I decided I was going to be blamed for not organising anything so behind his back in one week I organised about 20 people, including his new boss and his wife whom I have never met but thank god for email, a surprised dinner at a restaurant.  DH thought it was just us two going out for dinner as I told him it was too late to get everyone together in a week and I had arranged it for the 9^th Feb.  Well we got there and was taken to our table and to his surprise there was everyone, with them singing happy Birthday to him.  I can’t tell you how much I was stressing all week that someone would blow it and I now can tell you how relived I am it’s all over and I will never organise a surprise party for anyone……….man its too stressful lmao!!

2008

 

Happy New Year Everyone!!  I hope you all had a safe one and there are not too many hangovers out there right now. Not only did I have to work today but good old Mother Nature has given me the ovulation pain from hell.  I swear my ovary is trying to pop out a chicken egg, either that or my reproductive system is stabbing me for a bit of fun. 

It’s only 28 days till we see our new FS and I so can’t wait, just to have a fresh outlook on things.  At first I was worried about changing but the other night I though stuff it I don’t owe him anything and even though we did get pg with him once I just think it was pure luck at the time.  So here’s hoping the new year brings some new changes.