Bad Night
Not sure what it is but something has just hit me bigtime. Not sure if it was cause I was watching a medical show on tv of premmie IVF twins or whether it was because there is a girl at work possibly facing the infertility train or a built up of every dam thing.
I am shit scared that I will never have children and I'm not kidding here either....... what if I can't have my own child, how am I going to deal with this and cope with it for the rest of my life. I am always going to feel an emptiness that has never been filled as my DH already has 2 children and I dont feel he will have the same void. Honestly the thought scares the hell out of me and hurts so much. I just want to curl up in a ball, to be left alone or maybe I just want someone to tell me that it all will be ok and I will wake up from all this shit, but I know its not going to happen.
I like to think I don't ask for much in life, but begining to think that maybe I have asked to much somewhere along the line even more so to have your daughter taken away from you after years and painful procedures......... she is all I wanted but am hoping I can give her a brother or sister.
I better go to bed or I am going to end up hysterical and saying alot more dumb things.
How can you come to grips with something you crave more than life itself.
I am shit scared that I will never have children and I'm not kidding here either....... what if I can't have my own child, how am I going to deal with this and cope with it for the rest of my life. I am always going to feel an emptiness that has never been filled as my DH already has 2 children and I dont feel he will have the same void. Honestly the thought scares the hell out of me and hurts so much. I just want to curl up in a ball, to be left alone or maybe I just want someone to tell me that it all will be ok and I will wake up from all this shit, but I know its not going to happen.
I like to think I don't ask for much in life, but begining to think that maybe I have asked to much somewhere along the line even more so to have your daughter taken away from you after years and painful procedures......... she is all I wanted but am hoping I can give her a brother or sister.
I better go to bed or I am going to end up hysterical and saying alot more dumb things.
How can you come to grips with something you crave more than life itself.
Labels: Archives
posted by LiL Moo & Mee at
November 03, 2006
7 Comments:
Sending you a big hug... I was in 'that' place a few years back and I understand how hopeless it feels. I have nothing that I can say that would help, just know that I am thinking about you.
Take care
I have bad nights like these too. It's like being hit by a brick on your head and not even knowing it was coming. It's a realization, it's a fear, it's a feeling of hopelessness. It's putting all your energy, hopes and aspiration in something you just see crushed in front of you, as if it meant nothing. You just want to disappear and not face the fact. It scares me terribly. It's all I ever wanted and there's a possiblity of it never happening. But at the end, we'll survive. Even if our hopes are beaten and trampled upon, we just have to continue to hang on to that small piece of hope. Hang in there. Things should get better. Take care.
Hugs sweetie xx Don't you give up yet! I know you are not confident with FET's..but there are still 17 embies...praying for you that a few of these take and you'll have a very busy little family very soon...love ya xx
I wish I had an answer babe x
Shazz, i don't have answers...i have had those thoughts too. They consume us and take over our lives...my only suggestion is to just feel whatever pain you're feeling. Let the bad days happen, and one day you will wake up stronger. I promise.
I am going through the same thing as you at the moment.. I find having a plan helps other than that it is one day at a time.
Hi Shazz.. it is a scary place to be - and as you say the reality of what may be is crushing in every way. Again no words of advice... because I know there is nothing that can comfort the pain and fear you are feeling. One step. One step.
Lisa
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