Tagged

Well I have been Tagged twice, once by Meri-ann impatientpatient & the other by Kate The Infertility Times , so here goes!!

7 things I'd like to do before I die:

1. Have a healthy baby or two!!
2. To go back to Italy
3. Cry less
4. Perky Boobs
5. To be happy with myself
6. Travel to Hong Kong
7. Stay married to my soul mate forever - happily.

7 things that I can't do:

1. Keep the house clean
2. Spelling
3. Stand people sniffing
4. Let things go
5. Use a couple of dishes when cooking
6. Iron regularly
7. Lose weight

7 things that attracted me to my husband:

1. His love for me
2. He loves me the way I am
3. His Smile
4. The way he always comes through and never gives up
5. He's strength
6. His butt
7. His goals

7 books (or series of books) that I love:

Honestly I dont read books, unfortunatly I dont have the attention span!!

7 movies I'd watch over & over:

1. Pretty Woman
2. Beetle Guice
3. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
4. Wizard of Oz
5. Charlie and the Choc Factory
6. Any Jerry Lewis Movies
7. Independance Day

7 people I'd like to tag:

Not sure who reads my Blog reg but here goes.

1. annemarie come undone
2. mary ellen and steve Our IVF Journey
3. s Infertility SUCKS!
4. ilyse fertile or infertile
5. lisa Lis
6. Beagle Fortune Cookie Follies . . . . . . . . . May Luck be a Baby Tonight!
7. TiggleBitties Fertility, The new "F" word

OK, I've been Tagged, but I'm too tierd I'll do it tomorrow night lol.............so stay tuned!!

Floating

Well I'm floating at the moment and I can't explain what I mean by that either, its sort of like being in limbo. I supose to be holding my little girl in less than 4 weeks time but I know I wont be.
My head just keeps going around and around and its like it doesn't want to let anything out, getting fuller and fuller waiting for the almightly BANG. I really thought that I let it out the other night after my failed cycle but no it builds up yet again.
We are currently thinking of things to do for Chloe's due date, we have a few idea's but not a hundred percent on what to do. I know what I want to do and thats hold her for the rest of her life and never let her go. I am just so scared we will never have a child, that I will never experience pregnancy again and carry it to full term. There are so many emotions flying around and I can't put it into words, I really can't.
Can someone slow it down I want to get of for a while, just let me become a mummy, just once thats all I ask for.

Have you heard of “IVF Barbie”?

When Mattel were looking to design their new Barbie, IVF Barbie, they soon realized that there was not one universal Barbie that would accurately portray the spirit of IVF Barbie.
So they decided they would come out with a few variations thereof.

Newbie Barbie:
Newbie Barbie, also known as BabyDust Barbie is a bright, perky, Barbie, filled with optimism and confidence that IVF Will Work. She is thinner and usually younger than the other IVF Barbies. Her accessories include rose-tinted spectacles, a positive bank balance, healthy insurance coverage and a million questions. Newbie Barbie has lots of other Newbie Barbie friends and they congratulate each other on a job well done. This Barbie only says pleasant, optimistic things and believes that Attitude is Everything. Their motto is Think Positive!!

Pregnant Newbie Barbie:
Pregnant Newbie Barbie is the big sister to Newbie Barbie. She is still slim, now with a cute belly. She is proof that IVF Does Work, usually the first time. She also comes with rose-tinted spectacles, a positive bank balance (only very slightly depleted) and total confidence that All Will Be OK. She glows when pregnant and liberally uses baby dust (a glitter-like tub of ground up positive attitude that apparently has the power of hocus pocus to make one pregnant) when playing with her sisters, the Newbie Barbies. She comes with Very Cute maternity clothes, a double stroller, and a fully decorated nursery even though she is only just a few weeks pregnant. Her motto is ‘See! Thinking Positive
Works!!’. Newbie Barbie and Pregnant Newbie Barbies are great playmates and you can collect them as a set.

Joiner Barbie:
Joiner Barbie is cousin to Newbie Barbie and Pregnant Newbie Barbie. Joiner Barbie comes with a group of friends just like her, and this group calls themselves by the name of a furry animal or has reference to a season. Think Spring Blossoms or Bubbly Bunnies. Accessories include a chart or table of some sorts, lots of smiley faces, baby dust, declarations of eternal friendship and love and lots of ((((hugs)))).

Veteran Barbie:
Veteran Barbies are not at all related to the Barbies above. Veteran Barbies are the Anti-Barbie. They are a whole lot plumper than the Newbie Barbies, less perky (in boobs and attitude), have greyer hair, a largely negative and over-drawn bank balance, plenty of bruises and marks and a slightly cynical attitude. They are dressed in comfy track pants with elasticated waistbands. Their accessories include a wealth of knowledge ofreproductive procedures and protocol, the ability to practically do their own cycle, a snarky attitude, little tolerance for stupidity, a well defined sense of humour, the ability to laugh at themselves, a fondness for wine/beer/crack and an aversion to pineapple, baby
dust and Newbie Barbies. This aversion in its more severe form can be allergic and acerbic. Veteran Barbies tend to swear quite a bit (especially when playing in the Barbie House with Newbie Barbies and Pregnant Newbie Barbies) and parental guidance is advised.

Pregnant Veteran Barbie:
Very similar to Veteran Barbie, only now with an added dose of neuroses and paranoia. Continuously and obsessively over-analyses every twinge, convinced that the end is nigh. Only buys stroller and decorates nursery when in eighth month. Accessories include disbelief and a sense of not quite belonging, and 10 home pregnancy tests just in case the first one was faulty or the clinic made a mistake with her beta. Pregnant Veteran Barbie shave been known to pee on the sticks up until the day before giving birth just to see the two lines.

Celebrity IVF Barbie:
Celeb Barbie comes in two versions: Denial Celeb Barbie and Out the Closet IVF
Barbie. Denial Celeb Barbie does not play with the other Barbies and pretends not to be an IVF Barbie at all. She drops the IVF part of her name and thinks 'Donor Eggs' is a swear word. She pretends that her twins at age 49 are Natural and she did it all On Her Own. She also claims her boobs are her own and that she has never had a facelift, hence her credibility is not at an all time high. Out the Closet IVF Barbie is the preferred Barbie. We like her.

IVF Ken:
Ken is a wanker. Sorry to sound so harsh, but besides being a wanker there is very little that Ken does in IVF land. Sometimes Ken administers shots, hands out tissues and occasionally accompanies the Barbies to their Dr’s visits (normally during the first few cycles only), but mostly he is just a wanker. If you choose an IVF Ken, then try and get one that also cooks or does DIY. Otherwise just sit him down in front of your Barbie TV and let him know when it is time for him to do his, um, contribution. Mostly the Barbies love their Kens, unless Ken is being particularly insensitive or obnoxious, then he becomes a wanker in all senses of the word. Some IVF Barbies don’t even have a Ken and they do
just fine. If you do find a good Ken, hang on to him, don’t swap him with your other friends.

Specialist Ken:
Specialist Ken is the all knowing, all seeing Ken. He might be a wanker, or not, but here we are talking about being a wanker in the figurative sense. He could also be very nice. He may call you by your first name but you may only call him Doctor. His accessories are many and wonderful. He comes with a zooty new car (normally very expensive), a smart house, a very healthy bank balance and a holiday home or two. Specialist Ken knows every thing and is considered second only to God. Some Specialist Kens are kind, some are not. They are all rich. Ken’s office is filled with fun toys like ultra sound machines, dildo like probes, waiting rooms filled with the different types of Barbies (some annoyingly come with miniature Barbies or Kens en tow), medicines, procedures rooms etc. Specialist Ken also comes with a free Nurse (Ratchet) Barbie, who will not return your calls, will hand out annoying platitudes and generally add to your frustration levels. When
purchasing Specialist Ken you will get Ultrasound Ken and Blood Drawer Ken.
Unfortunately they come as a package deal and you are not able to get Specialist Ken without them, they aren’t as much fun. However, you will need a Specialist Ken if you are going to play the IVF Barbie game.

Mattel foresee a big demand for these Barbies and say that for extra fun and lively interaction, collect the full set of IVF Barbies, put them in the Barbie house together and see the sparks fly. http://tertia.typepad.com/so_close/2004/05/ivf_barbie.html

So which one are you???

I cry for you by night,
i cry for you by day,
the pain in my broken heart,
will never fade away,
you brought a smile to my face,
the moment you were conceived
but life was taken away from you
a gift we did not recieve
but your memories will live on
by day and by night
a tear i will always shed for you
knowing you put up a fight
your in Gods care now an Angel you have become
i just hope one day though
my darling Sharon will become a mum.

Your Loving Father.

My Hubby

I just wanted to say how much I love my hubby, if you want to see why then read my blog replies from the 20th June. He goes through so much with all this IVF and I have to say it takes a special man to do all this. He goes through fits of crying, bad moods more crying and did I mention crying. He is always thinking of me, trying to make it right and I know he hurts as much as I do. Alot of the time men are so forgotten through all this shiyte and I just want to say......My Babe, I LOVE YOU LOTS!!

The End

Well I keep asking myself every single time "what have I done so wrong in life"!! I woke up this morning and there was af not full force but a little and enough to make me burst into tears. DH told me to go back to bed and he just cuddled me, there was no way I could go to work, so I just sat on the couch all day and went in and out of tears.
I so wanted this and I didn't feel like af was coming at all. I feel like another piece of Chloe has gone and its never coming back......the pain I can't describe and my head just feels like its about to drop off.

I have a feeling that there won't be too many more IVF cycles due to the money situation.....lack of it and I cant see it getting any better in the near future, unfortunatly we just have to many commitments!!

Angels

Angels are amongst us
Angels all around
If we quiet our minds, and open our hearts
We will hear their heavenly sound

-Maria Schembri

Friends

Not much to report today......thank goodness. You know I am just thankful that I have so many supportive online friends and would be truely lost without them all. They seem to understand more what I am going through and only the occational one has done a runner on me since loosing Chloe, but you know what I dont care, because its the ones that hang around and listen to me winge and I love you all lots!!!

Worried

I am so worried right now, its day 10 since my transfer and today is the first day my tummy has felt heavy and weird. I just feel sick to the stomach thinking about it and I hate feeling like this. I wish there was a pill you could take to make you sleep for 2 weeks so I wouldn't makes every pain or twitch out of something when it could be nothing.
I can't believe out of 7 transfers I still can't handle this or get use to it, but do you ever!!! I so just want to cry right now because I know that af is on her way but I really have nothing to cry over right now (if that makes sence). I feel like my heart has broken before it even happens.

For A Good Friend!!

Give yourself some distance...........

Many of the things that get to you are not worth the energy and the trouble that you invest in them. Do yourself a favor, and give yourself some distance from them.

Break the pattern of automatically reacting in the same way, time after time, to all the minor disturbances that come along. Sometimes, the best response is no response at all.

Seek to rise above the petty dramas that don't do anyone any good. Keep in mind that where you put your awareness and your attention is where your life will go.

There are so many beautiful, positive outlets for your energy. Every day is full of possibilities for building, creating, loving, learning and growing.
Certainly there will always be difficulties in life that must be addressed and attended to. Yet there is no reason to make for yourself any needless difficulties of confrontations.

A sign of true strength is the willingness to completely let go of the things that don't really matter. Choose to exercise that strength, and keep life focused in a positive, meaningful direction.

-- Ralph Marston

Tierd and scared

Just realised I haven't updated for a while thought I'd better let you know whats going on.
I'm entering the second week of the 2ww and am shitting myself, I can always handle the first week but am a mess the second. This is the week I could be employed as a toilet paper tester as that where I will spend most of my time, every pain, niggle feeling down below I will be off to the toilet. It is day 7 today and I am already feeling crampy, the heavy feeling. As this is my first natural FET I am relying on my body to do the right thing by me and not let AF arrive early. Even when I have been on the meds AF hasn't shown till day 10 so please take me further.
I don't know what it is but I am so tierd and not just physically, mentally again I am so struggling to get up in the mornings, my brain feels all over the place sometimes and I just want to rest. Of course IVF is not helping, especially being the first transfer since the loss of Chloe. I am not expecting alot from this cycle, I never do with FET's and I'm not sure because I have been doing this for so long or what but I think deep down inside there is a part of you that knows. Your told be positive, don't give up, dont be so negative but how can I not be we have been doing this for over 2 yrs now and its just so dam tiering and heart breaking to all concern......it can be a cruel process!!

I am just so scared that we are not going to be blessed again, I dont know if I could handle being childless, its something I have never thought about and really don't want to either.

We made it

I should be so use to the feeling of walking upto the counter at Melb IVF to collect my slip and then take a seat and wait for your name to be called, but I still get so damm nervous and end up having to have a pee lol. My Dr called my name and mum & I walked in to be told that we had 2 embrio's, I was so relieved and happy and even better knowing that we still have one on ice. I can't believe it's the first 2 they pulled out and they survived.
The next step was to get in that dreaded chair and open wide!! They put our 2 embies up on the screen and mum was amazed to look at them, then before you knew it they were inside of me and it was over. All as I wanted to do was get home and lie down lol.
I never thought that I would have to go through all this again or if I did it would be for our second child, although by rights this is our second child but I think you get the drift. It just felt so weird with not having Hubby there, he's normally there for all procedures but not this one.
I'm feeling a bit lost I guess whether it was to soon to have transfer after our loss in Feb and ~Chloe's~ due date being so close, but is it ever going to be the right time and I don't know if this makes sence but I think having ~Chloe's~ little bro or sis inside me makes me feel that bit closer to her again. I just so miss her and guess always will, but was so glad my mum was with me today!

Made it to Transfer

I can't believe it we got a call today and looks like my embies have survived thaw and I go in for transfer tomorrow morning. I am nervous, scares, happy and every other bloody feeling!!! Will let you know tomorrow how I go.
Thankyou ~Chloe~ xxx

One more sleep

I am so nervous about tomorrow. Its the day I find out if my embrio's have survived the thaw and if we go ahead with transfer. The worrying never stops no matter what stage your up to. Please I just want it to go smoothly, I have never had a cancelled cycle before and don't know how I will cope with it especially with hubby away right now. I just hope my bubby Angel is watch over her mummy right now cause I need you.
I just can't explain how I'm feeling right now, my gut is churning, head spinning and so, so tierd.

Pants sweety I heard you got 11 eggs today.....well done girl and here's to a BFP!!! Hope you not to uncomfy.

Jessica, thinking of you and hubby and I know our Angels are creating havoc upstairs.

Starting to come together

I rung my nurse first thing this morning and if the embies survive thaw I will be going for transfer on Thurs!! It could of been Wed but they want to do a 3 day thaw. She was rapped that we are going for a natural cycle as like me we didn't want to do a Artificial. I defanatly am O'ing (day 22) as the pain in the left ovary hit last night and that where the biggest follie was on the scan, almost had to go for the panadol but held off lol.
Nath actually said to me last night that we're really going to have to start saving and the house will go on the market sooner than we planed if I become pg again. When I asked why, he said because I want you to give up work yours and the babies health come first.......firstly I nearly fell of the couch because he wanted me to work for the first couple of months and secondly its so good to see him finally thinking a head and knowing he wants to keep going with ivf.
So thaw dust, prayers, thoughts etc need for this week girls and again thankyou for all your support this is probably going to be the hardest cycle that we will go through, since losing Chloe but I would be lost without all of you.

Not Happy

Little depressed today, probably because I've had a big week at work and just tierd. Its only 7 weeks till my little Angels due date and its getting harder knowing that I wont be holder her in my arms....ever. Yes I know everyone says she is watching over me, but I would prefer to be watching over her.....for the rest of her life!!

On the IVF front not alot is happening, I still haven't ovulated so it looks like this FET cycle could be switched to a medicated one and I really don't want to do it. After 3 medicated FET's I just wanted to try a fresh one but looks like the bloody PCOS isn't go to let it happen. Why can nothing just work. If our 7th transfer doesn't work I know that we are going to have to wait for a while to save up the money for a fresh cycle and with me turning 36 next yr its just geting scarier that I will never be given the chance of falling pregnant again and if so keeping it.