It just keeps coming

Day 26, Cycle cancelled by me, possible missed O'ing as there were no follies at my scan yesterday....... ...World can go screw itself!!

???

I'm just so friggin tierd!!!  Everyone around this world is pregnant or pregnant again, I am sick of being left behind, I just dont' know what I have to do to prove myself anymore cause I can't!!

Day 20 still no ovulation, I'm sure FET will be cancelled!

Does it Ever Stop!

Well as some of you might have noticed I have been MIA for the past couple of days.  I have been doing pee tests for Ovulation for over a week now and nothing.  My nurse has now resorted to blood tests, my first one showed something happening and my one on Thurs showed that my body is up shit creek without a paddle .  I think its called a P4 test but it shows that ovulation wise not much is happening but my progesterone is going high and after 2 doctors and my nurse looking at the results they cant explain it and said its very abnormal.  My RE is away at a conference and will be back Monday but his offsider ordered another BT for me Sat morning as she can't work it out.  So I rung Sat afternoon and the bloods had taken the long route to the path lab and wouldn’t be back, so I have to ring at 10.10 today see what’s happening to.  When my nurse rung me Fri she told me the results I asked her what’s the next step and she said cancellation!!   I have never had a cancelled cycle before which I think is what I'm in shock with..... Maybe I should of gone for the medicated cycle, as if this cycle is cancelled then it looks like its all off till next yr.DH bought me a bottle of wine Fri night,  I was that tierd from work, had only one glass he had to put me to bed and I lost it big time as we also had the discussion of home much longer we can afford to keep going.  We have my step kids around too and I think just watching them and listening to them talk to DH about when they were kids etc it bought me right done. Maybe reality is starting to kick in, maybe its time that we have to start thinking about it……STOPPING!  I'm tierd and now DH is wanting me to go see a Dr as thinks depression is starting to set in.  I just need to get through Christmas without my little girl and I'll be right I think this is where its all stemming from….well that’s my excuss.

 Update

I rung Melb IVF this morning and as soon as I said my name the nurse said 'oh I was only looking at your results first thing' , out of all the nurse working she had already read it and was trying to sort out what the hell is going on.  There's still no explanation but she did say that my progesterone wasn't majorly high  but was high enough to bring concern onto what was happening as there was still no serge for ovulation.  But she did say I could be one of those people who just have high progesterone level and cause I have never had blood tests for it before this will be the first time to be picked up and also as I didn't O until day 21 last time and it is only day 18 when my last bloods were taken.  So she wanted to ring my RE as he is back from conference and see what he had to say, he has ordered fresh bloods and a scan for first thing in the morning and will take it from there. So still no brighter on what's happening so tomorrow will bring yet more news and I think I know what that will be and I am coming to terms with it.

Things might be Happening

Well this may not seem much to some but I did my pee test being day 12 this morning and guess who got a slight ovulation line !!  Which means for the first time in along time my body is doing what it's suppose to be and may O on day 14.  For someone that has PCOS and knows she hardly O's this is a happy dance moment for me and even better knowing that transfer may possibly be this week!! 

Would be better if the old tubes weren't crushed or we could really make use of it lol.

My Scan 10 Nov 06

Went for my scan today and I think some good news for a change lol. My
lining is 6mm so still a little low but to our surprise including my nurses,
I have a few follies with one being 14mm!! We only have my last natural
FET to go off and comparing it this cycle is miles ahead with no follies
last time, no lining and O'ing on day 21.

I go back on Tuesday (which is a yr exactly that I found out I was pg) for
another scan and in the mean time I have my ovulation tests which I start
tomorrow and if we have lift off over the weekend I am to ring Melb IVF.
She also commented that my ovaries are still swollen but looking ok.

I'm just in shock cause my ovaries had follies on them LMAO!!

9th Nov 2006

I have been down for a few days now, think my body is tierd and I know my heart and soul is.  Last night I actually slept with my Angels little bed that the hospital gave us when we left, she was presented to us in it.  I am missing her and I think even more so now that Christmas is coming and I see all the mum’s buying pressies.  Last night I bought a Angel for Chloe, it’s beautiful and its for her at Christmas time and every year after.  If you want to have a look http://www.october15th.wahmweb.biz/store/WsDefault.asp?One=151  Tomorrow I go for a scan to check my lining, I so hope that it is all ok cause I really don’t want to do a artificial FET.  If my lining is not happening they are going to change me to the drugs instead of staying natural.  And with any luck I should have 2 little frostie bubs inside me within the next 2 weeks.

Bad Night

Not sure what it is but something has just hit me bigtime.  Not sure if it was cause I was watching a medical show on tv of premmie IVF twins or whether it was because there is a girl at work possibly facing the infertility train or a built up of every dam thing.

I am shit scared that I will never have children and I'm not kidding here either....... what if I can't have my own child, how am I going to deal with this and cope with it for the rest of my life.  I am always going to feel an emptiness that has never been  filled as my DH already has 2 children and I dont feel he will have the same void.   Honestly the thought scares the hell out of me and hurts so much.  I just want to curl up in a ball, to be left alone or maybe I just want someone to tell me that it all will be ok and I will wake up from all this shit, but I know its not going to happen.  

I like to think I don't ask for much in life, but begining to think that maybe I have asked to much somewhere along the line even more so to have your daughter taken away from you after years and painful procedures......... she is all I wanted but am hoping I can give her a brother or sister.

 I better go to bed or I am going to end up hysterical and saying alot more dumb things.

How can you come to grips with something you crave more than life itself.

Hugs to You All

I just wanted to thank all my Blog friends for your lovely comments and support with my news of failed cycle number 8.  I’m so mentally tired right now that I think I could sleep for 2 weeks or so.I want to thank my Darling Hubby for being there yesterday even though he wasn’t well himself.  I know he was upset about it too, but is always there looking after me first and I Love him so much for it. Where to from here…….there will be other cycles as we have 17 frostie bubbies and I will give everyone of them a chance at life, but WHEN…….. not sure yet.