Expecting the Unexpected - IVF/Preemie/Toddler (Formally Baby Quest)

Bitsa post

2010-05-25T18:16:00.000+10:00

Do you ever just feel tired and it's not the I need sleep tired, you just tired. Well that's how I'm feeling right now and the answers when I tell people are you just need to go to bed early. I'm wondering if it's just that time of year as my skin has also gone very dry, my nails are all spliting and my hair has gone like straw. You really wouldn't think that autumn would do that more so summer but I guess our bodies just go through so much during summer it has to fall in a heap sometimes. Well jsut thought I would share that with you lol.

The little man went to playgroup today and for the majority of it he open and closed cupboard doors! I'm told it's normal for his age but I am scratching my head as to what the fun of it is, especially when they jam fingers then go back for more. I'm going to ask him when his older but I'm sure he will look at me like an idiot lmao. He also did some drawing although I call it dot to dot as he hasn't quiet mastered how to hold the crayons, but it's his first picture up on the fridge.....awwwwwwwwwwwww hee hee.

My friend goes for her beta in a couple of days so fingers crossed guys!!

Sorry it's pretty non eventful post today my brain left me about 2 hours ago when my son still hadn't had his sleep lol, hoping it returs tomorrow!

What's been happening??

2010-05-22T23:52:00.000+10:00

I have been MIA from mmy Blog for a while which I explained in my last post....so whats been happening in that time.....

Well we thought for some silly reason that we were pregnant as I was over 2 weeks late. I have PCOS so my cycles were all over the place but since loosing weight (17kg or 37lb), they started to become regular but for some reason this one went on vacation for a while. I have no idea why I would even think I could fall pg naturally, there would be more chance of it raining money before that happened. It actually hit me a little bit to the point I said to hubby it felt like a BFN from a IVF cycle and they hurt. I don't think it's helping that I am so craving another child and just don't think it's going to happen, I think its being pushed into please don't ask me because I don't want to say no to you as I know all the crying etc your going to go through pile. So I think I'm not asking him so I don't have to start the grieving process iykwim.

My baby boy started normal playgroup. He has been attending premmie playgroup once a month but since the fires here there was no where I could take him and now the school has been rebuilt they are catering for playgroup. So every Tuesday morning he goes. Last week was his first day and I think he was a little overwhelmed at all the other little people around. It took him a bit of time to relax and walk around himself but still being under 2 there's not really alot they can do for themselves yet and all he wanted to do was open and close doors. I am still trying to work out what that fasination is no matter how many times the fingers are jammed!!

And talking about my baby boy I can't believe he is 21m or 17 1/2m corrected.....where the heck did that time go, I mean its only just feels like we just got him home from his 153 days in NICU. The terrible 2's have started and I have sussed him out now and know when to just ignore it or put a stop to it. My favorite thing is the tantrums on the floor, I have nearly wet myself laughing several times.

This is him playing on the bifold doors, he's inside and I'm out....he wasn't happy lol. I just love him to death and am so glad he was sent to me.

As I mentioned I have lost more weight and I am the happiest I have been in along time. I am wearing nearly 3 sizes smaller than what I was on the bottom and 3 szs smaller on the top. I am a little disappointed with this winters fashion as it seems like the clothes are meant to be non fitting and baggy and when you have been wearing clothes like that for most of your life to hide the fat, the last thing you want is not to be able to show off what you have lost. And in saying that this season fashion sux bigtime!! One thing I got very exciting about though is I finally could fit into knee high boots of the shelf instead of having to find and pay through the nose for big calved ones!! Only a big calved woman can understand how that would feel.

Finally this area is starting to get some colour back after the bushfires.

I love this time of year and this was one of the reasons we moved up here. The whole town use to have these beautiful Autuum colours. They are very slowely returning but it won't ever be seen the same again in my life time but I know it will return.

So that's about it for now, if I think of anything else I missed which knowing me I will off, I will post tomorrow.

Welcome to ICLW May

2010-05-21T22:28:00.000+10:00

Hi and Welcome to my Blog. Sorry I have been MIA for a while as I have been helping a friend do up her forum I am part of admin on. Also my baby boy is getting older by the second and I'm not coping knowing he is going to be 2 soon and has started playgroup.
So here is a little about me and I look forward to reading about you :-)

A little about me is I am 39 and live in Australia, infact in one of the Black Saturday Bushfire effected area's. Married to a special man and I say that because he puts up with me lol. I also have a beautiful son whom survived being born at 25w.

I am infertile, I have PCOS and crushed tubes from scar tissue that has grown around my tubes thanks to a Dr that misdiagnosed my burst appendix when I was 16, so when we started trying to have children in my early 30's we had no idea why I couldn't conceive. After a laperoscopy where they knicked my bowel so 6 days in hospital and a month off work it was found I needed IVF and would never conceive naturally. My FS (fertility spec) told me he couldn't see why we couldn't conceive almost straight away. First cycle a BFN, 2nd empty sac but readings kept rising, D&C at 7w on our first wedding anniversary. Third, 4th & 5th all BFN, 6th BFP waters broke at 14w 5d, induced at 16w 2d gave birth to our beautiful girl ~Chloe~. Seventh, 8th, 9th & 10th BFN and after that we changed FS to someome that would do something different and listen to what we had to say.... she got us PG first go. Hospitalised at 18w due to bulging membranes, emergency stitch put in, stayed in hospital for 7w, waters leaking from 19 1/2w....great now I also have to contend with an incompetent cervix.

After continually being told I will loose him, I will go into labour etc I held him in till I had cord prolapse at 25w and had an emergency c-section. He spent 153 days in NICU & SCN, with collapsed lungs, pneumonia, infections, a machine breathing for him for 7 weeks and we were called in twice to say goodbye. When he came home he was on oxygen but being the determined boy he was he stayed on it 9 months instead of the 2 yrs like his Dr's said.
So now he is 21m or 17 1/2m corrected and you would never know he is a preemie. The 7 years of trying was so worth it, he is just a beautiful child that has alot of his great grandfathers facial expressions and heart (he never got to meet him).

We have 8 frostie bubs still sitting there and I am so itching to go back and try again but I know hubby isn't to fond about the whole idea as he said he could never go through the NICU experience again. So what the future holds I have no idea but I am going to cherish every moment of my son growing up incase I never get to experience it again. And if I do never get to experience it again then I have alot of emotions to start dealing with, including the mourning of 8 embrios.

Infertility has left scars on my life so please don't think I am over it because I have a child. My blog contains everyday ramblings, could be about M vomitting and me being a bad mother and letting him sleep in his smelly clothes then him paying me back, could be about my weightloss, or the new pup we have that pees and craps in the house after I have just taken him outside to go and even revisiting my past.

I am looking forward to hopefully meeting some new bloggers and would love to support those who are starting IVF or even those who have been ttcing for a long time, so come out, come out where ever you are!!

MIA

2010-05-09T22:46:00.000+10:00

I've had alot on lately but will be back to Blog land tomorrow and do a catch up!

New Blog for Preemie Bloggers - pls pass the word!

2010-05-02T22:14:00.000+10:00

I struggle to find preemie/premmie Blogs, so I have decided to do another blog called (for now lol) Preemie Bloggers.....original huh. So if anyone reads this and has a prem blog or knows someone I would love to add you or them and if you could pass the word I would very much appriciate it!

Preemie Bloggers

Blog Designers Please

2010-05-01T23:48:00.000+10:00

I was wondering if anyone could reccomend any blog designers out there. I have another couple of blogs in the works and need someone to design them for me. I sussed some out tonight but a couple of them had massive waiting lists or the lists were closed.

Can certainly tell ICLW is closed ..... its gone dead on here lol.

Sorry to my Blog Roll

2010-04-29T23:52:00.000+10:00

I want to say sorry to the bloggers on my list that I have neglected over the past week. This was my first time involved in ICLW and I must say it took a bit out of me lol, but I did enjoy it.
It was so interesting to read so many different stories and lives out there, some good and some not so good but even the not so good were always so encouraging to others.

I think I will do next months as well, I think it's a great way to meet people and the feed back you often get, is so positive. I truely hope that those waiting for a BFP, aceive their dreams soon!

Anyway again I am sorry!!

One Sentence Answers

2010-04-28T23:18:00.002+10:00

Just wanted to do something different and would really love to hear your answers. Now you can only do one sentence answers and no more than 10 words.

Describe yourself

Tell me about where you live.

Describe your Mother inlaw..and no not want she looks like!

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

What is your biggest pet peeve?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of it's nose?

Where did you loose your virginity?

What does a good relationship look like?

If you had so much money that you wouldn't know what to do with, what would you do with it?

What was your most embarrassing moment?

Have some fun because thats all it is!!

Supporting a Friend

2010-04-27T00:25:00.000+10:00

I spent the day chatting to my friend (on msn of course...phone bill would of been huge and I would of had to of left home before hubby saw the bill lol) who is currently going through IVF. She is just about ready to go for her 4th try but this cycle will be a fresh cylcle...her 3rd one. It just breaks my heart how worked up she was knowing what she has to go through again to maybe get a couple of eggs...yep poor responder. And the hard thing for me is I am the opposite and would end up with mild OHSS so couldn't relate on that part, but as for her worry about the pain and the uncomfort, feeling misserable for a few days and then the stressing over the 2ww, then checking everytime you go to the loo, the blood test then the dreaded phone call................... I can soooooooooo relate.

It's true you know that the more times you go the harder it becomes which is the complete opposite of anything you try. For me it was always going to be it was never going to happen, or my hubby would say we can't afford it anymore, or the worst thing...your FS saying it's not going to happen. I was begining to know we were coming to an end lets face it after 10 transfers, how much more could I expect my hubby to go through....me I could of gone forever to achieve that dream, although don't know if the body would of taken me to forever. And after we lost out daughter on our 6th transfer I really thought that was it. But I think she is scared that she too will take as long as me, but I can't promise her she won't, I mean how do we know, it's just a waiting game.
She had a good cry...well I couldn't see her but she told me she did and as she said it's something she just can't talk to her friends and family about as no one has been through it and understands what it's like and as much as her hubby does try it's not the same. She is the last in her group of friends that hasn't had children yet which I know is the hardest.

Her girlfriends took her out for a lunch a couple of weeks ago and called it her sending fertile wishes lunch which I loved, I mean what a great idea and to me that does show that they are thinking about her even if they fully don't understand....Hey maybe more women need those types of lunches!! She's decided to take 2 1/2 weeks off work and for the 2ww she is going to park herself on the couch, watch nothing but crap on TV, eat chocolate, sleep when she wants too and by that she means during the day and just take it as it comes. I always had to be kept busy which is why I never took holidays during that time except for once and I swore I would never do it again, I just thought too much, but as I said to her do what you have to do but promise me you will at least shower!!

Good luck Cat you know I am there for you when ever you need me!!

My Fire Burn't Town

2010-04-25T01:57:00.004+10:00

I nearly cried this morning when I got up to check my blog comments.....there weren't any lol. But thankyou to the 3 people that eventually did comment, it made me feel much better. I thought how was I going to return a comment to no one lol.

It's autumn here now, one of my favorite times of the year. I am so not a summer person I just hate being hot and the sleepless nights, I so love being able to rug up, but it's bushfires that scare me the most. I live in one of the area's effected by the Black Saturday bushfire area's, our town was completely wiped out which included 500 houses. We were one of the lucky ones.... 12 houses survived and our brand new house was one of them. Don't know how because the houses on either side of us and behind us went and our home was undefended.

Below are some pictures of before the fires and now.

BEFORE

NOW

The Main St

BEFORE

AFTER

This part is called The Black Spur and goes for about 20km of pure windies and if you get car sick your in deep trouble. Also logging trucks travel this road from dawn to dusk.

So as you can see alot of the burn't trees on the Spur have shed their bark and almost look normal. The foggy on I threw in because that's what it's like during winter. I have to travel down this road when going food shopping or to get to the nearest big shopping centre which is nearly and hour away.

Last year was our first winter here and this is what we woke up to which in a funny way looked dso beautiful on all the burn't rubble and landscape. Alot of houses still hadn't been cleared from their blocks yet:

It's very slow rebuilding this town, it's been over a yr now since the fires went through and we only have 2 cafes and a real estate agent in the main st, and a little further back we have a small grocer and just recently a couple of petrol pumps that you have to pay by card, they are free standing with no attendants. A couple of weeks ago the primary school opened and the community centre is currently being built. This place was a dream but now it's like living in a new estate with houses going up in bits. I hate that there is nothing up here and as much as people say it will all happen eventually but this is not how it was mean't to be when we decided to move from the ocean to the mountains and I honestly despise the person that lit this fire for changing so many lives forever...especially the 30 plus that died in this town.

I will do updates and pics soon and show you how many houses are being built right now.

Pictures of my Baby I waited 7yrs for

2010-04-24T08:30:00.001+10:00

Born at 25w weighing 845g or 1lb 8oz

Now at 19 months.

The loss of life and potential new life - Opinions

2010-04-24T00:08:00.004+10:00

I received some sad news last night about a lady I use to work with before I had my son. I use to be a manager with Kmart which for the bloggers in America our Kmart is like your Targets not your Kmarts. Anyway I found out that she had been murdered by her mentally ill partner at the age of 52. She was always asking how you were, encouraging while I was ttcing and when I was pregnant, smile on the face most of the time but to have your life taken like that is just so sad. See in Australia we have a huge crime rate but if you compair it say to the US or England then it's not masive although the gang violence and stabbings stats are flying through the roof at them moment, so when something like that happens it is headlines on the news.
So when I heard it on the news I didn't think anything about it, you sort of think oh here we go again but when you find out it's someone you know your heart just drops, you feel sick but I think it's more the way she was killed and that was stabbed through the neck. I went to her Facebook page and there were all the tributes to her but there also was a picture of her and all of a sudden I found myself with tears running down my face........her poor children and more so her daughter that was there. Her funeral was today and I know alot of my old staff members went and I wish I could of been there for them but I can't bring a 19 month old to a funeral and it was nearly 2 hrs away.

It really does get you thinking on how precious life is and how much alot of us take it for granted, but we too found that out with having a 25w prem. They say you should live life to the fullest but sometimes life holds you back and all the material things come into it, as I'm sure to live life to the fullest money is defantly going to come into it! I hope she is at peace now because something tells me maybe life with him wasn't that easy. Rest In Peace E.

On another Topic I was wondering for any of you reading this and are going through IVF....If you had finished your journey and had embrio's left, what would you do with them. Here my clinic offers, donation to other couples, donation to science or destroy them?? And the reason I ask is because htere is a topic discussion going on one of the forums that I belong too and its just interesting to gets others opinions. Australia had a HUGE and I mean HUGE shortage for egg and sperm donations with waiting lists being over 2 yrs and now couples are flying overseas to access the sperm or egg donations. Also surrogacy is only legal in 2 states so it's not really an option here although in this day and age it should be but our politicians are so damn behind here that religon is always bought into in although not publically. I just don't understand how this country can be so backwards in so many things... and they call us the lucky country....pffftt.
We have 8 embrio's or frostie bubs as I call them and at this point I don't feel my journey is over as I would dearly love a 2nd child. I think when if we do go again my FS wants to defrost all 8 and grow to day 5 (frozen at day 2 or 3) so maybe we might not have to choose as my sons cycle they defrosted 6 to get 2. But the thought of what to do with 8 if we don't go back rips my heart out as I see them as potential children.
In Australia you are only allowed to transfer 2 embies at a time, with over the past couple of years some clinics have dropped it to one as our twin rate went sky high and as some of you know twin IVF preg can have alot of problems and has a higher m/c rate or one dying than natural pg's.

So I'm just interested in what others have to say about it and I won't judge you and I hope others won't too.

Strong Women and Ramblings

2010-04-22T19:39:00.000+10:00

It's amazing you know, this is my first time doing IComLeavWe and I have to say I have never met so many brave and strong women! And how so many have not only been through IF but also have struggled with other things going on in their lives at the same time. I am really going to enjoy this I think, just getting to know others and also finding similar people to what you have been through but giving you things to think about, making you realise things aren't that bad in your life atm and also giving you the chance to support them through what you have been through. But it was very nice to meet the ones I did and more tomorrow.

Well I was dragged out for another walk this morning. M is loving he can just grab your fingers and off he goes, but I swear my fingers turn blue sometimes with him hanging on so tight. Last night hubby took him for walks down the hallway then let go and got him to try and walk to him....welllllllllllll anyone would think we have just taken his toys off him, he just lets out the most high pitched sqweel with a pretend cry but with no tears (of course) and thank goodness we don't have neighbours because I swear it sounds like we are beating him. Tonight I needed to trim his hair (for the first time) as his curls on the side of his head were begining to head south. Well if you have tried to cut the head of a 16m corrected toddler let me tell you you hope to god you don't miss and cut a mass chunk out from somewhere.
So I put him in his bath and he lovvvvvvvveeeeeeeessssssss his bath. I let him play for a while then thought I would sneak the comb in first followed by the sissors, mind you he hates his hair being brushed. I combed he pushed it away, I started singing he was ok and then would do a quick snip....phew first snip done and no blood. Tried again he pushed away the comb, tried again ....nope so now I have resorted to making animal noises from pigs to cows to chickens and managed to get some more cut. this went on for about 20 mins so everytime he thought it was over I snuck the scissors in so can't promise its even but its passable and if hubby says he needs a haircut again he can give it ago!!

Not so good one the weightloss front this week, infact lost nothing which is a kick in the gutts. I mean you try so hard and not a thing. Don't get me wrong I am very happy with the loss Weightloss post but you don't want to have a week where none of that fat leaves the body lol. Hubby once said maybe I should of shaved my legs and bits and maybe I might have lost some more .... maybe I should of done it on this occation, although getting off my arse would of been better but the first option is less strenuous. See I hate exercise, infact I don't know if it's the exercise so much I just hate sweating .

I think I would be a great spokes person for exercise equipment!!

ICLW: April 2010- First Timer

2010-04-22T00:27:00.003+10:00

Well this is my first time doing ICLW.........so welcome!!

A little about me is I am 39 and live in Australia, infact in one of the Black Saturday Bushfire effected area's. Married to a special man and I say that because he puts up with me lol. I also have a beautiful son whom survived being born at 25w.
I am infertile, I have PCOS and crushed tubes from scar tissue that has grown around my tubes thanks to a Dr that misdiagnosed my burst appendix when I was 16, so when we started trying to have children in my early 30's we had no idea why I couldn't conceive. After a laperoscopy where they knicked my bowel so 6 days in hospital and a month off work it was found I needed IVF and would never conceive naturally. My FS (fertility spec) told me he couldn't see why we couldn't conceive almost straight away. First cycle a BFN, 2nd empty sac but readings kept rising, D&C at 7w on our first wedding anniversary. Third, 4th & 5th all BFN, 6th BFP waters broke at 14w 5d, induced at 16w 2d gave birth to our beautiful girl ~Chloe~. Seventh, 8th, 9th & 10th BFN and after that we changed FS to someome that would do something different and listen to what we had to say.... she got us PG first go. Hospitalised at 18w due to bulging membranes, emergency stitch put in, stayed in hospital for 7w, waters leaking from 19 1/2w....great now I also have to contend with an incompetent cervix.
After continually being told I will loose him, I will go into labour etc I held him in till I had cord prolapse at 25w and had an emergency c-section. He spent 153 days in NICU & SCN, with collapsed lungs, pneumonia, infections, a machine breathing for him for 7 weeks and we were called in twice to say goodbye. When he came home he was on oxygen but being the determined boy he was he stayed on it 9 months instead of the 2 yrs like his Dr's said.
So now he is 19m or 15 1/2m corrected and you would never know he is a preemie. The 7 years of trying was so worth it, he is just a beautiful child that has alot of his great grandfathers facial expressions and heart (he never got to meet him).

We have 8 frostie bubs still sitting there and I am so itching to go back and try again but I know hubby isn't to fond about the whole idea as he said he could never go through the NICU experience again. So what the future holds I have no idea but I am going to cherish every moment of my son growing up incase I never get to experience it again. And if I do never get to experience it again then I have alot of emotions to start dealing with, including the mourning of 8 embrios.

Infertility has left scars on my life so please don't think I am over it because I have a child. My blog contains everyday ramblings, could be about M vomitting and me being a bad mother and letting him sleep in his smelly clothes then him paying me back, could be about my weightloss, or the new pup we have that pees and craps in the house after I have just taken him outside to go and even revisiting my past.

I am looking forward to hopefully meeting some new bloggers and would love to support those who are starting IVF or even those who have been ttcing for a long time, so come out, come out where ever you are!!

Bad Mummy Award

2010-04-21T23:33:00.002+10:00

My little man is becoming more confident within himself everyday. He's loving that he can now walk around although still aided but he thinks it's pretty good, especially now he can use his car or push walker to lean on whilst trying to raid higher heights such as draws. Monday he wanted to go for a walk outside whilst holding my fingers, he did the leading and I just followed oh and held him up while trying to make sure he didn't trip over stuff on the floor as he was a little busy being proud of himself and looking at anything that moved lol.

Yesterday we spent the afternoon having alook around a shopping centre. As I have lost weight I am in desperate need of some winter clothing and I must say this season just sux!! Big and long jumpers, cardigans and shirts the look like flannelette. So if I hadn't of lost the weight it wouldn't of made any difference as there is no shape to alot of it. Anyway I could smell brewing from the pram below so thought I'd better go and change M, grab a coffee and muffin and give M some food. Got myself organsied, sat down at a table and started to feed M, think he had pumpkin cous cous and just as I open my muffin bag I heard M whinge and when I looked at him he had a lovely water fall effect of pumpkin cous cous down the front of him and in his pram. Now when he was little I could handle baby spew but when they get older and it really does smell like vomit it makes me want to do the same thing, but being a tough mummy I just grabbed hand fulls of baby wipes and mopped up as much as I could, although a hose would of been easier!! Poor M he was so upset by it and to top it off his not so brilliant mother forgot a change of clothes for him too. So I headed straight for Target but yep he crashed and there was no way I was going to wake him, so his pay back to me for not bringing his clothes was for me to walk around the shops for an hour with the woft of vomit protruding off him and all as I could think about was "please let no one else smell it"....I am such a good mother ...not. I mean I let this kid keep his top on covered in spew just so I didn't have to wake him and try and get him to sleep again, just so I could have a little peace and look around.

When I got back to the car he woke up, so I changed his top and gave him a huge hug saying how sorry I was for letting my defenceless little man stay in his own vomit. He just smiled at me which made me feel even worse, then proceeded to play with his toys in his carseat but don't worry payback happened when he decided he was going to stay up until 10pm, hypo as soon as he got home and then after me going to bed at midnight as I needed to get things done around the house (I just find it easier to clean etc when the house is quiet), he proceeded to wake at 6.30am.

Then today he thought he would hold out on his day sleep till 3pm, where without a word of a lie I nearly left him to it and had a sleep myself on the couch until someone found the remote and next thing I know Postman Pat has nearly sent me through the ceiling. so all in all I think he made me pay for the vomit episode although I'm sure it's not over !

Think I'm Boring!

2010-04-18T14:45:00.000+10:00

I think I need to get out and find some mummy bloggers or even just life in general ones. It's amazing that when you have struggled with IF for so long, then you suddenly have a child how quiet your blog can become. Don't get me wrong I do understand why as I too was once like that, but it makes you think whether your wasting your time doing this and maybe I should just go back to writing it all in a journal. I do visit others blogs and comment but I guess I must be one boring blogger lol. But I do thank the 3 or 4 people that do comment...you make me feel wanted lol.

I'm not one of those people that have the talent of opening my mouth and I have everyone laughing....I wish!! But I am looking for funny women's Blogs, whether it's about life, kids anything as I love a good laugh. So if you know of any pls pls let me know. I need to escape reality sometimes and a blog that puts a smile on your face or you can relate to makes all the difference when your having an average day.

It's funny before I went MIA could just jump on here and just blog away, infact as sad as it sounds I actually use to lie in bed and think about what I wanted to write. I almost wanted to get out of bed right there and then and go write but I knew hubby would of been a little unhappy with that not to mention I was working back then so going to do a 10 hr day with little sleep wouldn't of agreed with me lol. Maybe I'm just too tired these days, I mean running after a toddler is exhusting, plus trying and I mean trying hee hee to clean the house and OMG don't get me started on choosing what I want for dinner cause that's a headache in itself lol.

Anyway won't waffle on anymore I really don't want to scare the readers I do have away LMAO. Again if you can tell me of any good blogs or sites to find blogs besides stirrup queens I would be so appriciative!

Weight Loss

2010-04-16T23:37:00.000+10:00

I've been on the weightloss train since last year and I have to say it's been damn hard work as I love my food way to much!! I have always been chubby since school but as I got older it's not longer chubby it's call fat.
I have tried Jenny Craig, Nutri-system (which went bust in Australia), Lite n easy... several times, Weight Watchers... several times, CSRIO diet and I know there is more.
About 10 yrs ago I got Glandular Fever and I have to say that was the best damn diet ever!! By the time I was well again I had to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe and during this time met my future hubby......man I looked good! But yep got to complacent, started shoveling again. Then 6yrs of IVF drugs and trying to loose weight in between each cycle just added to the woes. Then back in 2008 I was hospitalised for 7 weeks due to my cervix opening, was another good diet....between the 3 hospitals I stayed in I was lighter than before I was PG and I was 24w, the food was crap!!! In Aug 08 I had my son at 25w and so typical I am not the type of person who can't eat when upset or stressed, so 153 days of hosptial food made not only my waist line but every other line increase to one of the heavist sizes I have been 86.8kg or 189.1lb's also before I had M I worked in retail management and was on my feet for 10 hours a day. Keep in mind I am only 155cm or 5ft 1", so weight makes me look like and oompa loompa and when I felt my knees hitting each other I knew what I had done....I was so ashamed for letting myself go, I promised hubby I would never do that.

Well as from today I am 14kg or 31lb lighter and am so proud of myself for doing it. It hasn't been easy and trust me there has been lots of tears of frustration, especially when I have gained or stayed the same weight but when you see the clothes you use to wear no longer fitting you and falling to the ground you forget about the crappy weeks.
I still have about 10kg or 22lb to go which I know are agoing to be the hardest but sooooooooooooooooo worth it!! The weight I want to get to I don't think I was born at LMAO. So thankyou Weight Watchers finally a weight loss program that really does prove to me that you can eat real food and loose weight.

Now I have the problem of being between clothing sizes but more so our Autumn/winter fashion so far is crap. It's shirts that look like flannelette, tight jeans, jumpers to your knees and cardigans and shirts that look like something my nanna would wear. I honestly can't find a thing I like and ended up spending my birthday money which was suppose to be for clothes on my son, a handbag which I don't know why I bought because I carry everything in a nappy bag and costume jewellery which I sooooooo love. Maybe I am not mean't to leave the house for 6 months!

AnywayI will keep you updated on the rest of my weight loss journey and maybe some pics.

From Mummy to Teacher

2010-04-11T00:05:00.000+10:00

Image from Lets Talk Babies

I feel I need to start taking M's development a little more seriously than I have. He's now at the age where he is looking at us to teach him how to talk as at the moment all as he says is da da da, dad, dadda, daddy, ga ga and hey. He will try and copy you but in baby moaning etc. He is now 16 months corrected and should really have a couple of words under his belt. I hate comparing him to anyone elses child and I said I would never do it, we always said he could develop at his own pace but he obviously needs help in the talking area...unfortunatly it's not something that I can just plug into him and it's programed into him, although in this day and age I am surprised it's not lol.
But because I belong to a few online groups such as preemie, ivf etc you tend to hear alot of what other toddlers are doing and deep down do start to think well why hasn't he done that yet. I know he is going to surprise us like he has with everything else.....good old mummy starts to worry when is he going to roll, crawl, eat etc and one day he just does it! So today I did some web surfing to find some Educational sites.......man there are some great online shops out there and I could spend a small fortune!! There is so much out there that after a while your head starts spinning and you hope to god you have bought the right products!

I think I will get these

As much as I would love to buy more as there is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much he is only 16 months and I don't want him to suddenly become overwhelmed, go mute and never speak again lol. Now that I have found this website hubby is going to cringe as M becomes older..... hee hee. So now when they arrive I put my teachers hat on and get to it.

I asked hubby about the so called terrible two's that people seem to say children go through, although some say it's more the three's now. See hubby has been married before and has 2 older children so I have to say I am very lucky to be able to have someone to turn to and ask questions about M's development. He seems to think that it's similar to what Maxx does now such as when he raises his voice when he cries even though there is no tears, or when he tenses himself up and goes red in the face....lets hope so because his mother has a temper too and two tempers together won't make a happy house hold lol. I'd be the mother in the supermarket lying on the floor chucking the tantrum before he had time to do it.

God could you imagine hubby getting a call at work telling him to come down to the shops to collect his wife and child because they were both chucking a tanty on the floor!

M took his first steps!

2010-04-08T00:03:00.000+10:00

Picture from muppet.wikia.com/wiki/First_Steps

My Baby took 4 steps by himself yesterday!!! Picture me crying here lol. I tell ya no one told me him growing up was going to happen before he reached 2. Funny how you can't wait for it to happen but when it does your so excited but the fear of independence sets in. I am so proud of my 25 week preemie....he has both his parents pig headedness to just get in and do things no matter what others have said. We were told that alot of preemies are delayed in developments but so far we are lucky.

Today hasn't been so much of a good day though. I have never seen him like this before but he has been so clingy or as a friend said he has been a velcro toddler today. He wouldn't go off and play which he normally does which is my time to either have a shower or clean up. I would go to walk away and it was like he was tied to my legs, I just couldn't do a thing, if I sat he climbed on me, if I stood at the kitchen bench he would climb up and pull on my legs or sqweeze himself between the cupboards and my legs, he even cuddled into me for ages.....very rare!! I was hoping that after his sleep he would wake up to his normaly self but um no it didn't happen, it's like someone stole my child and gave me a imposter.

By the end of the day I was nearly in tears, it was just the frustration of not being able to do anything or leave the room. Funny thing is, is that he settled down just in time for hubby to arrive home and me looking like a

Anyway hoping tomorrow is a better day or I may just lock myself in the bathroom and let him have the run of the house!

It's Over for Another Year

2010-04-05T20:59:00.003+10:00

Well there you go another Easter is over, my son has more chocolate eggs than hubby and I have put together, everyone has gone home and I'm exhausted! Sometimes you wonder why you put yourself through it all, I mean if your the host your continually running around making sure everyone is ok, then getting breakfast, lunch and dinner, then tea and coffee, then filling and unloading dishwasher, sweeping the floor, picking up, then trying to fit your own shower in and then you just can't be bothered eating a meal you have been looking forward too for a week. Last night I found myself falling asleep on the couch with my back and my mouth open....thank god I didn't snore or even worse wake up with drewl running down my face..... although I am sure most of my family has seen it already.

M had a good easter, but being 19 months or 15 months corrected he still doesn't know whats going on, so hopefully next year will be alot more fun for him. He did however love all the attention from everyone, but I do think by this afternoon he was over it, I actually found when he woke from his afternoon sleep and everyone was gone he wasn't looking for anyone and OMG it was so good to have him back to myself....I missed him.
This afternoon hubby and I sat on the couch, he got out the dips, cheeses, kabana and bickies and we just watched TV and played on the computer. Then when M woke up he had a couple of mini easter eggs, lunch and we had a bit of a play with his toys till he just went off and did his own thing.

So tomorrow is another day and I have a house that needs cleaning from head to toe!

Slow Down....mummy still needs to feel wanted.

2010-04-04T01:07:00.000+11:00

I can't believe how far M has come in his short little life. Today he stood by himself without leaning on anything for the longest time yet. He's starting to let go of things that he is holding onto as he becomes more confident. He's been using his frames etc to lean on whilst walking, but today my mum put her arms under his arm pits and let him walk to which he took too straight away. Then before we knew it he was holding onto her fingers like he had been doing it for weeks. I'm afraid I'm about to lose my baby, the one thing he still had to rely on me for and he's about to take his first steps by himself. I know he still needs me for other things but walking is just a huge huge step.

I use to listen to other mothers say cherish every moment as they grow up so quick, but I thought oh please you have 5 or 6 years with them before they start school thats plenty of time! Well I have to say I cannot believe how much a human develops in their first 18 months. These defenseless little things are born into this world, they depend on you to do everything for them and then 19 months later he has smiled, rolled, crawled, eating what you do, leaning over to one side to fart, laughs, gets frustrated, starting to talk, knows what he wants and doesn't want and now he's a few weeks of walking by himself..... Oh dear mummy isn't coping to well!

Poor Easter Bunny

2010-04-02T00:38:00.000+11:00

Well it's that time of year again when the poor Easter Bunny is busy popping out everything from Chocolate eggs, to chocolate bunnies, candy eggs, 1kg eggs (ouch), chocolate cars and more. No wonder it's only once a year as he would be one sore and tired bunny!

I have my family and some of hubbies family here and I am exhusted before they even start arriving tomorrow for a few days. At least I know that M will be spoilt and looked after while I am wipped into a frenzy of picking up after everyone, making sure everyone has breakfast, lunch and dinner, dishes off bench and maybe before I get to bed I might be able to sqweeze in a shower or I could hold off and maybe they might all leave earlier with the smell, hee hee!

M loves his nanna and Pa, they spoil him so much but hey he is the only grandchild and they have been waiting for a long time to be grandparents, infact I am 100% sure that my mum thought it would never happen....but hey since when do we listen to our mums lol. My parents live 2 hours away so don't get to see him as often as they would like so when they do come up here to stay I loose him for a couple of days. To be honest it's fine with me it sort of gives me a break and I hate saying that because it makes me sound ungreatful but I'm not ungreatful just a tired mummy .

So its 12.30am on Good Friday and I am about to go and crash, hoping that M doesn't have a restless night and hubby has a snore free night, so I can be all happy and smiley when the entourage starts arriving tomorrow

The Worst Day of her Life

2010-04-01T13:56:00.001+11:00

Please go and visit Becky . They need alot of support right now.

Ewwwwwwww

2010-03-31T18:57:00.001+11:00

Do you ever have days where you feel like the top of your head is about to blow off??

And you just find the smallest things getting to you, to the point you can also end up in tears? See the problem is, is that I am not a cleaner

....I mean I clean but I am not the type of person where my house is spotless. I don't walk around cleaning all day everyday, it's not me and never has been, but I am really struggling with our new puppy constantly peeing on the floor. I know they do it and I know they grow out of it but it grosses me out. Even though I mop it afterwards the thought of walking through that area again even though it's clean just makes me ill, not to mention when you have a crawling toddler that's the last thing you want him crawling through.

Well last night hubby was putting M to sleep in our room, so the dog was with me and asleep on the rug on the floor. I walked into the kitchen, opened the dishwasher door, put a plate in, turned around and there the dog had crapped on the floor in that split second I had my back turned. I was still realing from cleaning up the pee 30 mins before that. If my head could of exploded it would have, it was like someone had put my head in a vice. For most people that know me I struggle cleaning up any animal crap or any type of spew....yes funny coming from a mother of a toddler but honestly I turn green and start dry reaching, so with hubby putting M to sleep guess who had to clean it up!! I think by the time I cleaned it I was nano seconds away from bringing up dinner and needless to say that ruined my craving of having chocolate chip icecream for dessert !!!

My Effort

2010-03-30T16:37:00.000+11:00

M and I played blocks on Sunday...mummy makes things and M destroys them. Funny thing is he won't touch them unless someone is making something but then it's only to destroy it in 2 second and not make anything. This is my effort

I think they are some type of space person lol.

His little Traits

2010-03-28T01:44:00.002+11:00

My little man has certainly found his feet now. Over the past couple of days he has started walking using his toys that are on wheels such as his big car, train etc. He's up and down the hall way, around the couch infact anywhere where there is floor boards and he is loving it! Up until lately he has only been walking around the couch or furniture but lately he has been pushing the diningroom chairs around just being a little more confident. Hubby thinks he will be walking around by himself by the end of April and I tend to agree. Today while we were in the bathroom waiting for his bath to fill he let go of the side of the bath and just stood there for the longest time yet, I just kept yelling clever boy, clever boy, I think by the way I was carrying on he was walking on water lmao.

I can't believe he is 19 months old or 15 months corrected. He's come so far and is such a head strong little thing. Speaking to other preemie mothers this seems to be a common thing. They know what they want to do and just go for it, like there is no fear what so ever. I remember when he was still in hospital and had just got over his pneumonia and we knew he was going to survive, I would send SMS updates to my parents onhow he was going and for a whole there he was just putting his foot down as to say I want out of here. I remember dad sending a reply of "he'll be reading the newspaper next" and as much as it put a smile on my face that's the type of baby he was..... and no he hasn't read a newspaper yet but likes to look through it when daddy is reading, which results with parts of it being spread across the floor.

He throws anything he can get his hands on in the empty bath. He can start of with 7 of the balls he plays with in his playroom and by the end of the day most of them plus other things are in the bath. If you pull it out for him he only throws it back it, so have learn't first don't follow him in or he whinges at you until you get them out for him to just throw them in again and 2 just leave it all in there till the end of the day and then you can collect it all together and just put it back in his playroom.

I have to laugh at the way they still test you...lets see if I cry if she will come running even though nothing has happened to me! Sometimes he will do what sounds like a real cry so I do go running only to see the smile come on the face as soon as I have picked him up, or then there's the she's not paying any attention to me so I will do a angry groan where he goes red in the face and stiffens up....I nearly wet myself laughing. He does try though so I will give him credit.

He loves the computer, if its turned off he doesn't want a bar of it and when it's on he will find anyway of trying to touch it. Oh mum look over there he is saying in his head while I touch your computer and do something to it that you can't work out how to fix. Lately he's been coming over and wanting to sit on my lap, he will then slowly more his hand closer. If you move it away he will start stretch his arm out, you move it more he will stretch more but he does it slowly so he thinks its not so obvious and if you leave it for a second he is onto it and now knows where the power button is..there ya go mum, there's payback for not letting me touch it in the first place!

Empty Head & Other Blogs

2010-03-26T13:01:00.000+11:00

Do you ever come and sit in front of the computer ready to Blog and then all of a sudden all the thoughts you had are gone

I mean I can be thinking of yep that would be good to talk about, but then either forgetting what you wanted to say or not even know how to start it or sometimes in my case get distracted, come back and it all over lol. I have read alot of Blogs and some people were just born to do it. They can express exactly how they feel or opinions and have people in fits of laughter everytime.

I was never good at writing essays or doing talks whilst at school, infact I am not a person that can go into a room and start chatting to complete strangers but to most people they say I am such a confident person....not really I just hide it well.

I have to admit though it's ALOT harder to Blog now that I am no longer fighting my infertility. Writing down your feelings, thoughts etc were alot easier when it was all about your cycles, IVF transfers, BFN's, hate etc. I think my problem is that I would still like those that are still on the roller coaster of IF to keep reading, thus if I continually write about my son that I am going to scare them away ... although i don't have a hugh following as it is. I knew what it was like for me when I was still TTCing my first, reading about others having children was gutt wrenching but maybe it's me that still hasn't got over it??

I love reading other peoples thoughts/lives, some good, some bad and some horrific that I don't know how they even Blog. I look forward to logging on everyday when my son is having his sleep and going through my Blog list and reading whats happening in your life today, may sound weird but it's almost like being adicted to a soapie but this is someones real life that they are willing to share with you.

Maybe I need to have a posting where the readers get to ask me questions or ask me to chat about a topic.....mmmmmmm could be dangerous LMAO.

I should really think more into things!

2010-03-24T22:23:00.000+11:00

So who's idea was it to agree on getting a puppy.... as cute as they are I think maybe a one yr old is the way to go. Just today he has pee'd on the floor 9 times including in 3 different rooms with carpet and all after I have bought him inside from just peeing, he has tried to hump my son while he was crawling 3 times, poo'ed once and I have lost count of how many times he has tried to peirce my toes and and ankles. This morning he had gotten into the dirty clothes and was dragging my undies around. At least with a toddler he has a nappy on and is yet to bite my ankles.

Yep, yep I know they grow out of it but I am just sick of cleaning pee up off my floor boards before my son comes crawling through. My hubby has the patients but I am afraid I am one of those people that I think it gets less every year or maybe that comes with working in retail for 20 yrs and 10 of them in Management and mostly of over 25 females.

So hubby has promised to spend most of the weekend with him and start the training. See my hubby is the GM of The pet loo Australia so the toilet training starts this weekend!!

What a few days!

2010-03-22T23:43:00.000+11:00

What a busy past couple of days it's been. First of all I turned 39 on Thursday yep last year of the 30's, then Friday I had to go food shopping and clean the house as my parents were coming to stay with us for the weekend, then I Saturday we had to travel over 7 hours round trip to pick up our new pup, then cook dinner for everyone and then on Sunday we had a Family playgroup day in the afternoon where my parents left from. By the time we got home I was pooped and the house was a mess and for anyone that knows me I HATE house work with a passion

so when it's messier than normal I just want to go and hide lol.

Anyway had a great Birthday. Was very strange going our shopping without my little man but I knew he was in safe hands with daddy. It was great to be able to walk into shops where prams don't fit and it's where I spent most of my money so maybe having the pram is saving me money......hmmmmmmmmmm. One of my readers told me to try shopping without buying anything for M.....I'm a failure just couldn't help myself when I saw cheap trackie pants and PJ's lol. But I so missed him lol.

When I got home, there was my hubby slaving over a hot stove and oven....he cooked me the best roast, although the stuff he basted it in had smoked up the house that much I thought I'd lost my son and was ready to ring for a light house....but I do love you and very much appreciated that you gave me a day to myself, because when you become a mummy those days are rare or at all.

Well we have a new addition to the family, our fur baby who is a spoodle and 8 weeks old. Honestly I have only had him home today for the first day without my hubby and having a toddler and a pup is a killer. M isn't sure about the pup, the pup jumps all over M, M ends up in tears and trying to climb up my legs, then I have to remember to take the pup outside to wee and even when he does wee he still comes inside and does it. I think it would be easier to just put a nappy on him. He will eventually go to work with hubby but he is home for a while just to get use to his suroundings.....will I last the stint...

Last Day of 38

2010-03-17T19:57:00.000+11:00

Well today is my last day of being 38, tomorrow the big 39. I have become quiet attached to 38, we've become good friends and it sounds kinder than 39 don't you think? To me 38 sounds ALOT younger than 39 but OMG I don't even want to talk about next year...now that scares the crappers out of me.

I have really started to notice my body aging this year but some of it I could of prevented with moisturising but I am way to lazy not to mention ass much as they say non-greasy formula or lotion you would still be able to go slip sliding down a piece of plastic!

Honestly though I'm not a worrier about age but as you do get older you dostart thinking about it more. I found this when my dad turned 60, it was like 'what the' my dad isn't suppose to be 60 they are suppose to be around forever....but none of us are and we never know when its our time and I have found that reading some Blogs lately. The amount of cancer/brain tumors is out of control....why in this day and age is there still no cure for these things??

Anyway I am off for a day off shopping tomorrow whilst hubby works from home and looks after Mr M. I'm going to feel so lost without him and said to hubby that I might have to grab a shopping trolley to compensate for the pram lol, I will even have to dig out a handbag as I normally chuck my stuff in the nappy bag.....LOOK OUT WORLD I AM ON THE LOOSE TOMORROW!!

Little man update.

2010-03-17T10:25:00.000+11:00

Well my little man just seems to be getting bigger everytime he wakes up in the morning. One day you have a 845g or 1 lb 8oz for the US people little baby and next thing you know he is nearly 12kg or 26lb 4 oz. He thinks it's fantastic that he can now reach things he never use to, although not so fantasic for mummy as my house is starting to look like I am moving out. I've had to barricade off one room when I found teeth marks in our brand new shutters.... maybe he thought he needed more fibre?? I can tell you not with the teething nappies he's been having for weeks!!

And OMG what is it with teething nappies, who in their right mind invented a human to almost pee their poo out for weeks and the smell.....I've lost count of how many times I gagged, how many change of clothes he went through in a day. Most of the time I just grabbed him and put him in the bath. I wanted to gaffa tap the top of his nappy closed but thought it would probably leave a noticeable mark lol. I actually found myself not eating breakfast until he had done his first poo. See what my life had turned into, I am talking about poo! He has 8 teeth.....7 front and 1 back but I think another back one is on it's way which means I am back to lovely nappies again.
He's such a happy boy and nothing phases him although he does crack it when he can't play with the computer when your on it. This child finds things on my computer that I never knew existed and then I have to try and figer out how to get rid of it. If you say no he will pretend to walk away but quickly move the hand in to hit the keys. My laptop has a light on the power button and he is like a bug on a light at night when he see's them, so if you turn your head for a split second he will push it then give you this look, not the look of it wasn't me....it's the look of yep I did it but you so love me!!
The best thing I am getting now he is getting older is the mummy cuddles. When I pick him up out of his cot the first thing he does is snuggle his head into my shoulder...I have been waiting 7 years for that. He still hasn't mastered mum or mumma or even ma it's all still dadda, daddy or dad dad and seems in no hurry to change that. He's favorite food right now is Fantastic Delites which are little rice crackers and when daddy comes home from work it's a tradition that they go and sit on the couch together and eat them while I get dinner ready.....love the boys bonding!
He's not really a TV watcher which is fine with me, although sometimes when I need to get things done I wish he was, but he does have his favorite ads and when he hears them he just drops everything and goes racing to the TV oh and he does like the simpsons & two and a half men themes lol.

I love this age, watching him develop his little personality and trates.....it was so worth the wait.

Support & The Unknown Future

2010-03-13T20:43:00.001+11:00

I've been helping a friend who has been going through IVF for about a year now. When I mean helping I mean supporting her not only emotionally, but also how not to get her hopes up. Wow that sounds nasty but I think anyone who has done IVF totally understands what I mean. She actually admitted to me that it's all been helping her and hasn't felt as harsh as when she was doing it alone. She tends now to take every transfer as it comes and even though a BFN still hurts she says it's just easier to deal with to be able to have someone who has been there before to lean on, slap her side ways and then move on lol. To be honest I would of loved to have had someone like that and even though I was involved in IVF online groups I never really had anyone to really lean on, don't get me wrong these friends were good but I never had anyone close.
She's up to her 4th try now and I pray that she doesn't have to do anymore, honestly I would hate for her to start racking up the numbers I did. It's funny though I still feel the pain when she gets her BFN's because I have experienced that pain first hand, then I wonder if it ever goes away....I mean I have finally achieved my dream but it still effects you in some way but I think I know why....

Well first of all going through 11 IVF transfers is going to effect you in someway

but to tell you the truth I don't think I am finished yet, infact I know I am not finished. We still have 8 embrio's on ice (my frostie bubs) and the thought of never using them scares me, to think there could be one of them that could give me my third child (remembering I lost my first born). They are from the same batch as Maxx and if they are anything like him I would have the whole 8 if I could (picture hubby rocking in the corner lol). I turn 39 next week and it's not as easy as saying lets just go for it again. If I did get pg I would have to have a stitch put in at 13 weeks, then rest for the rest of the pg whilst looking after a what will be a 2 yr old but I guess it's better than last time and that was I was still working 10 hour days. Then will the stitch hold, will an infection hold off...I think you can see where I am going with this.

I have been told of an abdominal stitch that some women have had instead of the normal cervical stitch. There are only a few Dr's that do them at the moment but luckly I have heard of one in Melbourne so I am hoping that I qualify for it. My next step though is convincing hubby to start trying again!

I truely don't blame him for him not wanting to and it all comes down the everything we went through with this pg. I mean the poor guy had to not have me home for 7 weeks, then the daily stress of not only spending over 11 hrs a day at work but then having to come to the hospital everynight to see me. Now I stayed at 3 different hospitals over the 7 weeks, one was 15 mins from his work but 2 hrs from home, the second was 1hr & 20min from work but 40 mins from home and the third one which I got transfered to at 24 weeks was 50 mins from his work but 1hr and 10 mins from home. When he would arrive he would fight from falling asleep as soon as he hit the chair, then put up with me crying because I missed him and wanted to come home, not to mention just the overall stress of keeping this baby alive inside of me. There was a few times after things happen to me such as a big fluid loss or bleeding that I would loose it and he would come flying from work or home at all hours of the morning just to be with me and to top it off traveling to hospital to see his son in NICU for 153 days. So there are 2 sides to it, I do understand that but I just would love a brother or sister for Maxx...I've always said I would love 2.

So thats where I am right now, still in a bit of a unknown part of my life but I guess only time will tell.

How do you know?

2010-03-11T11:08:00.002+11:00

I was out shopping today when I overheard a girl talking about her pregnancy to what seemed like a family friend. She had just had her 12 week scan and all was ok, but then she said "I can relax now because we've hit the safe stage". I have to say that yes I did roll my eyes and mumble to myself "are you sure of that", I mean how does she know that. So do I sound like a mum who gave birth at 25 weeks!

We just have this thing programed into us that we will all grow up, meet the man of our dreams, get married and have babies, but unfortunatly in the REAL world its not the way it happens to everyone. I fought for nearly 7 years to have my son and I mean fought and just because I finally achieved my dream doesn't mean it still doesn't effect me in some way, trust me I am not the same person I was 7 years ago and don't think I ever will be again. Maybe that's a good thing as I was a very shy, quiet person but I have to say IVF has toughened me up although probably probably not the best on the old body with the drugs, then the stitch in the cervix and the c-section and now I have extra wobble on my wobble!

I was speaking to hubby yesterday saying that IVF still hurts and what happens if I had of given up after my 10th transfer........Maxx was my 11th. I knew we were coming close to the end of our IVF road, as much as I couldn't deal with it I was starting to think that there would come a time where we would say enough, more so for the financial side of it (thank god we don't live in America or we never would of been able to have one go....$$$), I even started to grab leaflets on how to deal with stopping IVF and still being childless. Lucky for me that I am very pig headed and I mean VERY pig headed and I wasn't ready to give in yet, my motto was 'I was never going to let this thing beat me' and I didn't.

I journaled through my TTCing years and I still go back and read it. It's for M when he gets older, he may not want to read it but it's there if he ever wants it.......or if he annoys the crap out of me when he is a teenager maybe I make him read it for punishment lmao! I will probably share a bit out of it as I continue to Blog so stay tuned.

Beautiful Blogger Award

2010-03-09T15:41:00.000+11:00

I want to thank Trying to Bake a Cookie for nominating me for a Beautiful Blogger award. It means alot because I have been missing in action for awhile.

Here are my instructions:

Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
* Copy the award and place it in your blog
* Link the person who nominated you for this award.
* Tell us 7 interesting things about you
* Nominate 7 bloggers
* Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

Interesting things about me:

1) I met my Hubby on yahoo chat.
2) When I stand I stand with both my feet leaning towards the outside.
3) When I walk I point my toes up and alot of my shoes have been reshaped because of this lol.
4) When I was a kid I use to dress up with my friends like the band KISS, including makeup and play the tennis racket as if it was a guitar.
5) I wanted to be a Childcare Teacher
6) I love Subaru WRX's (its the rev head coming out in me)
7) Don't read books...if the first page doesn't grab me that's it, it's all over. Thus you could say I have just given up lol.

I would like to nominate the following bloggers and if you have had it before I appologies in advance ;-)

1) Adding Peas to Our Pod... as I admire anyone that is on bedrest....being there myself.
2) LifeCanBeAShit ... She has been a wealth of support for me over many many years and I love her to death.
3)Things get IF'fy she has also been a support network to me over a long time.
4) Last Chance IVF Because this woman goes beyond what most of us do.
5) Bottoms Off And On The Table I love this Blog, she thinks the way I use to whilst TTCing but funny enough the feelings still don't go away after you have a child.
6) Crazy lady ramblings A fellow Aussie and also a woman that has endured alot of crap going through IVF.
7) Trouble Down Under Another IVF'er whome also has had to deal with the rollercoaster.

Name Change & Don't rub me for luck...

2010-03-07T21:19:00.002+11:00

It was a hard choice but I have decided to change my Blogs name…..well really it makes sence too as the Quest I was on has come true. I went with Expecting the Unexpected due to my TTC years and that was – I didn’t expect to be infertile, I didn’t expect to have to go through IVF, I didn’t expect it to take 11 transfers, I didn’t expect a preemie baby, I didn’t expect him to make it to a toddler due to his prematurity and by far I didn’t expect toddler time to be so full on.

I still remember having my first appointment with our first Fertility Specalist and hearing those words ….. I can’t see why it won’t take long to happen but little did he know I must of killed some important people in my past life, walked under millions of ladders and past black cats because if it was going to happen it was going to happen to me.

Mis-diagnose burst appendix at 16, the larva from that almost melts my insides and I am left with scar tissue growing around my tubes to close them tighter than a frogs butt. I then have a laperoscopy to find out why Chlomid isn’t working. Last words I hear is 1 in 5000 people end up with a knicked bowel….drum roll, there were 4999 happy women out there …. where is my trophey?? So what should of taken an hour took an ambulance to a level 2 hospital and 6 days in hospital. There I was diagnosed infertile….. fantastic…. did someone leave that bit out of the story of my growing up and living happily ever after! Six transfers later a BFP….14w 5d another ambulance ride to hospital, layed around for 5 hrs, told to pee in a cup told I had a UTI and give pills….no scan and no internal. On way to OBS ….POP and GUSH, I am induced and deliver my daughter at 16w 2d. Eleventh transfer a BFP, 18w membranes buldging, first hospital where I lost my daughter wanted to terminate, discharge myself and got to the Royal Womens, emergency stitch put in and I am 3cm dialated. Hospital bedrest for 7 weeks constantly being told by what ever hospital I got moved to that it wouldn’t last and I would loose the pregnancy, 25 weeks cord prolapse and emergency C-section….my son born at 25 weeks at 845g. Didn’t bond with him for 2 days, didn’t want to bond with something I was going to lose. Called in twice to say goodbye to him and 153 days in NICU & SCN. Then we almost loose our brand new house in the Black Saturday Bushfires in 09. And the unlucky person award goes too………….. trust me don’t ever rub me for luck!

Now in saying all that I was blessed my son survived and my house survived. M is one of the best things that has ever happened to me (besides meeting my best friend….my husband). And I have to say I am totally shocked in how much a baby grows within their first year. These defensless little things are born and within a year most are talking, feeding themselves, crawling and walking, have attitude and already know what they like and dislike. We as humans are the most amazing thing when young in that it’s all imbuilt into us on what to do within our first couple of years of life. I didn’t teach M how to crawl or stand up or walk…..he already knew how to do it and when he was going to do it and before you know it, you have blinked and my baby boy has grown up to be my toddler with spunk and a bit of attitude!

More Pictures

2010-02-22T05:04:00.004+11:00

Click on More Pictures to be taken to another blog that is password protected.

Then and Now

2010-02-22T03:27:00.007+11:00

I have to say Maxx was the perfect baby and if I could have children naturally I would of had alot more, but then as my mother said I was the perfect baby and then she had my sister lol. He never cried, loved his food, slept through the night and was overall was just a happy little boy. I sometimes use to look at him and wonder how he could handle anyone touching him at all with all the blood tests he had everyday, or the xrays he had, being flipped from side to side in his humidycrib and when I mean flipped I mean it. They use to put one hand on the baby's head and another one on the feet and just turn them. There was one nurse we hated, we use to call her the hamburgler from McDonalds as she flipped him like a burger I wanted to slap her silly.

He developed his own little personality and loved the attention...well first grandchild on my parents side I guess he got alot of it but so deserved it after all he had been through. Loved daddy singing him to sleep at night and still up until now it still happens.

Being a prem we always were worried about the damage and developmental delays that he would have, I think even more so because he was on HFO (High Frequency Oscillation)

This machine kept him alive first when he was born and then for another 5 weeks when he got sick and caught pneumonia. If a baby is kept on here for too long it can have side effects such as blindness or sight damage, brain bleeds or even brain damage and with him being on it as long as he was and a couple of times needing 100% oxygen we knew there would have to be something that would happen. But no yet again he showed us, no brain bleeds and thank god he's eye sight is perfect.

He put on weight quiet well and normally sat in the 70th percentile but was never a chubba. He loved a good chat and as soon as he could roll there was no stopping him, lost count of how many times I had to rescue him from face plants. As soon as he found his nasal prongs and realised they could come off he would give it ago, even if it mean't ripping the tape off his face that held them in place. Then there was the times when he came off oxygen for periods of time he would scream bloody murder when it was time to tape them back on....anyone would of thought we were breaking bones or something.

Took him a little longer than usual to get into solids but I tend to think this has come from being tube and bottle fed. I got to breast feed him for a few weeks but I wasn't producing enough and he was getting frustrated. He just loved his bottles and still does, but when he eventually started eating solids there was no stopping him he ate anything. I think too I tended to pull back abit with his solids as if I saw him gagging I would stress and think I am not letting him choke to death so would then just give him a bottle and not give him any solids for days. But now he just eats what we do and if we're not quick enough to give it to him he lets you know, its almost like having a dog because if he see's you eating he is there at your feet in a flash. The only thing is he won't feed himself, I know he can do it because I have seen him do it a couple of times but he won't have a bar of it. I've been told it's a boy thing but as long as he still doesn't expect me to be hand feeding him when he's 21 lol.

Before I knew it I was watching him try and sit up and encouraging it. He was so cute to watch push himself up and at the start you could see he was pretty proud of himself. I remember thinking god I can't wait till he crawls then I don't have to carry him everywhere.......well what the hell was I thinking. First of all once he started crawling I actually realised that this little man was growing up and I no longer had a baby, he no longer depended on me 100%, but second of all he was all over the house, in every room, under your feet and anything within his reach was soon on the floor or taken to another room. As from 6 weeks ago he is now standing and walking around furniture. My house is is mess, I have locks on every cupboard and draw, he loves the oven and dish washer, likes throwing his toys in the bath, if it flashes or lights up he wants it and can sniff a remote control out at 40 paces which may come in handy if we ever loose them!

As mentioned earlier he always slept through the night and during the day it was in my arms....big mistake and I can hear you saying it too. When he was in hospital it was encouraged that you held your baby due to the lack of contact prems have when first born and I didn't mind one bit, but I did the same at home and it was because I just didn't want to let him go. I didn't hold him for the first 7 weeks of his early life and not having him at home when he reached term I felt as if I was missing out on his baby life, I would just stare at him. So as the months went on I found myself sitting on the couch for sometimes up to 6 or 7 hrs a day while he slept. I wouldn't eat, and as soon as he was a wake I found myself shooting around the house to do a quick clean. So when it came time for me to start putting him in his bed during the day he would scream bloody murder and it would go on for hours if I left him and even though he was asleep before I put him down he knew what I was doing.....I don't know how but that kid knew. So I started laying down with him in our bed and it seemed to work, at the start he may have only slept for 15-20 mins but it was working so we went with it, he got use to it and started sleeping for longer periods of time. I know what alot of people say about that type of thing but you know what.....we didn't care, if it was working then it was giving me my sanity back, giving me some me time where I could actually eat something or go and have a shower. Maxx's is now having one sleep a day so I have had to get use to rearranging my day again. When he had 2 sleeps I would have my breakfast, shower and do some cleaning before he woke from his first sleep then with his second it was lunch, cleaning and organising dinner but now I am getting use to doing things differntly. In saying that he is getting old enough where he keeps himself occupied while I can get things done.

I still stare at him and can't believe he is mine, he melts me with his smiles, he's laughter and his beautiful nature. He says dad, dadda and daddy and is also starting to pronounce letters but thats it the rest is chatter. I say mum to him and he just laughs, I know he can say the letter m but I think he is tormenting me and I know there are alot of years of that ahead lol.

He's Home (Review of 2009)

2010-02-16T00:25:00.001+11:00

I have to say having Maxx at home was scarey enough but to have him home on oxygen just scared the bejeezus out of me!!! I don't think I slept the first night home and even though he was connected up to an apnea monitor it still wasn't any comfort, not to mention it was over 40 degrees C also. I mean I had nurses and Dr's looking after my boy for 153 days and now it was just us....what happened if he stopped breathing, what would we do, oh hang on they tought us first aide, oh please if he stops breathing all that first aide stuff has gone out the window and shear hysteria has set in!!

Nathan and I took turns to have cuddles, not to mention nanna it all just felt sereal like someone was going to come and take him back. It was fantastic not to have someone stand there and look over your shoulder watching what your doing, telling you it's time to do this and that.

I'm not sure if I told you but we are currently living with my parents as we are building a house. That night Maxx and I slept in the loungeroom with the airconditioner going it was just too hot to have him in our bedroom. I slept on the couch and he spent the first night in his bassinet, we actually I lay on the couch and he slept lol. The first time his alarm went off I nearly pee'ed myself, I don't think I even took a breath until I had my hand on his chest feeling it move. It went off several times during the night so least to say I didn't get alot of sleep, but he on the other hand slept through the night and this habbit continued to this day....very very spoilt!

He was such a good baby, he never cried, loved a chatter, beautiful, loved his bottles and did I mention beautiful! Once a month we had to go to Monash to see his Respiratory Specialist, where he would be tested on and off his oxygen to see how he coped and to our surprise quiet well. I have to say though everytime his oxygen was turned off my heart would just stop and even though he was fine it was just a mothers feeling that I didn't want him to stop breathing. At the end of his first visit we were told to take him off oxygen for 30 mins a day.....say what....OMG I will be home alone and the nearest big hospital is ages away......oh quick pass me some of that oxygen. The first couple of days I just stared at him everytime he was off, the world could of stopped but I wouldn't of known. The next month he had his test again and did better than last time, this time he was to come off 1 hour twice a day....can he do this I mean this was a baby born with no lungs, only been out of hospital for 2 months and you want to take him off for 2 hrs a day!! But then were told in 2 weeks inrease it to 3 hours off if you think he can cope....huh so in other words if he doesn't turn blue give it a whirl!

Well it turned out that everytime we went he had to be off more and more till it got to the point he only had to be on it at night. Well we had moved to M buy then and the nearest hospital was a long way away and now I had to have him off all day. That kid proved me so wrong, not once did he struggle, not once did he turn blue.....yes he got very tired but he showed all of us what he could do, just like he did in the hospital when he wanted that tube out of his throat. After the 5th month of being home we had to do a overnight test at home with his oxygen turned off.....if my good friend B had of lived close I would of gone and got all her sedatives. We set the machine up so it would record his breathing patterns, attatched the cord to his little foot and crossed every part of us we could. If his oxygen dropped into the 80's for over 3 secs and it continued to do so then we were to stop the test and turn his oxygen back on. I tell ya if I could of fitted into his cot I would of slept with him, I just wanted to sit there with my hand on his chest but knew I had to let him do it I mean he had all the right machines on him to alarm us if he did stop breathing, but what happens if they don't work.....ok ok calm down. Again he said enough was enough I want this oxygen off altogether....he blitzed it!!!

I got a call a few days later to say take him off it, he doesn't need it anymore....I was so excited but crapping myself at the sametime. Thank god his Dr let us keep his oxygen cylinders here for a few months but the day they were picked up we knew we were on our own. The one thing that surprised us about all this was we were told that he would have to be on oxygen unti he was probably 2 yrs old and by 9 months or 5 months corrected he was off it all together. To be able to go out without dragging around an oxygen cylinder or have people stare at him with his tubing across his face was the best because now I had a baby that no one knew was a prem....he looked like a normal bub.

Happy 4th Birthday Chloe

2010-02-08T05:54:00.001+11:00

Mixed emotions today on the anniversary of our baby girls 4th Angel day and also the 1yr Anniversary of the Black Saturday Bushfires and for those that remember we live in one of the effected area's, infact the town was wiped off the map. But our mind was on her today.

Normally for her anniversary we would go down to the beach and throw in flowers for her but today was different. We now live in the mountains so have no beach but we do have Stevensons River which flows from the top to the bottom of the mountain so we found a quiet place and threw some flowers in and spoke to her. We both had a bit of a cry, hugged Maxx and came home. I still wonder to this day if there was anything that hospital could of done for me, especially knowing the same thing happened when I was having Maxx but they put in a stitch, but at F hospital they didn't even do a scan or a internal to look at anything.

I often wonder what she would look like, would it be like her little brother or different all together. Would she have the same personality as her mummy (poor daddy) or would she have her own little attitude. She would be going to kindy this yr and starting school next yr and I think the school bit emotional wise is going to be the heardest thing to deal with.

As I mentioned earlier we also went to the Black Saturday Memorial Service. Can't believe it's been a year since so many lives changed forever. We bought up here 3 yrs before the fires, infact we decided after we lost Chloe that this would be the place to change our lives. Marysville was beautiful, until you saw the place for yourself you can't describe it. These were some before photos

http://www.travelvictoria.com.au/marysville/photos/

Anyway we had just got Maxx out of hospital at the end of Jan 2008 and as I hadn't seen the house since it was at frame stage, then everything happened and I was hospitalised for 7 weeks before I had Maxx. So we had decided that on the 7th Feb my parents and ourselves would go for a trip up as it was 2 weeks off handover, but we soon saw the weather was going to be between 43-46 degree's C or 109 - 115degree's F and thought no way are we taking Maxx out in that heat........that little boy could of saved our lives. Later in the afternoon we left Maxx with my parents and went down to the beach to throw in some flowers for Chloe, when we got home Nathan got a call from one of his team members had left a message on his phones saying that she is safe and had got out....we had no idea what she was talking about until we saw the news......she lived in Kinglake which was an hour away from Marysville. We got on the CFA ( Country Fire Authority) website to see where the fires were but it was so slow to load or would just drop out. Eventually we got onto the site thinking all was ok but soon to learn the site was so far behind that Marysville had been burn't down whilst the site was saying all was ok. All night we were listening to the radio, looking online and listening to the news when Nathan came in as he had been listening to the radio in the car and said Marysville is gone, the whole town is gone, but we just wern't sure as the CFA website said the fire had gone around it. It wasn't until Nathan got a phone call from a neighbour who had a holiday home next to us and told us the whole town and surounding towns we gone, totally burn't to the ground. He couldn't tell us if our house was standing as he too decided not to go up there that weekend but had got word from people he knew up there.

We some how found out later down the track that our house had survived but until were were allowed back in 6 weeks later we had no idea. We we were allowed back in we were in total shock of not only the damage of the town but when we arrived at our house we just stood there in amazement........our house was in one piece with a few broken windows and some bubbling paint but every house around us, on either side of us, behind us all gone.

Someone was watching over us in 2009.

Bit of a Ramble

2010-02-04T10:27:00.000+11:00

Just a break from the catch up.

For those that don't know I live in an area that was effected by the Black Saturday Bushfires. This week I have been down at my parents whilst N is away in Sydney for work. I have enjoyed it so much, just to be able to see different colours again such as the sea, normal coloured tree's etc. Unfortunatly the place we were suppose to move to last year is not the place we are living in now. The houses are gone only to be replaced with new ones or non at all, the tree's are a shade of black with the green growth returing but still so morbid. You look out the windows everyday to the same view and find yourself playing sot the tree with the new growth or the one that didn't make it......sad yes I know but there is nothing else to do. The shops are gone with nothing to replace them a year after it happened and still no sign of it even starting. The nearest proper town is 35mins away down the mountain and around the windies and I am talking car sick windies where you pass logging trucks that almost try and push you along if your not going quick enough.

[caption id="attachment_315" align="aligncenter" width="242" caption="Black spur. Goes for approx 35 mins"][/caption]

Going to a big shopping centre is like a day out that you so look forward too. I miss the Peninsula and I think since having Maxx I have realised how much you do need family around just to help out, even if it's to take him for a few hours so I can do some things for me or things in general. It's just so lonely up here and I think because we have only been here since May 2009 we're still the outsiders. I honestly didn't realise what it would be like moving to an area like this and I sometimes get jealous of my husband being able to get in the car every morning and go to work. He's going to think thats a weird coment as he would love to stay at home but it's the issolation that effects you. I just think my heart is on the Peninsula and always will be.

This was Marysville before the fires: http://www.mix.com.au/shows/thebunch/photos/maryville-before-the-fire

[caption id="attachment_318" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Before the fires....main st"][/caption]

The mountain where I live alight

Photo's of how it effected the town after the fire went through: http://tools.weeklytimesnow.com.au/photo-gallery/photo_gallery_popup.php?category_id=1851

[caption id="attachment_319" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Part of the town after the fires....the whole town with a population of over 600 looked like this."][/caption]

I will talk more about all this later with alot more photo's including how it's coming along now and I must say it's great seeing alot of houses being rebuilt.

Anyway it's been great staying with my parents and giving me a slight break from Maxx and as much as I love him and I hate saying or admitting I need a break because I tried so long to have him. I am scared that something will happen to him because I even think it, but I feel like I sound ungreatful. N tells me I'm not but it's always in the back of your mind.

I'm heading back home tomorrow, just hoping Maxx survives the 2 hr drive poor kid. So can't wait to see N as he arrives home from Sydney tomorrow. We have the one year anniversary of the Black Friday Fires on Sunday with a memorial on the oval. It's going to be a very hard day for alot of people and even though we hadn't moved into our new home when the fires went through, I am hoping we can be some type of support for those that were there.

Birth to home

2010-02-01T09:19:00.000+11:00

Well as you know my little man was born at 25 weeks weighing 845g. He was doing really well for the first week and a half, went from a ventilator (tube down the throat), to CPAP (prongs in the nose) which is fantastic for a baby who was virtually born with no lungs. Unfortunatly he got tired and caught a bug. This then lead to several more bugs and then pneumonia, then his lungs started to collapse so he had to be put back on the ventilator with his oxygen continually being turned up. Every day one of his lungs collapsed, then one would re inflate and then collapes the next day and so on. At one stage his oxygen was on 100% which means it can't be turned up anymore and most likely could lead to brain damage, brain bleeds, hearing being effected and eye sight as well. We were called in twice to say goodbye to him. You would leave him at night and he was good only to ring in the morning and he had had a bad night and gone down hill. I remember after one call we got up straight away to get ready only for my husband to pick me up off the floor in the laundry as my legs gave way I was crying that much.

One day one of the Drs told us the only step that was really left was to give him steriods but there were possible side effects with the main one being cystic fibrosis, but we didn't care we just wanted him alive we would deal with anything that was wrong with him. We signed the form to give the steriods and they were given straight away and over a course of what we thought 9 days. He almost turned a corner straight away and we thought this was it this was all he needed, but then devestating news....his oxygen started to be turned up again and he caught another infection, I'll be honest I thought that was it, I thought there was nothing else they could do i just cried and cried.

They decided to bite the bullet and pull the breathing tube as it had been down his throat for 6 weeks and they knew it would be full of gunk so they said it might help with a new one and as much as they don't like retubing a baby as it causes dramatic stress to them they thought they would pull it out, but then made the choice before they did that that they would try him on a less powerful breathing maching and see how he goes and bugger me he started improving, it was almost like he said about bloody time you put me on this other machine. Before we knew it a few days later they pulled the tube out which I must say scared the crap out of me. We were told not to expect him to last as he will probably get tired but we will give it ago and see how long he can last..... it was like he stuck his finger up and said I will show you and he never went back to be tubed and just had the prongs up the nose. It was almost like he was just saying about time that's all I needed.

He started to grow nicely, graduating from an incubator to what they called the big boys bed or open cot. I remember walking in one morning, all the nurses looking at me and there he was in his open cot......I was so excited I had to run out and ring Nathan to tell him. It was the best to be able to lift him in and out of his cot, to touch him, to hold his hand all the time, for him to look at us without the plastic inbetween us. Then the biggest surprise was when he moved up bays. Bays were the rooms they were in. Bay 7 &8 were NICU, 6 was still NICU but not so dependant then bays 5, 4 were where they still had babies who needed assistance with breathing, or still needing special care, then Bay 3 was called SCN or special care nursery and bay 2 & 1 were OMG we're nearly home! I walked in as I did every day and he wasn't there, it's the worst feeling ever, the nurses said didn't anyone ring me and that he had been moved to bay 6 and were so exciting for us that after 13 weeks of being in intensive care he was finally on the move.

We spent several weeks in bay 6 and whilst I was driving into the hospital I got a call saying our beautiful boy had been moved all the way to bay 3, skipping 5 & 4 straight to special care. For anyone that knows this system or has experienced it you will totally understand the whole thing. He was now on low flow oxygen which was just normal air flowing through his nasal prongs and had to have times off air altogether to get his lung strength up. This went on for a few weeks only for him to catch influenza off someone and we are tipping a staff member even though we were questioned and almost acused of it. After being in hosp that long we weren't dumb enough to put his health at risk, so that put his coming off oxygen behind whilst he got better. Another few weeks went past, again as usual I walked in and nope he wan't there OMG he had moved to bay 2 and his next step was to a level 2 hospital and closer to home.

After 17 weeks and 2 days before Christmas we got come fantastic news....he was being moved to a level 2 hospital which was now 45 mins from home and not the traveling of one hour and 10 mins one way. It was such an emotional time to say goodbye to what had been our family for 17 weeks, we made some really good friends and that includes other NICU parents and nurses. The nurse were our strength and without them I know sitting there day by day I would of lost it alot more than I did. They so don't get recognised for the work they do and I have to say they are my hero's. I travelled in the infant transport ambulance to our new home.

For the next month or so my day was the same, in to see my boy, spend the whole day with him just holding him and never wanting to let him go. Before he was allowed home he had to do what was called 'air tests' and that mean't he he had to last off oxygen with his own oxygen levels staying at a certain %. He failed the first one, thena week later he did another one but it wasn't good enough, the following week he passed but his Repiratory Specialist wanted him to do one more to be safe. Now we always did the tests when he was asleep because that way he wouldn't fidget around. The fourth test started off well but he woke up and I started stressing the the max and got all upset, but you know what..... it was the best he ever did, he kicked arse. That was the tuesday and then on the friday his Resp Dr came into see us and we got the news we had been so longing for.......he was going home!!

Password

2010-02-01T00:11:00.000+11:00

I have password protected any pictures that i put on here, which I think you can understand why. If you would like the password please email me at shazld@yahoo.com.au.

Pictures of our little boy

2010-02-01T00:09:00.001+11:00

Well this is my little man. Thought I would include a few pictures and then tell you a little of out travel from the last post of when he was born.

Click on Pictures of our little boy to be taken to another blog that is password protected.

So they were his pictures from Birth to the day we took him home. It was all surreal to have him home and to be in total control of looking after him.....finally we were his parents fulltime with no one looking over our shoulders.

Ok where is the manual!!!

Time to come back.

2010-01-30T00:42:00.001+11:00

Funny you know I have actually missed Blogging but have had so much keeping me occupied! I think it's sad I let this go as it was for my first born to read everything we went through to conceive, which I did but now I have missed out on the first yr of his life for him to read.

I know I will have lost alot of readers but am hoping to find new ones too. I would love to share with you the first year of my sons life and the way he fought every minute to be here.

This is my son Maxx who was born at 25w on the 24th Aug 2008. He was the result of 6 1/2 years of trying and 11 IVF transfers.

You would never know that he was a premmie baby and even the medical proffession say the same. He is developing normally and reaching all his milestones with the latest one taking his first steps and walking around furniture.

I am going to leave this post now and start my updates for anyone interested in reading them.

First Post after giving birth at 25 weeks

2008-10-07T10:06:00.002+11:00

I am sorry it's taken so long to post but as you could understand I spend nearly all my days at the NICU with our Beautiful Boy. The post that will be going up are some entried from my journal and others are just posts to groups. It has been 6 weeks since Maxx was born and I have to admit a very long 6 weeks.

I went for my 18 week checkup in July and mentioned a few things that had happened such as a bit of pain, some mucus loss etc. My OBS had a bit of a look only to discover that my waters were buldging. I was sent straight to hospital for a stitch only to be told there was no bed and I had to go sit in emergency, not lie down but sit. We rung our OBS who rung the hospital and I was put in a bed in the emergency dept. It took over 5 hours for the surgeon to come and see me only for him to shove the speculum so far into me that I thought it was going to cut me in half. The Dr told me that I was leaking fluid and there was nothing he could do........... we were devestated and couldn't belive we were going to loose another child. They put us into a private room to start grieving I guess. DH just sat in a chair and looked out the window all night and I think I just fell asleep wiith pure exhustion.

The next morning no one had come to see us and we had heard nothing so he rung my OBS, told him that they wouldn't do the stitch and what do we do now. Our OBS told us to discharge ourselves and go to the Royal Womens Hospital to which we did. The Royal Woman were fantastic and caring. They put me under and put in a McDonalds stitch and I was left to rest for a week and a half where they would monitor infection. At nearly 20 weeks I was told they were sending me back to the hospital that wouldn't do the stitch till I reached 24 weeks as my pregnancy was classified as "viable". That is such a horrible term and I hate it, if I can feel my child moving how can it not be viable!!

I stayed at that hospital for over 3 weeks with daily blood tests to monitor infections, 2 scans a week, daily fluid loss, bleeds etc. At 24 weeks I was sent to yet another hospital that had the facilities to deal with a premmie baby.

The above is only a very brief version of what happened as you could understand it would take me a very long time to type everything, every emotion, tear etc we went through.

I'm home after 7 1/2 weeks in hospital and it all feels a bit strange and first time online too. The house seems like a florist and gifts have started but seems strange cause he is not here for them.

First of all both Nathan & I want to thank everyone from the bottom of our hearts for all the love, well wishes, support, sms's, phone calls, prayers etc. It has been the hardest 7 weeks of our lives and there were times I was ready to give in but there was a little person that kept me going oh and the crosswords, games etc .

His name Maxx Cooper Garnet. He was born 10.07am Sunday 24th August through emergency C-section at 25 weeks due to a cord prolapse and he is the love of our lives. He was 845g, 32cm long and every day we get told how big he is for his gestation, infact for the first couple of days I was asked if my due dates were right and as he was IVF yes the dates were right. We had chosen Maxx as a boys name when we were having Chloe over 2 1/2yrs ago but his middle name was going to be Oscar but I loved Cooper and felt it was a strong name.

I had had alot of pain on saturday afternoon, went and had a shower and the bottom of my tummy felt heavy and hard, told Nathan when I got out, asked for pain relief and sooked most of the night. At about 1am woke with a stinging pain but I pushed through it with drugs. 3am called for a nurse, she felt for contractions but couldn't feel anything. They gave me a sleeping tablet as I hadn’t slept for 3 nights due to a mass snorer next to me (Monash don't give pre mummies single rooms you share with 3 others, guess I was spoilt at Frankston and Royal Womens). Woke up at 8 for breakie and all pain was gone which I thought was strange. A Dr came in to see me, he left, I got up to go to loo and felt something between my legs went into the loo and saw the cord hanging out. I went flying back into bed rung for a nurse and next thing I know a major code was going off, nurses and the Dr came running in, chucked me on all fours the Dr shoving his hand inside me pushing the cord back up, a blanket being chucked over me and the bed being flown straight into surgery, my head in the pillow and the Dr telling me it will be ok an he can still feel the pulse in the cord. I could see Dr's and nurse coming from everywhere as they had to have a team for me and the NICU Dr's for Maxx. I had to have both hands out as they were trying to get a drip in my hands and would use which ever went in first. I was flipped onto the bed and less than a minute I was out and Maxx was out in less than 3 minutes and took his own first breath. They have less than 10 minutes to get a baby out to survive when this happens and the Dr told me later that these are rare now and he has done 3 this yr which is more than he has done in a couple of yrs. Poor Nathan wasn't there and didn’t know that this was happening as he was on his way to visit me. Next thing I know I was waking up and Nathan said we have a son and I have to say the rest of the day was a blur. I had a T cut which means they had to cut me from my belly button to my pubic area inside due to the scar tissue plus from one side of my tummy to the other on the outside.He is on a ventilator but only needing 25% oxygen which can fluctuate from day to day but tares at your heart when it needs to be pushed up a little but I just have to remember he is less than a week old.
All the NICU Dr's and nurses are worth their weight in gold and comment nearly every day on how active he is and wriggles around so much. I got to change his nappy and do his temp yesterday for the first time. He is starting to take my colostrum and has 1ml every 2 hrs now. He is in what we call a chook bag which is a plastic bag that covers him to keep him warm and his skin soft and they are hoping to move him to a humidy crib very soon. He has big feet and hands but yet so small. He is off most of his medication such as high blood pressure, toxin meds etc, lets just say he was on 8 bags of meds and now down to 2 with one of them being antibiotics as I might have given him a bug through the stitch I had.

We are just so proud of the fight he has put in over the past 7 weeks to stay put and prove so many people wrong and mostly being the Dr's who at Frankston admitted that they didn't think we would make it past the 2w mark and to our surprise our EX obs who told Nathan the same. We only heard from him once through this whole thing which is why I say EX.

We have a long road to still travel and anything can still happen at anytime but for today he is having another good day and that we thank god. I am very emotional right now and miss him so much at night, I am scared to go to sleep sometimes as I worry something will happen when I am not there but we know he is in the best possible care and we can ring or go in at anytime of day/night. The main worry for a premmie is brain hemorrhage or lung problems at anytime.

I have to say my life has changed forever in so many ways and most of it has come from laying on my back for 7 weeks with only toilet privileges and only 2 major breakdowns. I didn't think I would have it in me but I guess when your fighting for a life you will do ANYTHING!
If I don't reply with sms's right now please understand that I am with our little man or just tired. I can't drive for 6 weeks and this first week not allowed home alone so its hard relying on others to get me to Monash which is over an hr away.

Nathan just rung me and he has been put into a humidy crib which means he has graduated. I am so proud of him.

Alot has happened

2008-09-06T19:36:00.000+10:00

Well alot has happened over the past 9 weeks including the birth of our beautiful son Maxx Cooper at 25 weeks.

I will be back shortly to write our mini book of what has happened.

17 weeks

2008-06-30T07:16:00.000+10:00

I managed to get hold of a computer and so sorry for no updates.

I am 17 weeks and we made it past another mile stone as it was the day I gave birth to our Angel, so you could say I have never been this far along before. I am now in maternity clothes, the stretching has settled a bit and the best news ever........ . I think I felt bub move on Monday and it was the best!! My FS also phoned me last Friday to check up on me and see how things were.I have all my appointments in 2 weeks, first my 18w OBS, then my 18w scan and then an appointment at the hospital. I have to say I am hanging out for the scan. I will post a pick today of my new bump that I love to let hang out, its the one time I don't have to hold my gut in lol.

I had a fainting spell this week. I went into my old store to visit the staff and it was so warm and yep i went giddy and had to lie on the floor, was so weird the way it came over. Also I have been waking at 3am because i am hungry as, I think this baby is super sizing its food and I tell ya its bad enough having to pee all night let alone being woken up cause I am friggin hungry!!

I have been getting some sharp pains down below and of course freak out everytime I feel a sharp one. I just think its all going to happen all over again, I really think myself into the whole thing and then have to pull myself back and say no, no its not going to happen again but unfortunatly my brain wins over. I am not even half way yet and every day scares me more and more, I just so want to enjoy this I desperatly do.

I finish work in 4 weeks and I am so glad, I am just soooooooo tired and to be on my feet at work is killing me, yes easy sit down but its the mental thing of the job. I just feel like I can't get enough sleep. I read in a book that we wee told to get as much sleep before bubs is born but as she said its starts before that because you can't get comfortable in bed, your up peeing all night then it takes ages to get comfortable and fall a sleep again. I think there should be a bed designed where you can pull a bit out of the mattress that your tummy can fit into........can't hurt!

Will update you as soon as can, hopefully will have a network card soon.

We're ok.

2008-06-01T01:33:00.000+10:00

Yes I know bad girl but I do have an excuse. We have been house sitting for my hubbies boss and he forgot to leave his network card before he headed overseas for 6 weeks so I am going through big withdrawls right now and we still have another 4weeks to go argggggggggg.

I had a breakdown early this week as I felt pains lower down in my tummy but my OBS reasured me it was ligament stretching and maybe ripping. But after the loss last time and remembering the pain then I just freak at any pain now.
We lost our Angel in in just under 2 weeks time last time and its starting to do my head in, I wish time would slow a little. They still can't tell me why my waters broke last time and I just couldn't handle it again infact I think that would be it for trying again. But I have to think of this as a different pg and treat it as such............ yeah right, unfortunatly the brain wins over everytime!
Our OBs appointment was fantastic, he was so excited to see us back, infact when he was examining my tummy he was looking at me and said I am so happy for you two and you both so deserve this so much and he started welling which in turn set me off lol. Him and his wife have also been going through IVF which is one of the reasons I chose him 2yrs ago when we were pg with Chloe so we know he understands. He wants me to go and have a cervix scan at 14w as well as a UTI test again, back to have a 18-20 w scan with his radiology partner and the thing I was over joyed at........... he kept me on the pessaries and proganova until nearly 15 weeks! I was so looking forward to getting off them and now another couple of sloppy weeks to go, but I know its all for a good thing. He has put me on the emergency scan list, so if for what ever reason something doesn't feel right I can ring them and I can go in anytime for a scan.

Well we are 13w tomorrow and I have to say it is getting quicker. I had my Pre-natal bloods done last thursday, my NT scan done on Monday and my first OBS appointment on Tues.
The scan was great, just to see our little one lying there not over exerting itself but managed to raise a hand and thats all lol. We got to see little fingers, placenta pumping away and little limbs and for the first time the heartbeat. Unfortunatly bubaloo wasn't moving for anyone no matter what, it was poked, proded and I even had to do a couple of sit ups but nope it was staying put but did mange to raise its hand to its face which we think could of been telling us to buzz off and let me sleep. The Dr said that it was all good and if bub stays like this it could mean we may have a sleeper on our hands when its born. I just think it was practicing holding the remote control.......... so we are tipping boy lol. It was so diferent from when we had our scan with our Angel Chloe as she wouldn't sit still, infact it took him 20 mins to try and measure her NT fold but not this one.

It has been a while

2008-05-12T02:13:00.000+10:00

I am sorry I haven't been in blog land for a while and yes everything is ok. I have decided that this Blog won't be password protected, what you see is what you get and after 6 yrs of trying for a Baby and the loss of one 2 yrs ago I want to continue sharing my journey. If you don't feel up to it I totally understand.

We had another scan last week at 9w 1d and bub is perfect. Bean measured 2cm, strong heartbeat and good size. Me on the otherhand has had night sickness which kicks in about 3 everyday, can't eat chocolate of any kind is is devestated lol I mean I still have a fridge full of easter choocolate and I can't deal with it, my pleasure is gone lmao. I am very tired in the afternoons and could sleep where I am standing which is not a good thing as I work in retail lol but we have decided I will start Maternity leave on the 25th July when I will be 20w. Honestly it's only starting to kick in that this is real again well besides the constant stretching pains, tiredness and the neusea oh and not to mention the 3x400mg pessaries I have to insert everyday until 12w 2d.

One thing that is playing on my mind is the thought that in 4w 5d my waters broke with my Angel Chloe. How do you get something like this out of your mind, how do you stop yourself from thinking its going to happen again?? I mean you have never been given a reason why it happened in the first place yet are told it may not happen again......... well what if it does, but what if it doesn't and I pray everyday that it doesn't.

Our First Scan

2008-04-21T04:14:00.000+10:00

We have one perfect Bean on board with a heartbeat of just over 120 so I think Boy lol. I have to stay on progesterone till 12w not 10 which is good.

My FS has a bit of a concern about how we lost the baby last time as the only thing that shows is a UTI which means now I am on regular pee tests which is fine with me. She also voiced her opinion that I should give up work, we sat and had a good chat about it and we totally understand what she is saying but we want to make it to 12w before we start thinking about that. Man I would be ready to give up tomorrow lol, but the best thing is I think she has made DH really think about it and at this stage it probably be about July that I stop. She just explained how important this PG is and as my waters broke for no reason at all last time that we could afford to risk anything. She is willing to write anything in a letter to my employer about my duties, so she told us to go away and write one and she will type it up and sign it.

My FS is keeping me in her care up until I see my OBS with another scan booked for the 5th May and then she will sign me over and classify me as a possible high risk pg.

So now we take every day as it comes but for today we are absolutely beaming!

Thanks so much everyone again for your support and love.

6 Weeks

2008-04-14T00:18:00.000+10:00

We’re 6 weeks today and only 5 more days till our scan. Yes we have had another scare 2 days after our last one so off for more bloods and Beta came back at 11000. So in 2 days it had gone from 4906 to 11000 and everyone was happy, well nearly everyone…….. to see brown stuff still coming out of you freaks me out everytime and we have been told as long as we are on the pessaries its probably going to keep happening. Apparently I can come off the pessaries at 10 weeks but 12 weeks sounds better to me. Its just doing my head in and I thought the 2ww was bad enough.

I have been getting heaps of stretching pains at night and am still a little scared to go to the loo, but I guess I am going to have to get to a point where I have to try and trust in my body. In saying that though I know until we get past our 2^nd trimester I won’t be able to relax, I mean how can I knowing what happened last time, 14w 5d and my waters went pop. My FS seems to think that part of it maybe could have been cause by a UTI so I already have myself on Cranberry juice and will try and manage one glass a day as bitter as it is and when I see my FS on Friday I am going to ask her if there is anything else I can take to prevent it.

So our little one I know you have snuggled deep because I have had the pains and blood tests to prove it. This has been a different pregnancy to you Angel sister Chloe, less peeing, more stretching and more gunk coming out of me. Your dad thinks there are 2 of you but mummy thinks its just one strong one who we are hoping we get to see in 7 ½ months time.

Thankyou so much for all your messages and support over the past couple of weeks and all the lurkers welcome.

Scare and 3rd Beta

2008-04-08T23:36:00.000+10:00

Sorry I haven’t updated but I have been working all weekend and then yesterday I woke up to find when I wiped that there was red blood. As you could imagine I was stunned for a few minutes and then phoned my nurse. She got me to have another pessary and then come straight in. I rung hubby and he met me there.

All the way there I just kept thinking why give this to me if your going to take it away from me, its almost like I am stoping myself from getting excited in case I lose it.

So we arrived and my nurse said it could be my body is just trying to have AF, called me a difficult child and then took my blood. She said she would call me about 1.30 and by 3 I was nearly hyperventilating!!!

So after my nurse had to have a fight with the path lab, the bloods came back at 4906 at 5w 1d and might I just say OH WOW! This is a strong little one and I am so happy its snuggled in. I am having another BT on Thursday just for peace of mind for myself and that if I hadn’t had the bleed she would of told me not to come back.

Well woke up this morning and yep there was that red colour again and to be honest the only thing I can put it down to is that the progesterone pessaries are irritating me and making me bleed. Luckily my FS rung this morning and she told me that is very common for early pg bleeds and not to stress to much. I mentioned the pessaries and the irritation and she said it could be the reason as we increased them both nights before the bleed but I have to stay on them.

Will update you on Thursdays results.

Some More News

2008-04-04T09:32:00.000+11:00

I had my second Beta today and it came back at………… 986 so it’s more than tripled and we are rapped! Got to speak to my FS today as she said they are very happy with the numbers but just wants to keep an eye on my progesterone so I will have a BT once a week until my scan on the 18^th April.

Our Bub is due the 7^th December one day after my Dad’s 60^th!

Honestly I still can’t believe it but its slowly hitting home cause I am feeling every niggling pain that I get, then I’m off to the loo to check. I know I know its only just begun.

Thankyou to everyone that commented on my Blog it’s absolutely flattering, I didn’t realise I had so many lurkers.

Some News!!

2008-04-01T03:33:00.000+11:00

I am Pregnant!!! Beta came back at 260. Early days still but after 11 transfers we are

sooooooooooooooooo happy.

Cargo on Board

2008-03-21T05:15:00.000+11:00

We made it!! We have 2 Blasts on board as from today, which means 2 out of our 6 embies made it to day 5. The sad thing is knowing we lost 4 of our bubs but as our FS said they would of never survived anyway. If this cycle doesn’t work then she will pull out our last remaining 8 and grow them to day 5.

  I just want to get so excited but I know better but I think its because it’s a different way of trying things.

  I have just been transferred to a new work place and was explaining it all to a couple of the girls there and they were amazed on what us IVFers go through. Two of them told me I am an incredibly strong person and its not the first time I have heard this, but you know what I don’t know if I am a strong person but I have to act that way to get through everyday life. Yes we have now been through 11 transfers, a loss of a baby and continual failed cycles, but if I don’t put this very thick wall up then I would been in a padded cell a long time ago with never to be released on the door!

  So Beta is the 31^st March.

#11

2008-02-29T07:57:00.000+11:00

AF arrived today....... YAY!! Today makes it day one of our 11th IVF Transfer and I tell ya I am feeling like the Nanna of IVF'ers lol. Monday I start Proganova 2 tablets a day and then we are booked in for my scan on the 13th March to check hopefully my juicey lining. We pray that one out of the 6 embies that are being taken to blast survive but if we get more then that is a total blessing. One of the good things that has come out of this cycle is that we have beaten the price rise that happens the 30th March.

I want to get a slight bit excited about this due to having a new FS and a new proticole, but you know after all this time you just don't do it because that big IVF toad is waiting to slap you right out of it. You know what, we just want a break and after 6 yrs of TTCing #1, 4 yrs of IVF and a loss of our angel I think we deserve it pretty soon.

Wish us luck guys.

FS Appointment

2008-02-19T07:53:00.000+11:00

Had my appointment with my FS today, all went well. My glucose, thyroid
tests came back fine although spewing about the thyroid then I could blame
it on my weight lol. Also my testosterone was elevated slightly but I only
have PCO not PCOS and can stop taking metformin which I have been on for 5
yrs now.

So now the deal is we wait for AF to arrive, I will go on proganova twice a
day and the reason for not doing another natural is due to us doing our
first blast cycle. My FS wants to monitor my first cycle with her plus my O
ing was out this month by 11 days than normal which depressed me as it took
so long to get it to day 15 from day 35. She will do all my scans so she
can see what's happening as my last Dr got my nurse to do it or the clinic.
They will take 6 embies to blast if none survive then she said we may skip
the rest of the 8 embies left and go for a fresh with PGD.

That's it for now, hopefully af will be here end of next week and we'll get
started.

Shazz.

Happy 2nd Birthday Our Angel

2008-02-08T02:14:00.000+11:00

To a very Special Daughter

We wish you weren’t

So far away

Then we could help

Celebrate your Birthday

Although we can’t be with you

On your special day

You’re in our hearts our Angel

In a very special way

Happy 2^nd Birthday Chloe

All our Love

Mummy & Daddy.

xx

Appointment with new FS

2008-01-30T07:07:00.000+11:00

Had my appointment with my new Fertility spec. today. First of all we were shown our embies gradings on her screen and we have 5 grade ones (best ones) 4 grade 2, 3 grade 3 and 2 other ones. She was a little dumb founded by no change in proticole 19 embies down the track and she also said how sad she was that we were still going 6yrs later and with the loss of a pg at 16w. DH said she had a bit of a tear in the eye when he told her about the pg and that was going to be our only child and we were never going back for a second child.

  She has taken me off metformin for now as she feels that because my PCOS was never investigated properly such as the glucose test etc only BT & ultrasound also I had been on it for 5 yrs that I may not even need it. She actually thinks I may only have PCO not the PCOS. I am to have the glucose test on either the 14th or 15th Feb...... go on tell me its not a nice test, what could be if it goes for 2 hrs lol.

  My old FS hadn't released my records yet so she was flying a bit blind with the whole think but asked so many questions. First of all about genetic testing of both DH & I which honestly I couldn't remember if we did or not.

  So she has decided to take our embies to blast (grow to day 5) instead of day 2 and explained Melb IVF doesn't really do it only on extreme occasions like us as they find couples lose to many embies and there is still no proof one out ways the other. They will pull out 6 and take it from there but this won't be done until after my appointment on the 18th Feb so she has time to read my notes. Now if all the embies die during the defrosting for blast then we will do a fresh cycle and probably go to PGD (genetic testing of the embies)She also said if anything comes up in my notes in the mean time she will give me a ring, which I nearly fell off the chair as my last one never contacted patients, she will also do my scans.

  We were then asked about both my PG's and more so the last one and what tests were done on the baby more so genetic tests. She has a slight suspicion that my waters broke due to the urinary tract infection or it might of contributed but if I do fall pg she said its more than likely she will monitor me through it all. She then went into our feelings of losing the baby and the ttcing for 6 yrs etc But she does seem to think we can fall pg again and more so with one of the frozen 14 we have sitting there because to how good they are.

  I have to say I left feeling more informed and alittle more hopeful than I ever did with my last Dr which is scary considering this is my 4th yr of IVF and 10 transfers later. We also spoke to her about when enough is enough which she admitted it one of the hardest things any Dr has to tell their patients but totally understands where we are coming from and agreed to it.

Another Anniversary

2008-01-28T06:45:00.000+11:00

Another sad anniversary has arrived. It was 2 yrs today that my waters broke and our world came crashing down. After 12 weeks you tend to think thank goodness I made it, but you know what….. never let your guard down and unfortunately once you have had a loss how the hell can you ever enjoy your pregnancy again.

I will never forget the day I felt my waters pop and being 14w 5d your not suppose to feel them. We are so lucky we got to spend nearly 2 weeks with her before I was induced, but I didn’t want to let her go knowing right up until I had her she was still alive.Still to this day I sleep with her little bed she was presented to us in next to my bed, it also has her little hat on the bed. I can’t let go of her and you know what I never will, how can I she is my daughter and my first born. We tried 3 ½ yrs to have her and the money for IVF doesn’t even come into it because how can you put a price on a life. But 6 yrs now and we are still hoping and praying for our miracle.Its amazing how you can miss something you never really got to know, how you can miss a pregnancy, miss being called something you never got to hear….mummy. But most of all I just miss my daughter Chloe Jade.

On Tuesday we have our first appointment with our new IVF Dr and I so can’t wait, its almost making me feel those feelings that I felt when we were having our very first appointment 4 yrs ago. Holy crap 4 friggin years ago, boy doesn’t time fly when your not having fun. Four years of pills, injections, inserting things, things being inserted, blood tests, timing, crying, screaming, yelling and to a certain point……. Being over it. So heres hoping she changes a lot of things and gives us just that little glimmer of hope that both DH & I need. I mean how can we fall pg and it be cruel enough that it never happens again.

I got away with it!!

2008-01-28T05:42:00.000+11:00

Oh it has been a while hasn’t it.

Last night will go down in history as the first time I have got away with a lie and my husband not being able to tell!! I am such a bad liar and he knows it, he can tell just by my face when I am fibbing lol.

Back in October I had planned to throw him a 40^th Birthday on the 26^th January 2008 (His Birthday 24^th). I organised the invites etc then only for him to tell me he no longer wanted it!! So I didn’t think anything about it until he started mentioning things about his 40^th and were we just going to have a BBQ or something, so again I started to think and yet again he changed his mind and this went on right up until a week ago. I decided I was going to be blamed for not organising anything so behind his back in one week I organised about 20 people, including his new boss and his wife whom I have never met but thank god for email, a surprised dinner at a restaurant. DH thought it was just us two going out for dinner as I told him it was too late to get everyone together in a week and I had arranged it for the 9^th Feb. Well we got there and was taken to our table and to his surprise there was everyone, with them singing happy Birthday to him. I can’t tell you how much I was stressing all week that someone would blow it and I now can tell you how relived I am it’s all over and I will never organise a surprise party for anyone……….man its too stressful lmao!!

2008

2008-01-02T06:28:00.000+11:00

Happy New Year Everyone!! I hope you all had a safe one and there are not too many hangovers out there right now. Not only did I have to work today but good old Mother Nature has given me the ovulation pain from hell. I swear my ovary is trying to pop out a chicken egg, either that or my reproductive system is stabbing me for a bit of fun.

It’s only 28 days till we see our new FS and I so can’t wait, just to have a fresh outlook on things. At first I was worried about changing but the other night I though stuff it I don’t owe him anything and even though we did get pg with him once I just think it was pure luck at the time. So here’s hoping the new year brings some new changes.

Christmas 2007

2007-12-27T03:45:00.000+11:00

Well another Christmas has been and gone, but I wanted to share with you a present my DH bought for me from my Angel Chloe. Its in the picture above and on the card it said 'This gift is something to hold everytime you want to think of me, it will bring you warmth and it will give you lots of smiles'. I think this is the best present ever.

It was a little sad for both of us yesterday, we both kept thinking about bub and how she would be 16 months, probably her first christmas where she would be laughing and giggling and making a mess of the house. We both miss her so much and would give anything to have her here with us.

And the Result is.......

2007-12-17T06:57:00.000+11:00

Transfer #10 - Another BFN.

oh its been a week already

2007-12-11T08:42:00.000+11:00

One week down and to tell you the truth I haven’t’ even been thinking about the 2ww. Work has been that busy with the Christmas trade that time has flown and there has been a few times that I have had to stop what I was doing and think about the cargo on board. Lets face it after 10 transfers I have tried resting, going to bed early, loosing weight, eating properly, sitting on my arse, not lifting, not stretching, not sneezing, not farting you name it I have tried it, but this cycle its been a free for all. I have worked my arse off at work for a week with no choice of taking it easy but that is my decision for having transfer over the busiest time of the year in my job.

So today I have had AF like pains on and off, could be something could be nothing, sore boobs but as we all know symptoms mean nothing at all anymore.

I got my new car on Friday and she is beautiful, that is my car in the picture but mine is black and I will take a pic of it when I can. It was a sad moment to watch my old baby being driven into the yard I loved her a lot, but I will have another WRX one day that I know!!

Been Busy

2007-12-02T23:10:00.000+11:00

I am sorry I have been missing in action but work is so flat out right now that its just scary to think what it will be like the week before christmas. By the time I get home I am buggered.

Now I have a warning............ don't ever use that pro-active shit they advertise on TV. My DH bought me some thinking he was doing a good thing, I applied the testing for 3 days and then on Monday I used it properly for the first time, well by Tues my neck was starting to burn and tingle. Got home from work Tuesday night took one look at my face and it was all lumpy and spotty then twice as bad on Wed. Was washing my hands Wed night and noticed my towels had bleach like spots on them, I asked Nathan if he had used bleach he said no, Thursday I was getting ready for a late start with work and it hit me, it was the proactive which must of had some type of peroxide or something in it. Nathan took it back and get his money back they rung there head office to let them know but unfortunatly thats all they can do as it has a warning it can happen with some skin. Today its uncomfy, the spotty lumps are down my neck and all over my face with some more noticable than others
and a few blisters that came up on my forehead and now lucky me its starting to get itchy. Steer clear!!!

Ok now for some other news. We bought a new Mazda 6 in hatchback today in black, with rear spoiler also tinted windows, car mats, free tank of petrol and 5 yr warrentee on it. The guy had already ordered it during the week and it was in the back of the yard waiting for us to sign, poor guy if we hadn't of gone back, he even rung me twice during the week and on the way up today lol. I am very upset to let go of my WRX and I have already shed a tear but at 10 yrs of age and me currently filling my car up every 2 1/2 days, not to mention it needs a bit of work right now. I begged for a older model WRX but lost the fight not to mention insurance being over $1000 a yr. So I pick it up at the end of the week.

There was something else, mmmmmmmmmmmmm, now what was it........... oh yeah, we transfered 2 embies today one 4 cell and another 6 cell and yet again lost none with thaw which nows leaves us 14 frostie bubs left. It so happened that the same Dr who did transfer last month did this one today too, we managed to speak to her a little bit about how we were thinking about changing over to her. She seemed to be very interested in our loss at 16w and asked lots of questions about it, was a little surprised that we had transfered 19 embies in total and my proticole hadn't changed with each transfer. Nathan thinks she is great so it looks like it will be a visit to her next yr.

Thats it from me, I wont be around much guys but will check in when I can...... who would work in retail at christmas time............ 19 yrs and I still haven't learn't even worse when I have been a manager for 9 of them lol!!

On the Road Again

2007-11-28T06:40:00.000+11:00

Went for my scan this morning and I have one nice juicey 18mm follie sitting there ready to blow and good lining. My nurse seems to think that because of the size of it I may ovulate a day earlier so transfer could possibly be Thursday (fingers crossed).

I spoke to her about her advice on which FS she would recommend if we wanted to see a new one, she said they are all pretty much of a muchness these days but she would tend to lean to the younger ones which all happen to be female. She also suggested maybe we need to suggest more bloods such as chromosomes testing and maybe mention having another hysteroscopy done which we also had one done and fell pg straight afterwards.
So we're going to get through this cycle and take it from there.

Fingers crossed girls for #10 and I am scared shitless that this is never going to work again!!

Thankyou and More....

2007-11-20T09:15:00.000+11:00

Thankyou all so much for your replies to my last post, honestly I never expected so many thoughts and wishes and I so love you guys for it. To my surprise the day we got our BFN my DH said to me that he wants to go again, why surprised you ask (or maybe not lol) it’s because he has never said that before it was me who always pushed to do another cycle. But we were sitting in our cramped little bedroom at my parents place and he looked me in the eyes and said I want to try again. I had just automatically thought we would go again next yr as that’s what we all ways do at this time of year but I think he really thought we were pg this time. So today I am on day 6 of my next cycle with my scan being Monday the 26^th am I an idiot thinking that this is going to work one day………. Probably, is there going to be a lot more tears and heartache……….. Defiantly, I am ready to give in yet…….. my head says yes but my heart says NO BLOODY WAY!!!

Beta Results......

2007-11-13T08:26:00.000+11:00

BFFN

Hitting double figures........... and you said it shouldn't take long for me to get pg! Do i get my money back now??

Scared

2007-11-07T07:00:00.000+11:00

Ok I am scared shitless there is no other word for it and at least I am being honest huh?? All the pains, twangs, twings everything is starting to make its move, it’s sitting there waiting for me to relax a little and then at the right moment it makes its move. Well you know what enough, just once I want to make it to my blood test day a second time without you showing your ugly head.

Chloe I know this was the same time I conceived you infact by 2 days and this was your time but would you think about sharing it? Infact it would been an even more of a special time for all of us, but know you have never and never will be forgotten.

First Week Over.........

2007-11-04T08:23:00.000+11:00

Well the first week is over and now the scariest part of the 2ww…..the last week. This is the week where my fate shows me what is install for us, the week you spend most of your waking life in the toilet but are too scared to go there when you wake up in the morning, where every bit of feeling down there makes your body freeze.

E1 & E2 if you’re listening, you have two very loving parents here who want you so badly, with so much love to give that yes you will be spoilt rotten but so well deserved!

On another note, over half the house was moved out today and put into storage, you can’t yell to loud it echo’s badly lol. Honestly I am going to miss this place, it was our first house together and as you know my first pregnancy and my first loss of my daughter. But we’re moving on to bigger and better things and with any luck a great Christmas present to go with it.

Day 3/4 post transfer

2007-11-01T10:39:00.000+11:00

Had a strange day today. Thought I would get out of the house for the first time since transfer and go to our local market then off to a scrapbooking shop to get some stuff for DH 40^th Birthday Invites, which might I say I have never done before so this will be a first me and yes I will post a pic when I do them lol.Anyway I ended up cutting the trip short and only got to the scrapbooking place. I had a really uncomfortable feeling almost like I had done a lot of sit ups, you know the day after and the only thing I can put it down too is the 4 progesterone pessaries a day that I am on. Unfortunately I had to go to the supermarket on the way home to grab some stuff and the heavy basket wasn’t helping. As soon as I got home I dumped the groceries, got changed into my PJ’s and hit the couch and this is where I have stayed, well except for making dinner.Again this morning there was a small amount of brown but more like a pin head size, bloody pessaries pull everything out of you.

I love it when DH rubs my tummy when I have had transfer. Tonight we were lying on the bed and he was rubbing my tummy and he does it everynight we can even be laying in the beanbag and he will just lay there with his hand on my tummy. As I couldn’t sleep DH went to bed and when he said good night he rubbed my tummy and said night E1 & E2 (Embrio), this time he is treating me like I am pregnant and when we talk over the phone he always asks how the bubs are doing, not to mention he will say “well you are pregnant “…….. Babe I hope your right and thankyou for thinking that way.

Now progesterone pessaries……….. they would have to be a male invention, only a man could come up with something I have to insert into myself and the ones I have look like a miniature vibrator. I wake up in the middle of the night feeling it ooze out of me, have to run to the toilet before it hits the sheets and then have to do it in the morning too, lay there for another half hour before I can get up and then continually ooze out for the rest of the day not knowing if its AF or you have sprung a leak. Us women would of designed something we could eat and chocolate coated at that or at least when you put it into yourself it has a catcher that opens up to catch any run offs.

We’ll see what tomorrow brings, hopefully another day closer to good news.

Thanks for your comments everyone, the encouragement is very much appreciated and needed!!

2007-10-29T05:18:00.000+11:00

Well I am officially on the 2ww. I had two lovely and strong 6 & 7 cell embrio's transfered (Dr's words), to our surprise we lost none through thaw.

We found out we had 18 frozen not 17 like we first thought, which means my last fresh cycle we ended up with 19 embies.

The FS we had today was lovely and so gentle, its like she took her time to put them in and not in a hurry like my FS and we have actually decided that if this doesn't work we may make an appointment to see her. She was amazed though by the numbers I have frozen and said I would have to be up there with the highest amount stored lol.

Beta on the 12th Nov.

Now I am going to make the most of not doing alot lol.

Tomorrow 11am

2007-10-28T10:28:00.000+11:00

Transfer is set for 11am Sunday…….its all happening and I feel ill lol. I know I am not going to get much sleep tonight but at least it’s later in the morning so it won’t be so hard getting out of bed lol.

One Day Closer

2007-10-27T07:55:00.000+10:00

I ended up with a surge yesterday so its all go for Sunday!! I have to ring the clinic tomorrow between 1 & 2 to get my transfer time for Sunday. A little disappointed as my FS won’t be doing transfer as on weekends you normally get the Dr on duty.

Funny you know since sitting down here thinking of what to write it’s like OMFG I am going for transfer in 2 days after one year I am going to be a incubator again lol. Yeah I am worrying again, yes scared stiff and so not trying to think of days 10 – 14 when AF normally shows! I am going to be positive, I am going to fight the evil negative thoughts……… we need this to work, I so want this to work. I’m actually feeling ill, like the feeling when you’re going for a job interview or something important, that bottomless sickly feeling. I am just so glad that I have my first week of my 2ww off so I can just relax and talk to my babies, I’ve never had a full week off before so hopefully its going to help.

Now packing to move mmmmmmmmmmm, well I’m trying lol, it’s just so hard to know what to keep out and take with us to mums and what to just box up and forget about for 18 months. I need to get my lazy arse into gear and get this done so its not left till the last minute, like I’ve only had 2 weeks to do it in already and one week of my holidays left lol. I plan to get a lot done tomorrow so I am not lifting etc next week.My computer is on its way out so we’re off tomorrow to get a new one, I know its bad but we still have some stuff on here that I haven’t’ saved to disk. Things we have done to remember the loss of our little girl etc……….yes bad girl!! We need to get it onto the new one before it crashes completely.

Anyway I will keep you updated.

On the Road Again

2007-10-25T12:27:00.000+10:00

We’re officially cycling again!!! It is now day 14, yes day 14 (I thought I would wait a while to update just in case lol). I went for a scan yesterday and my lining was nice and juicy and I had a 15 mm follie sitting on my left ovary, which shows ovulation is about to happen.

I was given my OPK and told to start peeing today and I think its about to start as I had a slight surge. So I ring my nurse when it happens then transfer is normally 2 – 3 days after that, if I haven’t O’ed by Friday she wants me to go in and have my bloods done just incase as they don’t want to miss it.

I can’t believe after a years break that as soon as I was in with the nurse all the feelings came flying back again, almost like it was yesterday that we did our last one. It’s funny how all the negative feelings come back isn’t it, like you have reached the end of your 2ww. I promised myself that I had to be positive this time I had to give it my all……….I’m going to give it a try but may need so help lol.

So wish us luck.

We have some news....

2007-10-08T07:15:00.000+10:00

No news is good news I suppose lol, but honestly there has been nothing happening. It’s been a year now since we did our last IVF transfer and I must say it feel forever ago too. On saying that we have some good news…….. this week when AF arrives we will be starting another cycle which will bring it up to transfer number 9, how tiering lol but boy am I excited about it. I really didn’t think we would get here and do another cycle this year but here we are.I am so relieved that DH wants to still keep trying for a baby I have been dreading the day that we have to stop but I know he wants a baby and that’s all I need to hear from him.

We have only about 4 weeks left in the house before we move in with my parents. As much as this is going to be a stressful time for us both with no privacy, not a lot of us times it is going to be good to be looked after again and I know mum will spoil us rotten. The best thing about it all is that now we are onto the next phase of our new lives, it also means roughly 18 months left until I quit work……..YAY!!!!!!! I start holidays this Sunday and finish packing everything up.

Anyway please think good thoughts for us this month, for those that understand IVF just takes away years of your life with each transfer you do.

A Special Friend

2007-09-26T08:43:00.000+10:00

You know I have a great friend. We have never met, never chatted on the phone but we both are from an online group and I love her to death. She has been with me the whole way through the loss of Chloe and afterwards. She always emails me if I am quiet to see how I am even if she is not 100% herself. See this good friend also lost a baby but he was almost full term which I could never imagine and hope I never have to go through.

In the mail today was a large envelop and inside was a letter and a picture of a little girl Angel with a poem on it. This person sent it to us because that’s how she pictured how our baby girl would look like and I thank her from the bottom of our hearts as I know some people feel that I should of moved on by now and she understands completely.

I have had many friends through my ttcing times and IVF times, some show you support to begin with, they say hi every once and a while and think its ok, but B you have been there from day one and are still kicking my arse and I love ya for it.

Humans are Amazing sometimes.....amazingly selfish

2007-09-20T07:36:00.000+10:00

Wow I have been slack haven’t I, thanks Jules for reminding me hee hee. Honestly not much is happening with me, I have been in a central place for a few weeks now which I think is good, no tears, no depression just complacent. Although it could be a sign of a bang to come.

A few things have made me a little upset this week. First was the dumping of a 3 yr old Chinese girl at the Melbourne railway station, where its now turned out the father dumped her there then went to the airport and caught a flight to America that same day. Today they found the mothers body in the boot of a car in New Zealand. There was a history of domestic violence and him being a martial arts expert. That poor child to be dumped in a different country and left alone in a public place for any sicko to take her, I wouldn’t of thought twice to take her in she is just so gorgeous. Her grandmother is on her way over from China to take her back to live with them and her extended family.

Then today there was a article in the paper about 2 Lesbians who are suing a Dr because she had two embrio’s transferred and she only wanted one and ended up with twins.

A LESBIAN mother demanding compensation for having IVF twins instead of one child has lost her capacity to love, her partner told a court today.

In the first case of its kind in Australia, the couple is suing prominent Canberra obstetrician Dr Sydney Robert Armellin for more than $400,000 in the ACT Supreme Court for implanting two embryos instead of the requested one.The birth mother's partner told the court today at times she felt their relationship would not survive the stress after learning they were to have twins. "My observation is that (the twins' birth mother) was one of the most confident and centred people that I have met," she said.

She described her partner as being an extremely generous and loving person before she fell pregnant.

"She (the twins' birth mother) always said that she had a big heart filled with love," the woman said, weeping.

"I find (now) that she doesn't have the same ability to love that she used to and the same capacity to, I guess, embrace differences and issues as a couple or as a team."

She said the pair lost their lives functioning as a couple, becoming mired in everyday tasks associated with raising two children.

The IVF procedure, which used sperm from a Danish donor, resulted in the birth of twin girls, now aged three. The couple, whose combined income is almost $120,000, want $398,000 to cover the costs of raising one of the girls, including fees for a private Steiner school in Melbourne. They are also seeking around $15,000 to compensate them for time off work, and an additional amount for medical expenses. Dr Armellin's barrister Kim Burke said the pair's loss of their lives as a couple was commonly experienced by parents across Australia. "I suggest to you you have described the situation nearly every couple in Australia suffers in the circumstances where they are no longer in a single relationship with each other but they've the burden of a child or children." The civil hearing before Justice Annabelle Bennett continues.

Don’t even get me started on this because I will never stop but you ungreatful heartless bitches, how dare you use these two gifts as use to get money and free loading and WTF sending the kids to private school, who the hell said you had to do that. Maybe they should put both girls up for adoption. At least the twins would know that the adoptive parents want them both. I’m sorry but this is just devistating and just so fucking selfish and I hope to god that this gets thrown out, they have a hugh court cost, realise how fucking they are and karma bites them on the fat arse.

Well not long now to hopefully cycleing again, fingers crossed I am going to try my luck with hubby and see if we can go next month as I will ovulate whilst on holidays which would be perfect, I have always been at work straight after a transfer and would just like to see how I go resting.

Well that’s about it for now, if anything happens I promise I will update.

2007-09-07T08:52:00.000+10:00

Sorry Guys I am around but not much to report right now........... I suppose thats a good thing lol.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

2007-08-28T07:17:00.000+10:00

Survived the dentist today but that’s because I had nothing done arggggggggg. Now tomorrow is a different story……. Infact $500 different story!!! Today he did an xray and a poke around and then told me the good news.

The abscess is only on the gum……phew, gave me some antibiotics but then told me the bad news. The tooth near the abscess needs a filling, it already has one but the bit on the tooth that hasn’t got it now needs to be filled, which means drilling out the old and putting in a longer new one…….$205. Then one of my wisdom teeth has a big hole……$170 and last but not least another wisdom needs a little fill……$140. All this will be done tomorrow as its all on the one side.

Now next time he wants both wisdoms on the other side filled as well plus a cleaning of the tooth which will cost $150, that must be some very expensive tooth paste!! He did say eventually the wisdoms will have to come out but not urgent right now, so thank F*** we are thinking about getting health insurance. Maybe if I ever need another egg retrival they can do me a double wammy and have one Dr at one end and one Dr at the other and they can both rip the suckers out of there!!!

Noooooooooooooooooo

2007-08-27T07:56:00.000+10:00

This is me tomorrow............... wish me good luck!!

Some Happy News for ME

2007-08-19T03:25:00.000+10:00

Well I think I have some good news, no not that type of good news ( I wish)!!! Hubby and I were talking the other day and we have made a deal……..hmmmmmmmmmmm you say. Well as you know I am on the last bit of my weight loss quest and have become a little slack on that front. So hubby told me if I lose another 5kg then we will go for our next FET YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!! He knows how much I want to budge this weight and this is my incentive to get rid of it so hey I am all for it. I know some of you make think it’s a pretty poor reason to let me do my next transfer but I really am unhappy with not losing everything I promised myself earlier this year and the weight I did lose bought my cycles from 60 plus days to 32 days so I know it was the right choice.

So come on guys I need you to kick me arse and make sure I am doing this.

Also my hubby has said I can get a new car once settlement for the house has gone through so more YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! I am going to miss my WRX she has been my baby but I am moving on to a Mazda 3 Black. No we’re not made of money but we feel while we are living with my parents and saving some money we might as well get it now instead of when I have given up work and moved into our home once its built. So we will trade my car in for a newbie!!

Finally I have some movement in my life.

Thinking of you Bree & Tyler

2007-08-14T05:08:00.000+10:00

Can you please keep in your thoughts a friend of mine on one of my online groups Bree. She gave birth to Tyler on the 7^th at 24 weeks. He is doing very well considering how old he is and today has only gone on ventilation but only a small amount.Poor Bree ended up with an infection in her uterus which ended up in a slow leak of her waters, which she knew nothing about. Sweety we are all thinking of you and Tyler right now and praying he gets through this.

It Found Me

2007-08-13T00:36:00.000+10:00

It’s the last month of winter and I thought I had escaped it……….but it found me. Sore throat, headache, stuffy none, stuffed sinus need I say more.

This year has been the worst ever for the flu, nearly every second person has got it or had it, a 5 yr old died this week of Influenza A then a day later a man of 3 children in his 30’s also passed away. I thought because I had already had a cold 3 times during summer that I would of escaped it but no.

See I had my toncils out when I was 21 because I have had toncilitise since I was a baby, but ever since they have come out I have had it worse than ever, so if anyone has a spare set I would very much appreciate them.

2007-08-09T08:29:00.000+10:00

These Days - powderfinger

This is one of my favorite songs, its not so much the film clip its the words. Life you just never know whats around the corner.

Personality Test

2007-08-07T04:01:00.000+10:00

INFP - The "Dreamer"

Myers-Briggs Personality Types (Free Test)

INFPs are introspective, private, creative and highly idealistic individuals that have a constant desire to be on a meaningful path. They are driven by their values and seek peace. Empathetic and compassionate, they want to help others and humanity as a whole. INFPs are imaginitive, artistic and often have a talent for language and writing. They can also be described as easygoing, selfless, guarded, adaptable, patient and loyal.

Lost a Blogger

2007-08-05T21:17:00.000+10:00

If anyone could help me out pls?? I love to read http://babybluebabbles.blogspot.com/ but it looks like it has been changed to invited readers. If anyone could contact her to let her know that I would love to stay as a reader I would very much appriciate it.

Another Quest

2007-08-01T00:00:00.000+10:00

Well as you can see I have started back on one of my other quests. I will keep you updated!!

Happy Birthday Angel Girl

2007-07-26T07:11:00.000+10:00

23rd July Would be Your First Birthday.

2007-07-23T04:54:00.000+10:00

Happy Birthday Angel
As we wake up in the morning
And you're not here to see,
We grasp for some reality...
That our dreams will never be.
We'll bake a cake and buy balloons,
We'll burn a candle too.
We'll play your music and look at pictures,
And shed some tears for you.
We'll imagine what this day would bring,
If only you weren't gone.
You'd run and laugh and jump about,
We'd sing the birthday song.
You should be here today,
Excited as can be...
Sifting through toys and wrap,
Bursting forth with glee....
But God had other plans for you,
These plans we'll never know.
Today the candle burns,
With no tiny lips to blow.
So on this day my precious daughter,
Your birthday number one.....
You're in our thoughts and in our hearts
...as we send to you our love.

~Chloe~ this should be your 1st Birthday, but yes there were other plans for you, it's something we can never get use to. We hope you have a great day and know we are thinking of you all ways.

You never said you were leaving
You never said goodbye
You were gone before I knew it,
And only God knew why.
A million times I needed you,
A million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In my heart you hold a place,
That nobody could ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you,
But you didn't go alone
For part of me went with you,
The day God took you home
-Unknown

We love you Baby Girl forever in our hearts.
Lots of Love
Mummy & Daddy
(Shazz & Nathan)
xx

2007-07-22T00:50:00.000+10:00

I have just bought this book:

IVF & Ever After

IVF & Ever After: The emotional needs of Families
By Nicola Bedos IVF and Ever After focuses on IVF treatment, its effects on families and relationships, and how to minimise the stress it causes.A groundbreaking work — no other book deals with the emotional experiences involved in IVF treatment and bringing up an IVF child.
• IVF clinics are overflowing with new patients and have little room for the ‘personal touch’
• 41,000 IVF cycles currently begin in Australia annually
• 10,000 IVF babies will be born this year (4 per cent of all births in 2007)
• 1 in 6 Australian couples experience infertility (80 million couples worldwide)
• This book is for couples thinking about IVF treatment, those undergoing treatment, and IVF parents who are experiencing emotional ‘lows’ without knowing why
• It is also an invaluable guide for health professionals working with IVF families

IVF births make up a highly significant part of Australia’s fertility rate. The current overall success rate of IVF in Australia is approaching 25 per cent — twice what it was twenty years ago. Experts predict that we will approach a figure of 30 IVF births per 100 births by around 2030.IVF mothers are three times more likely to attend early parenting centres for help. IVF clinicians are now emphasising to parents that stress plays a sizeable role in treatment success. Research has shown that women undergoing treatment for infertility have a similar level of stress as women dealing with life-threatening illnesses, such as cancer or heart disease.IVF and Ever After discusses the latest international research, bringing together the most up-to-date information for parents. It moves beyond the ‘here and now’ to look at issues families and practitioners rarely consider, such as telling a child about IVF conception, what to do with spare frozen embryos, and the implications of legislation to make surrogacy easier.

This is also an essential read for any health professional involved with IVF, who rarely see how families cope away from the clinic, and it will be invaluable for GPs, who are seeing more and more patients who have been affected by IVF.

I have no idea what it is going to be like as I am not a reader and find it hard to read anything like this if the writer has not been through it themselves. BUT, I have a friend who contributed to this book who is a mummy of 2 sets of IVF bubs and she assures me it’s worth the read. This book was released on July the 1^st and has sold out just about everywhere, so if you like I will let you know what its like and whether its worth it.

Virtual World Tour Day

2007-07-16T08:23:00.000+10:00

Hi and Welcome to the Virtual World Tour day. The Impatient Patient has suggested a day where we all post about where we come from. I think its a great idea to learn a little more about each other.

I come from Mornington, which is located on the Mornington Peninsula, Victoria, Australia. The whole peninsula has a population of over 147000 people. We are located at the bottom end of Melbourne which becomes a tourist Mecca at Christmas time to Easter which is Summer time here. The tourists camp on the beach in caravans and create havoc for the locals as they tend to take over lol.

We have lived here for most of my life but we have just sold and in the next yr or so we are moving to the country. Mornington is known for its cafe's, wineries, and social events. At one end of the peninsula called Portsea is well known for the very rich area with houses worth Millions of dollars. We are beach and country rolled into one.

Ready to go??

Map of the Mornington Peninsula, Victoria, Australia.

Mornington Yacht Club

Bathing Boxes from Schanpper Point to Scout Beach.

Main St

Boat Ramp.

Grand Hotel

Royal Hotel opposite beach and packed during summer.

Inside the Village Shopping Centre.

Cafe's Along Main St

Old Post Office.

Nepean Hwy.

Wineries. We have lots of them on the peninsula, very big tourist industry and export industry as well.

Seals - Lots of them and other willife here.

The Peninsula is well known for its Surfing.

Our Beach.

This is the Royal Womens hospital and also part of Melbourne IVF where 17 of my Frostie Bubs are living.

Our back yard.

Hope you enjoyed my tour of where I live and love.

2007-07-10T08:47:00.000+10:00

I Would Die For That

Such a Beautiful & Powerful song on Infertility. You will need tissues!

Todays News!!

2007-07-08T09:02:00.000+10:00

WE SOLD THE HOUSE!!!

2007-06-30T08:20:00.000+10:00

Can someone please turn my brain off…………it hurts too much.

I was waiting for that bolt of lightning!!

2007-06-25T05:44:00.000+10:00

Well to say we are on a down today would be an understatement. We had only one bidder there yesterday and if I could punch the living shit out of our agent I would today. He told us he had 8 bidders lined up for the day and only one showed. There was a lady sitting in her car who was interested but she wouldn't bid, so the agent told her the bidders get first offer.

After the house was pasted in we had an offer made but not enough. We have now dropped $20000 off the price we wanted and its now officially for sale. Our agent will ring the interested parties who made offers of $10000 less than what we want. We now have to bite the bullet and if we sell for this price walk out with still owing on our morgage. As hubby is a numbers man he worked it out it can take us 8 months to pay that off living with my parents.

Now the selfish side is about to come out but one of my thoughts were IVF and how the frigg are we going to afford it now, so hubby has promised me his phone payment he gets back from his work will go towards it $600 and I already have a hundred saved from ebay in there. He has told me that the money will be there for ivf when we sell and told me remember that when we move that we wont have electricity bills etc, but you still have this feeling there is always going to be something that will be thrown at you so you can’t do another cycle. So now it means ivf will happen when ever. And I tell ya if one more person says to me that I still have plenty of time I will punch the living shit out of them 5 times over, I am 36 and in IVF years I am heading towards the end. Sorry, but just a little flat, we knew things were going too well for us and waiting for the kick in the gutts to happen.............. So there is one for the non sale of the house and the other is ivf has gone from next month to fuck knows when.

Just Bits

2007-06-14T06:25:00.000+10:00

Thankyou for all those that replied to my last post. I am feeling better but just having more moments than normal. The only thing I can work it out to be is

A)    I am ready to cycle

B)     It would be me Angel Girls 1^st Birthday next month.

I have started at the new store and so far I am loving it, the staff are so friendly and I have more of them than the last store which is making my life easier. Getting home to see the news at night is fantastic.We have only 10 days till the auction and I am really starting to get nervous. I was sitting in the back room the other night and it occurred to me that this may not be my home in a few months. We have been through a bit here, including my pg, then the loss of it, we got married and it was our first home.   But hey things can only get better…….. well can’t it……..well………LOL.

Struggling

2007-06-06T08:31:00.000+10:00

I honestly thought I was doing ok, enjoying my break from ttcing, eating, drinking etc .............BUT...........tonight hubby got home and told me he saw the lady across the road getting out of her car and she was heavily pg. We don't even talk to them let alone knowing she was pg but for some dam reason it has gutted me. All of a sudden I was just so dam depressed and have been teary all night. I just keep thinking why don't I deserve a baby, what have I done so dam wrong??? I use to think that I was being punished for taking my hubby away from his first marriage, from his children and even though his marriage was over I always felt like I was being punished, that it was my fault, yet these people across the road are in exactly the same boat as us, he too is divorced and has 2 children and now she is pregnant, sooooooooo.......Am I too selfish, am I too bitchy, am I not good enough, won't I make a good mother, just tell me so I can deal with this better. To go through 3 yrs of IVF, needles apon needles, pills, creams, inserting things, blood tests, 8 transfers, one early miscarriage, one loss of a daughter at 16w............hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, maybe I haven't been through enough yet???

Another Start..... its a good one.

2007-06-01T06:22:00.000+10:00

The house viewing is going well, we have had one offer which wasn’t enough but apparently their going to try again. I can’t believe its only 3 weeks away till the auction. I got some good news on Monday. I have been transferred to another store with work and after 3 yrs of being there I can say I am quiet happy!! I have currently been a Manager in this store for over 3yrs which is the longest time out of the all the 5 stores I have worked in. My travelling time now goes from nearly one hour one way to 15 minutes. I received a nice little pay rise to go with it and knowing that this will be the last store I will ever work in before I quit is the best feeling. Now just settling in, getting to know my 30 plus staff not to mention the other 100 plus staff that work for the other managers. I was becoming so stale and board.IVF is getting closer I can feel it and as much as I haven’t been thinking about it for 6 months I am feeling the slight niggling. I can feel good things are happening for us right now which makes me feel that maybe we are ready to go soon, but as usual with us I learn never to get to excited about things going our way as the bitch slapping elf must be somewhere hiding!!

Expecting the Unexpected - IVF/Preemie/Toddler (Formally Baby Quest)

Bitsa post

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Welcome to ICLW May

MIA

New Blog for Preemie Bloggers - pls pass the word!

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What a few days!

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Then and Now

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Alot has happened

17 weeks

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It has been a while

Our First Scan

6 Weeks

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Some More News

Some News!!

I am Pregnant!!! Beta came back at 260. Early days still but after 11 transfers we are sooooooooooooooooo happy.

Cargo on Board

#11

FS Appointment

Happy 2nd Birthday Our Angel

Appointment with new FS

Another Anniversary

I got away with it!!

2008

Christmas 2007

It was a little sad for both of us yesterday, we both kept thinking about bub and how she would be 16 months, probably her first christmas where she would be laughing and giggling and making a mess of the house. We both miss her so much and would give anything to have her here with us.

And the Result is.......

oh its been a week already

Been Busy

On the Road Again

Thankyou and More....

Beta Results......

BFFN

Scared

First Week Over.........

Day 3/4 post transfer

Tomorrow 11am

One Day Closer

On the Road Again

We have some news....

I am Pregnant!!! Beta came back at 260. Early days still but after 11 transfers we are

sooooooooooooooooo happy.